(Closed) How to let people know you didn’t change your last name?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
7295 posts
Busy Beekeeper

perhaps the next time you talk to them in person or on the phone you could tell them directly?

Post # 4
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I use my husband’s name socially so no big deal.  At work, a couple people asked so I told them, but most people have forgot I got married so they don’t even think about it.

Post # 5
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Tell them in peson perhaps. 

If you have children people may assume you are not the mother or they’ll keep calling you by the children’s surname.

 

Post # 6
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

@Lindz1701: Why does it matter?  If they’re extended family and just using the name on things like cards, I don’t understand the concern.  Just let it be.

And as a PP said, when you have children, it will happen all the time, especially from other children.  Just let it go or it will confuse the other children.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I agree with coffee….I would chalk this up to a battle not worth fighting.

If it IS worth fighting to you, then you’ll need to call them.  But again, that seems like overkill (and I speak as someone who won’t be changing my name).

Post # 8
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Good question! My husband and I have kept our given names, and have had people who have been told that I kept my name (i.e., in his immediate family) still address stuff to us as “Mr. and Mrs. Hislastname,” or “Joe and Jane Hislastname.”

I think one thing that might help (hopefully?) is telling these people that you do not like to be referred to with his last name.  My husband and I were just married a few months ago, and I suspect that many people who know that I kept my name think that it is still cute to call us “Mr. and Mrs. Hislastname” as newlyweds, and/or do not think it would bother me if I were called that even if I did not change my name. Some people honestly still think that you are “technically Mrs. Hislastname” even if you kept your name, and think that it is appropriate to address you that way. I have had one relative ask me, “I know that you kept your name, but how do I address your Christmas card? To Ms. Yourlastname or to Mrs. Hislastname?” He really just did not know.

I strongly disagree with the other posters here that say that this does not matter and is not a battle worth fighting. It is very important to me (and presumably to the OP, or else she wouldn’t be posting this) that I am called by my name. No one ever calls my husband by the incorrect last name, so why should I have to be called by the incorrect last name? It is one thing if people make an honest mistake in calling you the wrong name. I understand that some people assumed that I had changed my name when I got married, and that others assumed that I would still like to be called “Mrs. Hislastname” if I kept my name. But it is quite another thing for someone to know what my name is, and what I prefer to be called, and still call me by the wrong name.

Post # 9
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee

This is a perfect excuse to get some personalized stationery: get the somewhat non-standard “couples informal cards” printed up (you may find it easier to print them on your own printer than to find a real social stationer in this day and age). Halfway down the front of the fold-over note you have printed

“Mr Husband Hisname and Ms Lindz Hername”

and at the bottom of the card in smaller letters your address (and optionally household phone number and website.)

Then each time you get one of those mis-addressed pieces of correspondence, you send them a quick reply on your social stationery. Actually, if it happens twice from the same people, I’d be inclined the second time to write “oh, by the way, Husband and I go by ‘Mr Husband Hisname and Ms Lindz Hername’, as I have not taken Husband’s last name.” One might as well be as overt about getting your name corrected as your correspondents were about getting it wrong. My niece Penelope (who goes by Penelope) is forever saying to well meaning shop-clerks and new acquaintances who call her “Penny” within moments of being introduced that “actually, my name is Penelope”. She says you have to correct people immediately, or they exacerbate the problem by popularizing the mistake. Fortunately, no-one can figure out how to make a short form of Aspasia so I haven’t had the problem. (At least, not since my brother got out of hospital after calling me “Spazzy” that one time 😉

Post # 10
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

It might also be as simple as confusion…If I was addressing a card (i.e. something informal) and knew you didn’t take his name, but didn’t keep 2 yr old holiday cards (bc I don’t) I wouldn’t be sure how to address it.  Jack and Jane?  Mr. Jack Johnson and Mrs. Jane Jenkings?  or is it Ms.?   Mr. Johnson and Ms. Jenkings?  Or….  Then out of frustration I’d prob think, eh, she married the guy and it’s just a christmas card, she wouldn’t be offended…Mr. and Mrs. Johnson it is!  If it DOES offend you I would need you to call and tell me, where I’d be profusely apologetic and immediately write down the exact way you want letters addressed to your house so I didn’t do it again.

Just my .02

On that note…what WOULD it be.  If you keep your last name do you become a Mrs. or a Ms.  See, I really would be confused Innocent

Post # 11
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Even if you havnt officially changed your name, some people will still call you Mrs Hislastname.. personally this isnt something to worry about, but thats just me. But if its that important to you then you have to actually tell the repeat offenders that you dont like to go by his last name. 

Post # 12
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I totally agree with MissDallasCowboy. I might even just put his first name and your first name and your address and be done with it, if it was a holiday card.  

You could use personalized labels with both your names on it, or letter head or something, as PP’s have suggested.

Post # 13
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@MissDallasCowboy: Most women who keep their name when they are married go by “Ms. MyLastName.” 

I also get frustrated when people address things like holiday cards to the wrong name because they are lazy. In this age of the internet, if you know that I kept my own name and you’ve ever gotten an email from me or you are on facebook, it is pretty easy to go and look up how to spell my last name. Or even if you do not know where to look it up, if it is a family member ASK someone who would know. Addressing someone by the wrong last name because you can’t remember what exactly their last name is is just as annoying as spelling someone’s name wrong on a card because you could not be bothered to look up the spelling.

My sister-in-law addressed a holiday card to me and my husband last year (when we were not married) to “John and Jane Hislastname,” because she did not know how to spell my last name. Really? You couldn’t look up my last name, or call your brother and ask him how to spell my last name?

Seriously, I would much rather not get a holiday card from someone at all than get a half-assed one from someone who could not be bothered to figure out what my name is.

Post # 14
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

@doingathing: Thanks for clarifying!  Although it seems a little extreme to prefer no card at all.  I wouldn’t be offended if someone wasn’t sure if I changed my name so addressed something to Ms. MyMaidenName, and therefore would think the same of the reverse.  Sometimes it’s not laziness of “half-assing”, it’s just a mindset of ‘what’s the big deal’.  It wouldn’t upset me if I was called and told hey, you know what, it IS a big deal and bothers me to be called Mrs. HisLast, I chose not to take that name, please call me Ms. MyLast.  To be removed from correspondence because I mis-addressed an envelope, however, would leave me quite miffed.

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