How to Manage Waiting for My Younger Man to Propose?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Will he propose soon?
    By the end of this year : (2 votes)
    2 %
    Within the next 6 months : (5 votes)
    5 %
    Get a clue, he doesn't want to marry you : (44 votes)
    45 %
    Who knows! : (47 votes)
    48 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    6004 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I’m sorry sweetie, but if you put up with a guy saying he won’t propose to you because you bring it up, you’re not ‘fiercely independent’. Bottom line I’m getting from this is that you’ve been very clear on your goals and expectations and he wants you to shut up and stay in limbo until it feels organic to him at an unspecified time. You don’t want to give him an ultimatum or walk away so I’m not sure what to advise you, except to try talking to him again and tell him how this patriarchal one-sidedness is making you feel. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    9574 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    “We have discussed timetables and he’s thinking that we could be married (not engaged) two years from now.”

    He’s been 100% clear and told you how he feels you’re just not believing him. He WILL NOT be marrying you by your Fall 2018 deadline. PERHAPS he may marry you in two years, his current timeline, but that’s not a guarentee. This isn’t a coy game he’s playing to surprise you, you’re just trying to tell yourself that because you can’t face the truth.

    Either you wait around a few years and hope that it happens or you walk. But he isn’t going to marry you in the next year and clearly has no plans to. If you’re a fiercly independent woman and marriage is this important to you, then go be fiercely independent and move on with your life by finding someone who wants what you want out of life. What you’re doing right now is the opposite of fiercely independent. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    883 posts
    Busy bee

    I would walk on or before fall 2018, no ultimatum. You have told him your time line if he doesn’t wish to follow it or suggest an alternative concrete timeline his loss.

    Post # 5
    Member
    205 posts
    Helper bee

    The part I find most concerning is that he tells you wanting to be engaged is a “project” because “you’re bored”…condescending enough…then even more condescendingly “once you’re married I’ll need to give you a baby to keep you entertained”. As if marriage and children are “diversions” men give “weak-minded” women to keep them entertained! Normal, good men do not perceive marriage and family that way!

    Post # 6
    Member
    2420 posts
    Buzzing bee

    There are definitely some flags here to me regarding his maturity and readiness for marriage. He has told you that he thinks marriage is a project for you and that you’ll want to have a kid next — which is not only insulting that he thinks marriage is like a box to tick for you, but also tells you that he’s afraid of you wanting to have kids soon. If you DO want kids, I’d tread cautiously with this guy, since it sounds like he doesn’t, at least not soon after a potential marriage. I’m also pretty skeptical of the “because you keep asking” excuse as to why he hasn’t proposed. It sounds like he’s happy with the status quo and just doesn’t really see a reason to marry you at this point.

    I do also think age might be significant here. When you started dating he was 25 and you were 29, so that’s also a big age difference IMO not in terms of years but in terms of potential maturity and life stage. At 25 he may have been okay with saying “in 2 years” because it seemed like a long way off, only to now be realizing that he’s not actually ready and he doesn’t actually want to get married/engaged for a while. He simply has a lot less reason for urgency than you do. Plus, in many of the metro areas of the country, men don’t on average start getting married until around 30. So if it’s not something he sees his peers doing, he might be less likely to feel external pressure to get married anytime soon. Whereas you’re feeling a lot of external pressure because you see all your coworkers married, friends married, relatives are asking when it’s gonna happen, etc.

    I wouldn’t hold my breath for this guy. The fact that you are having monthly fights about this is another red flag to me. If it’s something you both want, it shouldn’t be this difficult. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    205 posts
    Helper bee

    Hate to say it but if he insults you for wanting marriage and refuses to give a straight answer to a simple question it doesn’t sound like a perfectly good relationship

    Post # 9
    Member
    7904 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    najadai :  The thing is, it’s not a “perfectly good relationship” if it’s putting you into this state of angst. 

    I agree with pp that his line about marriage and then a baby being projects to keep you from getting bored is really offputting and condescending. I don’t have a good feeling about this bee. My guess is he loves you and is perfectly content but he’s not emotionally ready to take things to the next level, and no amount of pinterest ring sharing or hint dropping is going to make him ready. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    390 posts
    Helper bee

    Najadai

    I am usually a proponent of ‘walk’.  However, you’ve been dating two years and in my opinion, it’s still within the range of ‘reasonable’ when it comes to the time frame when you should date someone and get to know them enough to decide on getting married. So, if I were you, assuming the relationship is a good one, I would wait it out a bit. However, I will wait for NO man beyond 3  years. 2 I understand. 3 and you should definitely know me enough by then. I am 8 years older than you and already had kids so I told my man that I will not be with him past 2 years without engagement…but only because I’m older and wiser (we both are).

    I say all this to say, you have to learn how to chill with the marriage talk. Trust me, it’s a drag on your relationship and frankly, it’s super annoying. You already told him what your needs are.  Please do not think that by mentioning it more and more, that somehow it will pull him closer to engagement.  A man will do what he wants to do. And to be honest, that is what you want….you do not want him to propose to you because he feel obligated.

    So if I were you, I would set a quiet, in my head, walk date (but only if you’re willing to do so).  Between now and then, bite your tongue. Get on the phone with a girlfriend and vent, take it out on pinterest, scream in the pillow, etc.  I guarantee you that your man will over time, start to wonder why you’re not bringing it up and ironically you will appear even more appealing than you already are. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    2525 posts
    Sugar bee

    najadai :  What’s “perfectly good” about a relationship you’re not happy in, with a guy who isn’t proposing any time soon? 

    Life is too short to keep settling, and to keep waiting for someone to make decisions for you… 

    Post # 14
    Member
    10 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    In my last relationship, we had the “where is this relationship going” talk about 3 years in and he told me THEN (never before) that marriage was never on the table and would never be. I dumped him about 6 months later.
    I met my now fiance 2 years later when he was 27 and I was 31, and told him upfront that I wanted to get married someday to someone. Within a year and a half we were talking about marriage and he said he was fine with a Catholic wedding even though he’s atheist because it was a deal breaker for me if we didn’t have one. He just propsed to me in May. We are 30 and 34.
    I worked with a guy who’s girlfriend bugged him to get engaged and he told her that he wouldn’t if she nagged him about it. She stopped talking about it and within 4 months he popped the question and they have been happily and beautifully married for 6 years.
    If you aren’t willing to wait, then walk and stop wasting your time. If you don’t want to walk and you know you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy and no one else, just wait. It will happen when you are BOTH ready. If you push him and he proposes just to make you happy, that may cause more problems than it will solve.

    Post # 15
    Member
    7904 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    najadai :  So, I can see how the wedding might be another “project” for you to plan, but what about the marriage? That’s what this is about right – the wedding is just one day. I’m assuming that you want a lot more than a wedding – you want the life-long commitment of being married to one another and all that it entails?

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