Post # 1
Bees, I got completely stuck and need an advice.
I and my bf, we know each other for 2 years (LDR but we talk every day, met in total for 3 times, each around 1-2 weeks).
In the beginning everything was perfect. Then there were some misunderstandings due to cultural difference. The main problem was his family, because in his culture it is the family who takes the decision about the marriage, and I realized the importance of this somewhere in the middle of the relationship, which made me very unhappy. But we didn’t break up. From his side, he was just hoping for the best and wanted to wait and see what will happen (also he was studying and couldn’t visit his family and talk about me). And myself, I was very depressed for many other reasons. I almost completely stopped communication with people, except him and my family. I needed him in my life and he has always supported me.
Honestly at some point, I was feeling so bad about the uncertainty concerning our future, that I almost broke up with him. We didn’t talk for some time and I got emotionally involved with another person. (It was an immature decision and I regret it.) But this didn’t work and finally I got back together with my bf.
Recently he had a big conversation with his family and it turned out they are more or less fine. So my bf is asking me is I want to marry him. Before, everything seemed different to me but now I just don’t know…
In fact, I started this relationship too soon after the previous one (I met him when I was going through a breakup). I didn’t have a proper closure with my ex and even now, I am still thinking about him.
Another thing is my mental state. Before, I was looking for someone’s support, but now I see that it is not enough. I have a severe social phobia and depression and I completely lost connection with myself. I am going to take a therapy but I feel that it is not fair to make my bf also suffer from my issues. Also, I have some very big family problems which will not just disappear at some moment, so I don’t feel myself “good” enough for my bf and I don’t want him struggle with it, too.
And I am just scared of marriage and I feel that it is too big responsibility. Also I am terrified when I think that we should have kids after some time. My bf wants kids very much, he would like to have them when we both finish our studies and start living together (2-3 years from now), but I am absolutely not ready even to think about it.
It looks like I have to refuse and break up with him. But I feel so horrible when I think that he will be not in my life anymore. I love him.
The problem is that I can’t ask him to wait for a long time. He wants to know my decision and his family also wants to know it.
Bees please don’t judge me, I realize that I made many mistakes just because I was feeling unhappy. I shouldn’t have done many things, because all this just made me more unhappy and brought me to this condition in which I am now.
I just need some advice. Thank you.
Post # 2
If you don’t think you’re ready for marriage, then I think you need to be honest with him about your feelings. Before you jump into another relationship, please take some time to work on these issues so you’ll be in a better place next time around.
Post # 3
sunrain: It sounds to me like you need to take some time to take care of yourself. If that means breaking up, then break up. It doesn’t sound like your bf is really helping you in any way, and you need to figure out you before you try to figure out us.
Post # 4
sunrain: Sounds like a no to me. I think you need to take some time to help yourself, before you can even consider making such a commitment to another person.
Post # 5
When you start making a list of all the reasons you don’t believe you’re ready for marriage, you’re not ready for marriage.
And, although you may have made some mistakes along the way in this relationship, you are not responsible for someone else’s happiness, and nothing you have done in any way obligates you to move forward with this relationship.
Having very strong feelings for, attachments to, and dependence on someone does not mean that the object of our affections is the person we should marry. We often end up having these types of emotions even in unhealthy or otherwise wrong-for-us relationships.
Bottom line: You’re not stuck. You may have strong feelings for this person or what he has represented to you, but you do not owe it to him or his family to move forward in this relationship. You owe it to them and to yourself to make the decision you know in your heart is best for you.
Post # 6
I think you need to be honest with yourself on where you both at right now and what you both need. It sounds like you escalated him talking to his family about marriage and now are not ready. This isn’t fair to him, his family, or yourself. It takes a lot to recognize that you have things going on that need to be focused on such as mental health.
I personally would halt any relationships if I were you. Hopefully he could still remain a good friend. I would try to focus on myself and my mental health. Once you know you’re in a good place physically and mentally then you can open yourself up to relationships in a way you should be able to. You also should be able to communicate any differences and, right now, it seems your future goals aren’t quite compatible.
Best of luck!
Post # 7
Often situations which feel complicated from close up are actually simple. You don’t really want to marry him right now, so you have to say no.
Post # 8
I didn’t need to go past the fact that in the 2 years you’ve been in an LDR you’ve only spent max 6 weeks with this guy. On top of that there are some culteral differences that clearly you don’t see eye to eye on. You’ve made a list of reasons why you aren’t ready…..you aren’t ready.
Post # 9
Tell him that you are not ready for marriage. Take time to finish your studies and work on yourself. You do not want to make a big decision like marriage when you are not in the best mental state. If he loves you he will understand. No one should pressure you into marriage.
Post # 10
You have barely seen the guy in person! LDR usually only works when people have significant time spent together despite the distance. You’re not ready. you need to focus on yourself.
Post # 11
You’re not stuck, you KNOW what you need to do. You didn’t list one positive thing about this relationship or getting married, it was all reasons why you shouldn’t do it. So you know in your heart that it would be a bad idea. A very bad idea actually. You’re not ready emotionally or mentally, it’s a LDR where you’ve just barely met in person, there’s major cultural differences, you got involved right after a hard breakup, and you’ve been emotionally involved with someone else. It’s just not right for many reasons, break up now
Post # 12
From reading your post, it sounds like you’re making excuses of why you SHOULDN’T marry him. I think you know exactly what you need to do, but you’re tossing back and forth on what you WANT to do. Go with what you need to do – take some time to yourself and get yourself on track. I’ve learned that you can’t make someone else happy when you’re not happy with yourself. If you go about the break up in the right way, I think you bf will be more understanding. Many blessings, bee!