(Closed) How to make guests anticipate an expensive affair

posted 7 years ago in Money
Post # 61
Member
2407 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

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beenonymous765:   I don’t believe in pay for your plate either.  Luckily, I think that would be considered tacky in the South!  I consider going to wedding more of a social obligation, most of the time.  I can’t imagine having to “pay” for an event in which I am a guest.  I base my gift on how close we are to the couple getting married.

Post # 62
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I guess I’m in the minority but I usually give an amount based on how expensive I think the venue per plate is and then add more based on the closeness of my relationship to the couple. So I would appreciate and actually do pay attention to things like the fanciness of the invite (double envelope or not, letterpress, design, etc), the venue (park vs country club), location, dress code, and reserved guest hotel (the Ritz vs Red Roof Inn). In the end, the base amount I start with is usually the same since most weddings Ive been to are similar budget wise. 

Post # 63
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee

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canadajane:  Given the poster’s response and her other thread, I will believe that she s an altruistic soul only concerned about her guests’ ability to save face around the time I start believing in unicorns and elves.  

Post # 64
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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starcatcher:  I did not read other pp’s responses, but wanted to share some insight based upon experience.  We spent quite a bit of money on our marriage day, 98% out of our own pocket/savings.  It was a very ‘traditional’, formal, classic wedding (compared to our area, and what is typical).  Although we did not specify a dress code, we knew when ppl read the invites, which were classic/elegance (I had made myself though, and saved a ton of money!!), they would have a gist of the formality involved.  From the venue to the meal option they got to select, people knew a) ballroom, and b) plated meal.  

Fast forward to post wedding, and I think this is going to happen NO MATTER how much, or how little you spend, we opened cards with way tooooo much (as far as cash gifts go), and cards with nothing at all.  Or, cards from a family of 4, with a $25 check.  Do I frown upon them?!  No, not at all.  They did what they could, and we appreciate the sentiment.  The good news, for us, is we  had 1 gift gift to actually open, and it a really sweet Irish plaque for our home!!  I am not a fan of wedding day gifts, giving or receiving, so we were happy about that – but again, would have been thankful.

As far as my guest etiquette, I give the same amount every time, no matter who, what, when, where, or how.  My cousin had a backyard BBQ, and actually ran out of food before we could really eat, and it did not nor would not change how much I gave them.  Just as if it was super duper fancy, I would give the same, etc!!!  

I promise, you will be pleasantly surprised by all the generosity!!

Post # 65
Member
2426 posts
Buzzing bee

Is this real life? I hope it is! 

Oh darn, my husband’s NYC and Connecticut relatives didn’t pay for their plates. It’s been over a year now. Should I send them a nasty email? 

Post # 66
Member
4685 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

So let me get this straight…. you’re a bargain queen and have a reputation as being that, so does this mean you bargain shop for friends gifts and things but now that it’s your wedding, you want guests to only get you expensive gifts? This is probably the rudest thing I have seen on here in a while. it sounds to me like you feel as though since you are throwing a fancy wedding, you feel like your guests should reward you somehow with expensive gifts? Or maybe since you are cheap and spending so much money on this wedding you want to recoup some of the cost by getting bigger gifts. No matter how you twist it, you aren’t being a very good hostess. I don’t care if you had your wedding in the most expensive venue in your area, my gift for you would still be what I could afford and felt comfortable giving. have you considered that part of it? have you considered that your guests, even if they wanted to, may not be able to afford whatever it is you are expecting based on your venue and style of wedding? Gifts aren’t required so you are setting yourself up for dissappointment by not only expecting gifts from your guests but also expecting or wanting a certain level of gift.

I don’t care that you only wantd to hear how to imply to your guests that you want expensive stuff. So save yourself the hassle of telling me I didn’t answer appropriately. If you don’t want to hear all kinds of responses then don’t ask questions on the internet.

Post # 67
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

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Mrs.Sawyertobe:  “I can’t imagine having to “pay” for an event in which I am a guest.”

My “pay for your plate” mentality is never about paying an entrance fee.  It’s about not allowing your friends to be too generous towards you.  I’ll let a friend buy me a coffee, but if she insists on buying me and DH 400$ worth of food and liquor, I’m moved to return the favour.  Accepting such a big gift without giving back something big in return would make me very uncomfortable.

I’d love to give out 500$ at every wedding I attend, but since I’ve attended 4-5 every year for the past 5 years, that’s not doable for me and I do give less for cake and punch in the church basement.           

Post # 68
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

If you have to ask how to convey that this event is classy and high end, you’re not having a really fancy wedding. Problem solved. 

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by BalletParker.
Post # 69
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Mauritius

TBH – OP is so fancy & rich right? They don’t need gifts or money… 

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by UKbee.
Post # 70
Member
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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audrey_lane:  I’m from Jersey (Northern, right next to Staten Island) and I’ve never heard of/done this.  I’m also 100% Sicilian-Italian.

Post # 71
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee

All I can say is that, if I was the “poor” relative of the pay-for-your-plate people and I became wealthy later in life, the relatives who felt it was perfectly fine to give my already well-off cousin $500 because she was already able to throw an expensive wedding and gave me $50 because I wasn’t would not be the ones getting invited to my house for nice dinners or to go on vacations with me when my economic status changed because I would have been so unbelievably heartbroken by the fact that my relatives conveyed to me that I literally wasn’t worth as much as my other cousins because I was “poor” that I don’t know that I would be able to speak with them anymore.

Post # 72
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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beenonymous765:  And if you are going to call this mentality “horrible” and judge me for it, I’m not sure why others shouldn’t judge you for your mentality.  That was very rude.  I would welcome a gift of thought.  But I wouldn’t expect to be judged for a family raised on covering their plate.  It is our tradition.  I don’t expect everyone to give this way, but it is prevalent in my family and it was how I was raised.  I have a hard time bucking the tradition.  Some people may think I’m showing off being overly generous.  I tried to break tradition at a friend’s wedding which was immediately after mine, and I couldn’t.  It’s in me too much and I thought about what it would feel like if she heard how I gifted our other soon-to-be-married friends.

<br />However it did create a problem.  She seemed upset because she gifted me less at my wedding, and at a party she actually apologized for giving so little, which made me feel horrible.  I explained I do not expect the same in return and it’s not about that.  It’s just the way it is with me.  I understand people give differently.  But you cannot trash all over the way I do things and act like your way is better.  The way I learned to give makes logical sense to me.  I would pay between $250-500 for 2 tickets for a night of open bar, dinner, drinks, dancing and transportation. Giving under that amount seems like I’m cheating them.  I get others don’t feel that way but I’m done apologizing for the way we do things.  It’s a part of me and if I don’t do it I feel like shit.  Take my fucking gift and be happy about it or whatever. 🙂

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by audrey_lane.
Post # 73
Member
3273 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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nikkiibee:  yep, central NJ here and I thought “cover your plate” was a weddingbee thing as I’ve never seen it play out this way in my circle. But we’re not fancy people 😉

Post # 74
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’ve never seen “cover your plate” on wedding bee, but I have seen it all over New York and New Jersey.  But our friends are mostly Italian, Indian or Japanese/Chinese/Taiwanese – these are circles known for huge weddings.  MY family is Northern Jersey.  Though I guess parts would be consider more “central”.

Post # 75
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Russian background – and yes – covering your plate is a real concept – in fact, my mother was horrified when I told her that at American weddings it’s perfectly normal NOT to give a gift… 

On the other hand – I really hope the OP was asking about how to make sure people understand you are having an elegant affair (and dress accordingly) – not how to make sure you get decent gifts… 

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