(Closed) How to make things right with FMIL

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Could you give her small tasks to be in charge of?  Or will she continue to overstep boundaries?  It may come down to your fiance needing to remind her that it is your and his wedding, not hers.  

Post # 4
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I dont think leaving her out is rude at all. It is yours and your FI’s wedding. Theres not much you can do to change her mind. Shes gonna be pissy regardless.. and thats assuming that the planning is really what her problem is. I would keep moving forward. She will either jump back on the wagon or lose out miserably. As long as you and your Fiance are on the same page with everything, no one elses opinions matter.

Post # 5
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Maybe this isn’t about the two of you at all though, maybe it is about her relationship with someone else– ie her boyfriend. Just the implication that you Fiance isn’t listening to you might mean that is how she is feeling. Maybe going to her and sitting down to ask her what is really important to her on the day of your wedding will help put it in perspective for her. That way she can give you a few things and you can nix the ones that are total no’s, but maybe allow her a few concessions? She obviously wants to be involved, but maybe doesn’t quite know how to do it?

Post # 6
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I was kind of in your shoes when planning mine. My Mother-In-Law wanted to do everything local and invite everyone ant their brother, have a classic beach wedding out here on the Gulf where we live. However, I always dreamed of having a mountain wedding in a little white chapel (super old with history behind it!), in the middle of the summer when the hills were full of flowers, small wedding with just a few people we love and know well.

 

Well when I introduced this idea, tears were shed..literally on the spot. lol. It took literally MONTHS to convince her that this mountain-esque wedding couldactually double as a HUGE family vacation! Sure enough, it worked. I mentioned all the things she would enjoy and NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT PUTTING TOGETHER..hint hint. However, I DID enlist her AWESOME craft skills in putting together some decor. But she knew I had a one-track mind and stayed where she was at on some things. She gave me great advice, but I took it as advice, and she knew that.

 

What worked in my favor is that she had a daughter who got married before me who was SUPER picky on what she wanted so she told me her mantra the whole time was, “Its your wedding day, you do what you want.”But what is cool is that she got her input in, but she clearly understood it was our wedding day and we did what we wanted. I pray that maybe it can take some convincing, manipulating, and trying…but you can let her talk and see what she says, but still firmly remind her who’s wedding it actually is. Heck you can say, well…if you like that..why don’t you use that idea for when you and your man get hitched? You never know..

Post # 7
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

I think leaving her out of the decisions is the right choice. Anyone helping you with the wedding should be making things EASIER on you, not harder or more stressful.  Your wedding isn’t about her so she needs to get over that.

What you can do is involve her in ways that doesn’t require her opinion like more task oriented things. Are you DIYing anything? If there are a few wedding crafts you have to make maybe involve her in those?  Tell her if she sees any cute photo ideas for you engagement photos or wedding day photos. Maybe have her go to one of your dress fittings?

One positive thing is that you and your Fiance are on the same page and sticking together on decisions.

Post # 8
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

 

How to fix it? It’s hard but I would start by making sure she understands that you both love her very much and miss the connection you had before the planning started. There is nothing wrong with being completely honest, and it usually works after people have gotten all their issues out in the open.

 

She is most likely feeling disappointed with her own relationship or maybe the previous marriage that didn’t work out? She may be trying to live through you and your Fiance or that making decisions was her right as Future Mother-In-Law. I would suggest giving her a task to complete, but nothing involving her decision making skills! DIY tasks that enable her to get stuck in and produce something on her own or with your help? A bonding session may help matters.

 

Me and my Future Mother-In-Law have had a great relationship, much like you, before the wedding planning. We live with her atm and she just irritates me sometimes! She wants ALL her family invited (“oh but they won’t come”) and raised eyebrows are common when I try to explain all my (non traditional) ideas. I have realised that I am a bit dismissive of her and this is not helping the situation so instead, when we talk, I make a real effort to listen and show I care about her opinion.

Post # 9
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee

To me, it does not sound like she is upset about the planning. It sounds like she has some other problem that she is dealing with “losing her child”…”not being your Fiance #1 woman”…whatever the case, this sounds like she is just picking fights to pick them. If it were a planning thing, I think she would be working within your boundaries rather than pushing everything. 

I would start talking to her about how hurt you are that you feel like your relationship has been so strained because of one day out of a lifetime. (I know that this is a hugely important day, but I don’t think it should break your relationship with your FMIL). Ask her what the problem is…is it that she thought the wedding would be X and it isn’t going that way? Does she feel like you two don’t appreciate her input or participation? 

Then maybe you can get to the bottom of things. If she continues to dance around the issue and be difficult, I think you have the answer that the problem is not what you think it is and it will be up to her to solve it. 

 

Post # 10
Member
4659 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@solitaire18:  We too have been accused to exclusion… but after we had some decisions met with consternation and hand-wringing and “you’ll regret it”… can we really be blamed for ceasing to share our ideas? 

What we did: FH let her know that we’re open to anything she wants to say and will give her any information she wants, it’s just she has to ask directly (I’m not going to randomly contact her about it) and that the final decision is ours, which is true. I’m always open to hearing good ideas, it’s just that final creative control rests with FH and I. 

It’ll probably blow over and be forgotten after the wedding… at least that’s the vibe I have, it doesn’t seem toooo serious… hopefully your Future Mother-In-Law is as nice as mine. 

Post # 13
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would invite her to dinner or lunch and have a chat. explain to her everything you’ve said here. maybe give her a task or something you could let her be “in charge of”. 

Post # 14
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I instinctively knew that my Future Mother-In-Law would try to take things over so Fiance and I planned everything and THEN I told her – she was shocked and furious but couldn’t do anything about it. Give her something minor to do and just keep planning without her.

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