- 3 years ago
Help. My boyfriend (27) and I (31) have been dating for nearly two years. He’s a great guy and we’ve built a nice little life together. We have a house together (I own it solo), two dogs and do most things together. I have this thing against badmouthing my SO to friends or discussing our problems at length as not to taint our relationship. But, honestly, I really need to talk to someone about my anxiety over the lack of a proposal in hopes that perhaps that will help me stop nagging him about it. So after reading other similar posts on WeddingBee, here I am making my own first post.
I have made it very clear to my bf that I would like to get married Fall 2018, and I’m just not sure he is on the same page. We have talked about it at length and he assures me that he plans on proposing and I am the most important thing in his life. According to him, the fact that he has not proposed yet is a combination of: 1) me bringing it up all the time; 2) him not being satisfied with where he is in life stability-wise; and 3) a fear that I am rushing this as just another project to entertain myself and worry that once we get married, I will be bored again and need another “project” – a baby.
I understand that he is younger, but frankly, he is not THAT young. He has a stable career and more than enough money to buy the ring anytime he wanted. So now my insecurities are starting to get to me. I have a history of dating men that were never ready to take the next step with me so it is admittedly a sore spot. I’m starting to feel like “sure, you love me, but clearly, you don’t love me enough to marry me” or “Why am I good enough to play house with, but not good enough to actually marry.” Obviously, a big part of this is validation for me (even though I know this is not a good reason to push the issue). Also, I’m an attorney working in a very professional environment and frankly, I’m just tired of feeling like a child talking about my “boyfriend” when seemingly everyone else is married.
In the very beginning of our relationship, I was very clear that I would start to get antsy around 2 years and that ultimately if he took too long, I would walk because I’m not getting any younger. We have discussed timetables and he’s thinking that we could be married (not engaged) two years from now. So to me, that says he’s thinking of a proposal sometime in late 2018 as opposed to this fall like I’m hoping for.
Admittedly, I have stepped it up to crazy level of “hints” – he’s a contributor to the Pinterest board (which he indulges my adding pins and discussing ideas), I openly show him rings, and talk about wedding planning on a regular basis. After our last fight about this (they happen about once a month now), I said I would stop but it has been really hard and I’ve started again, which caused another argument last night about him feeling pressured and me feeling like he doesn’t respect my feelings on this being important to me.
Being totally honest with myself, I’m not willing to give the ultimatum because I think that is wrong and also, I know I’m not really willing to walk. At the same time, however, I am a fiercely independent woman I hate this waiting for someone else to decide what’s going to happen with such a major part of my life. I feel like we should plan this together and he “just wants it to feel natural” and “make it a surprise” despite knowing that I hate surprises. At this point, I don’t know if he’s actually planning the proposal soon and just wants me to shut up so I don’t ruin it (he’s gotten more protective of his phone), or whether he is just legitimately dragging his feet.
I’m just looking for some advice on how to manage my emotions through this waiting process which is really testing my independent spirit and insecurities. At a very minimum, I’d love to hear your stories just to know I’m not alone and have another outlet to discuss my anxieties with other than him.
Added a poll because who doesn’t like polls 🙂