(Closed) How to make guests anticipate an expensive affair

posted 7 years ago in Money
Post # 46
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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sarals24:  I love a good wedding gift/we only want money poem. 

 

Post # 47
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

You would get the ugliest, tackie stuff goodwill nicknacks I could find, wrapped up in a Henri Bendel box.

OP- you cannot dictate what people give you as gifts. A registry is merely a suggestion. Your fancy wedding is not something I’d drop a ton of money on, especially if I knew you only wanted the best of the best. 

Post # 48
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

LOLOL we’re in a recession! people are going to give the same amount $ gift no matter what YOU spend on the wedding!

Your best bet is to NOT invite poor people to your wedding.

Post # 49
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

PS – my girlfriend had a very casual, backyard wedding and she got a Vitamix, Kitchenaid Mixer, etc. 

So, like I mentioned above, just because your wedding is on a champagne budget, doesn’t mean you should expect your guests to be. 

Post # 50
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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starcatcher:  I”m wondering if you are from Jersey (like my family).  I know what you mean.  

 

Guys, in certain circles (especially Italian, especially Jersey) people try to give a gift by pricing out the wedding per plate beforehand.  This is not a joke.  Literally, it’s not how much they want to give the couple or how much they mean to them, it is “how much would this event cost me if i were paying?  that is the amount i should give.”  I have been raised to do this, and have been doing this for EVERY WEDDING I attended and only found out it was a minority view when my brother got married.  The result is I gift a way higher amount than most people – but it also means if there’s a barn wedding with a cash bar I give less.

I realize that this attitude is considered horrible in certain areas of the country (most outside of our area I’d assume) but it is true.  

My suggestion is as follows if you share people who follow this rule: be sure to say “formal attire” give a website with a link to the venue with some pictures, and these people who price out events are going to base a LOT on your invitations.  Some peopel will even mention where cocktail hour willl be held.  In addition to cocktail hour being everyone’s favorite event (thus generating excitement) the people who are figuring out how much to gift based on the cost of the event will add that in.

You aren’t doing this for everyone and some people don’t follow these rules.  A lot of people don’t even believe gifts are necessary at all.  But there are people who believe in this stuff, fiercely, and you’re not going to break tradition.  Lots of people came up to my dad at my brother’s wedding to say they had no idea how fancy the wedding would be.  They thought of my brother’s normal frat guy tastes, didn’t know his wife, and looked at the minimal invites.  They didn’t realize how expensive the wedding was and that LITERALLY MADE A DIFFERENCE in the gift they would have given.   Who cares?  They did.  They felt bad enough to mention it to my father DURING THE WEDDING.  

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by audrey_lane.
Post # 51
Member
2013 posts
Buzzing bee

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starcatcher:  Simple. High end elegant invitations and save the dates. No hokey magnets or cheesy couples engagement photos. Go super duper classic. Understated yet expensive.

Include a sentence on the invites/save the adates that says it’s a black tie affair, most people will understand that means formal. Also, is the name of your venue a giveaway at all? Like is it a country club or a prestigious/well known place in your area? I judge the formality of a wedding a lot on where it is held, so that could help.

Post # 52
Member
12265 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think if your guests REALLY know you, they will know and it.  One of my friends is a total bargain hunter and loves her deals, I mean, we try to out do each other on finding bargains, but I just KNEW when she was having her wedding it would be a BIG $$$ affair and I was right, I found out after the fact her flower budget alone was 10k.  I think in general, you just know from talkign to them about planning and usually the location/venue so those who follow the “cover the plate rule”, may adjust slightly.  Everyone else will have decided an amount and don’t care what your fancy affair cost you.

Post # 53
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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swonderful:  My wedding venue was called the “Please Touch Museum” and literally everyone thought I was having a funky silly wedding.  Instead I called the venue “Memorial Hall”, and I pounded the formal attire requested in their heads and provided a link to the venue with pictures of the event to show it wasn’t a Discovery Zone wedding and there would be no ballpit.  lol.  My primary concern was people showing up in casual attire.

Post # 54
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

There’s a difference between saying black tie (which means everyone dress nicely) and saying “please give me lots of cash because im spending a lot on this wedding.” No guest is ever obligated to give a gift no matter how casual or formal a wedding is. If you are throwing an expensive wedding in the hopes of getting a lot of expensive gifts back then you need to adjust your expectations.

Post # 55
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Fancy invitations with “black tie” written on it.  Calligraphy envelopes.  Super fancy website.

If you really want to get the point across that you expect expensive gifts, only register for expensive gifts.

But I know that in my case, if I knew that you expected some huge gift from me to cover your costs, I would just not go so you can just not payy for my plate.  I’d send a card.

Post # 56
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

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audrey_lane:  yes. it’s the “pay for your plate” mentality. which in my circle, is bullshit. sorry, but it is. it doesn’t matter how much you paid for your wedding, it’s not my job to pay for my plate. i understand that other people believe this is the only way to gift properly, but i don’t believe in it. then again, i’m the kind of person who gifts *gasp* homemade gifts quite often- the horror!

Post # 57
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee

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audrey_lane:  If this is the way that things work in the OP’s circle, then she wouldn’t need to ask how to indicate that the event was formal.  Then again, I believe it is insanely rude to expect guests who are outside the cultural circle of reciprocation to pay up like those guests who are part of that circle.

Also, OP, there is a special place in etiquette hell for people who call their wedding a black tie event and then don’t actually have a truly formal event (it takes more than just a nice venue).

Post # 58
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee

I can’t think of many ways of conveying it will be expensive pre-wedding. All i can think it communicating your venue choice, specifying formal dress and luxorious invites – which are all things you have already said.

From a guest point of view I have never gifted based on how expensive I thought the wedding would be though. Usually the amount I give is based more on how close I am to the person, plus I tend to give family more than friends etc. So I’m not sure if conveying an expensive wedding will necessarily equal more expensive gifts.

Post # 59
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

People, take a chill pill.

Lots of guests want to know the formality/fanciness of a wedding so they can bring an appropriate gift.  Nowhere does the OP say she’ll scorn smaller gifts and call them cheapskates.  If people “skimp” on gifts and show up to a super fancy wedding, that could cause them some embarassment.

This doesn’t seem like a case of gift-grabbiness.          

Post # 60
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

to answer your question about conveying your expensive, fancy wedding to your guests: as PPs have stated, an elegant invitation (and information about black tie, an upscale venue, etc.) will convey that formal message.

the only suggestion i have for you about gifts is to register for the things you want and make sure your guests know that you’re registered at fancy store 1, fancy store 2, and fancy store 3. that way you can basically just tell them what fancy item to get you so you know they won’t spend too little on your gifts.

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