Post # 16
emu2017 : Thanks for your input. Do you mind me asking if you want children. If so, did you feel like that put pressure on your timetable? While I don’t want children right now (contrary to his concerns), I also don’t want to wait too late. I don’t want to get married and then immediately get pregnant. That’s part of the reason I was hoping things would happen sooner than later – so we could enjoy a few years of married life before bringing kids into the picture.
Post # 17
All this stuff about you bring it up too much, next you’ll want a baby right away, etc makes it VERY clear that you two are not on the same timeline. You’ve made it clear what yours is, it sounds like he’s made it clear (both directly and indirectly) what his is. Just because you are ready to be married and you love each other, doesn’t mean that he should be ready too.
So, now you need to decide what’s more important, marrying him on your timeline or the relationship. You are still empowered and independent and able to make a decision. That’s your decision to make. But you can’t brow beat him into being ready when he’s not.
Ps – you guys live together, have pets, share a life. Married life won’t be much different (said as someone who shared a life for years and then got married). So I wouldn’t worry about needing X amount of time as a married couple before you want kids.
Post # 18
tiffanybruiser : I’ve tried explaining this to him, but as some of the other commenters have said, we are just on completely different timetables so we just don’t look at this the same (yet).
Post # 19
I just hate feeling like I have to either walk or just wait for whenever he’s “ready.”
Girl, I get it, really I do. But you can’t force him to want to do something he doesn’t want to do so you’re out of options other than to wait or go. It sucks, but that’s what it boils down to. He isn’t ready and no amount of talking about it, dropping pinterest hints or fights is going to make him ready before he wants to be.
Post # 20
MsPlucky : I am happy in my relationship, I’m just not happy with our disparate timelines for the future. My anxiety around the lack of a proposal is playing on my insecurities and honestly, I’m not sure he’s to blame for my unhappiness with that. I guess I’m more the point of trying to figure out whether its worth the wait or if waiting even still won’t produce anything years down the line.
Post # 21
I would not stay with a guy who describes marriage as a “project” or having a baby as a “project”. That wouldn’t sit well with me.
He is clearly not ready to get married and making excuses to delay your nagging.
Post # 22
lucreziab : “The part I find most concerning is that he tells you wanting to be engaged is a “project” because “you’re bored”…condescending enough…then even more condescendingly “once you’re married I’ll need to give you a baby to keep you entertained”. As if marriage and children are “diversions” men give “weak-minded” women to keep them entertained! Normal, good men do not perceive marriage and family that way!”
+1 for you, minus 1 for me on the reading comprehension- I got so hung up on 1) that I must have skimmed over the even-worse 3)
OP, how dare he speak so condescendingly to you- if you’re normally a fiercely independent woman- he’s taking the essence of this away from you and reducing you to a misogynist’s stereotype.
Now I’m pissed at him on your behalf. If this is the manner in which he speaks to you, I’d pack his shit up and tell him you did it because you were bored, don’t let the door hit his ass on the way out.
Post # 23
“I am happy in my relationship, I’m just not happy with our disparate timelines for the future.”
Here’s the thing though, not being on the same page about the future isn’t just some minor thing that’s tangental to your relationship. It’s a huge part of your actual relationship. Being on the same page about the future is an absolute MUST in any healthy relationship. So you may be happy in the sense that you really love your boyfriend and have a great time together and love your life with him…….but deep down this nagging fear that he doesn’t value you enough to marry you is already eating away at your happiness and will eat away at it more and more as time passes and this issue remains unresolved.
It sounds like you’re not ready to give an utimatum or even set a mental walk date or anything, which is okay…everyone has to go through their own journey on these things and I totally get that it’s a gradual process. But please don’t minimize the importance of this issue as it relates to your overall happiness.
I say this over and over again but it appleis to so many bees: your relationship should be a source of security and joy in your life, not a source of angst. If it gets to the point where yours is more angst than security, it’s time to say goodbye.
Post # 24
I’m in the same boat, but mine has the ring already. We currently live together, pay bills, and operate as a married couple, but he wanted us to be officially married. I originally didn’t care, but now I want it too.
He’s 25, and I’m 29. He gave me the whole “I want to be in a better place before I propose” excuse a long time ago, and has mentioned that he has issues with how independent I am. It all comes down to he needs to feel like a man, and like he can provide before he asks. Its natural, I get why he feels that way. I own the house we live in, and until this year, I was the bread winner. However, now that he is making more money, bought the rings, and everything else feels settled, I thought we might be finally getting engaged. Wrong. The stress from friends and family bugging us about it has caused arguments, sometimes as often as twice a week. Long story short, we finally had a real conversation about the stress a simple engagement has put on us, and decided to back off of the situation until things have calmed down. He’s feeling as much pressure, if not more, than I am, and we both feel better by just telling people it will happen when it happens.
Post # 25
“The part I find most concerning is that he tells you wanting to be engaged is a “project” because “you’re bored”…condescending enough…then even more condescendingly “once you’re married I’ll need to give you a baby to keep you entertained”. As if marriage and children are “diversions” men give “weak-minded” women to keep them entertained! Normal, good men do not perceive marriage and family that way!”
RobbieAndJuliahaha : Guys, he really isn’t the d-bag this makes it sound like. But I certainly do appreciate your anger for me haha. I think what he’s trying to express when he says this is that he worries I’m in it for the right reason – that I just want a ring and a baby. Now while I respect that as a legitimate concern, I do nonetheless find it insulting that he would even think that. I have a lot to offer and no reason to be desperate so that’s why the conversation turns into an argument. I don’t feel like he respects my genuine desire to get married for a marriage. Its like dude, I can go get a baby from any guy, there are other guys that would be happy to marry me, but I’m a being unreasonable for being excited about wanting to share my life with you.
Post # 26
So basically, he doesn’t believe you want to get married to him because you WANT to marry him. He thinks you just want a wedding.
Post # 27
tiffanybruiser : Thank you. I really appreciate that and you are totally right. I’m “perfectly” happy as long as I bury this issue but as time passes it is becoming more difficult to bury it and eating away at my ability to stay happy and grow in the relationship.
Post # 28
Time to drag out the Big Book of Lame Ass Excuses again.
OP is ‘pressuring’ him too much, that’s right on page one. He wants more ‘stability’—that’s covered in Chapter Three: Insults to Our Collective Intelligence.
He does demonstrate a bit of original thinking with the line about marriage for OP would just be another ‘project’, and after that, the little woman is sure to start angling for a baby. Not Hall of Fame material, but plenty offensive.
Here’s the real reason he hasn’t proposed: he doesn’t want to.
OP, you are only at the mercy of your bf’s reluctance because you’re putting yourself in that position. You can take your power back any time you’re ready.
Post # 29
txmissy : So another interesting component you bring up along with the age is the money and need to feel like a provider. I make 3x as much as he does and that may be the case for a very long time. He tries to say it doesn’t bother him, but in a few other unrelated arguments he has kind of let it slip that he struggles with that. For us, I don’t know if its an issue that can ever be resolved because its not just our ages but also our professional industries. He loves to make sugar momma jokes but no that you’re mentioning it to, I suppose that probably pays a role too (even though it shouldn’t.
Post # 30
Hmm, I hate to say it but this doesn’t sound promising. What if you wait another year, two years, three years, suddenly you’re mid thirties and in the same situation. I totally hear you, I’m a doctor and consider myself independent too. But the reality is that you can’t force anyone to do anything, you can only make decisions for yourself. I would suggest telling him you would like to be engaged within a year, then just totally drop the topic. If it doesn’t happen, then you have your answer. Good luck xo