Post # 61
najadai : I am so sorry to say this, but I feel like it has to be said.
This difference in timelines and readiness and what ever the heck else: it matters.
It matters a lot.
And that feeling of having to nag, to not be able to relax, to not be “chill” even though you really really want to be, it doesn’t go away. (for most people, like almost everyone)
So you can keep trudging along with this, bludgeoning yourself on the head about this great relationship and how you have to learn to be patient and maybe he needs time. You can keep doing this and eventually something inside you breaks and you lose that flame in your relationship.
This feeling of disparity between what is important for you in order to move on in your life and the rate at which it is actually moving can cause deadly damage to yourself and to your love.
I have been there and it is so ugly, sad and damaging.
Straight up think about this and if all of this drama is “worth it”.
I think the heart wants what the heart wants and beating it with logic or wishful thinking isn’t gonna change a damn thing.
Post # 62
tiffanybruiser : Fun fact: We are going to a wedding this weekend so I will definitely be put to the test on not bringing it up haha.
But in all seriousness, I AM willing to walk (just not yet). If, like you said, it doesn’t happen by the timeline he’s laid out, then he’s just a liar that has been BS’ing me and I have what I need to leave. I will know that it wasn’t just me being overly pushy and selfishly wanting it to happen when I want it.
If he doesn’t do it by his timeline, it would show a blatant disrespect for the concerns I have articulated to him about starting a family etc. It has been made clear to him that I will leave if it doesn’t happen in a reasonable amount of time (I have not told him that deadline – In my mind it’s really the end of 2018). He knows that we need to start having kids by 35 and I don’t want to get pregnant immediately after marriage. So if he proposed in 2018, I would be 32 and likely married at 33 – leaving at least another year before I have to really stress fertility.
Post # 63
Shesaidyes : I think that’s true if you’re talking a number of years. Like OP posted, though, Should I really throw away everything over a 4-7 month difference when we all know that time will fly by? I mean, I have stuff in my fridge that is older than this gap in timelines. Getting super upset about that kind of time difference is unhealthy and control-freaky, IMO.
Post # 64
KittyYogi : I understood as though the OP partner will want to get engage in Fall ’18 and married in ’20. That is almost three years later in that timeline. But maybe I misunderstood?
okay, so I re-read the first post which only says “getting engaged in Fall of ’18” .
Obviously I don’t know how long the engagement would be, but it sounds to me like even the “engaged in Fall of ’18” is also speculation from the begining of the relationship.
My feeling in general regardles of this matter: OP just feels like at 31 she is ready for next steps (marriage family) and her partner just isnt giving her any certainty. Maybe after two years that may feel rushed or whatever, but I would bet hard cash that feeling wont go away no matter how hard she tries.
Her partner may not be ready now or even later. We don’t know. My point is: if she is ready and her partner is not she has a legitimate reason to feel unease. they haven’t been dating for two months, rather two years and marriage is important to her. I think I just want OP to know that it is pretty unrealistic to think she will just “learn to be patient” and train herself to be “chill” about her situation.
Post # 65
najadai : That makes sense bee. I hope it works out for you! We see these kinds of stories a lot on here and honestly, they can go either way. But I don’t blame you at all for wanting to see it through so you know for sure you made the right call if you do end up walking.
Post # 66
I understood as though the OP partner will want to get engage in Fall ’18 and married in ’20. That is almost three years after in that timeline. But maybe I misunderstood?
Shesaidyes : We have talked about wanting a Fall wedding. He’s made it pretty clear I probably won’t get my Fall 2018 wedding because he says we will be married within 2 years. So to be married two years from now (Fall 2019), that would mean a proposal sometime in 2018. He’s made comments about wanting/needing a year to plan the wedding, so that puts a proposal at no later than Fall 2018.
Post # 67
najadai : Okay, bee! Sorry, I think I misunderstood some things.
I hope everything works out for you. These stories always strike a note with me because I waited 11 years for marriage and eventually I walked but it was so hard. So when I hear about others going though similar I feel so much empathy in my heart. Our stories are very different (in mine children were involved and lots of other complications but mainly because I waited WAY TOO LONG)
So come back someday and update us with how you are doing! Let’s hope it’s an engagement anouncement 🙂
Post # 68
I’m a bit sad to read this
” In reality, his excuses are probably just a reaction to my controlling nature and push back on the relationship dynamic you all have picked up on where I can’t be vulnerable or lose control. Maybe he really just wants this one thing to himself to feel like ‘the man ‘ where I’m not involved in every detail of it. (I think I might have just had my ah-ha moment )
Because it sounds like yet another a woman who has convinced herself it’s all her fault and all she has to do is more Patient Griselda.
I hope I’m wrong .
Post # 69
I have updates:
For those of you that recommended Brene Brown, thank you. I watched about 4-5 different TedTalks and other talks on YouTube today and being the analytical/intellectual type that I am, the research-based approach really spoke to me. I ordered two of her books today – Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection.
For everyone else, it seems that I finally got through to him tonight. The topic came up again tonight because I was telling him how he might also benefit from the Brene Brown content and that some of the ladies on this forum told me about it. Somehow in that discussion, it finally clicked that I’m not just asking about the timeline to be controlling but instead because of legitimate concerns about our future. Perhaps the fact that I have now reached out to total strangers for help coping with it haha. Anyhow, he came home with flowers tonight and asked if I would be ok with a timetable where he promised to propose within the next year. I told him that worked for me and that’s all I’ve really been looking for all along – validation that I wasn’t wasting my time and heard my concerns. So from here, I just wait and see if he keeps his word.
Thanks again, everyone.
Post # 70
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
najadai : I’m really happy to read this. Sometimes something completely unexpected can totally change a person’s perspective. Funny it was something so out of left field that finally got thorough to the boyfriend.
Post # 71
najadai : Hopefully it all works out, and soon you’ll be posting about wedding planning!
Post # 72
najadai : I just caught up with this thread but your latest update sounds like good news. Plenty of bees have longer timelines than a year in the “waiting” stage so just keep your head up. Keep us updated, we are all going to want to see that ring once you have it!
Post # 73
najadai : Excellent update bee!!
Post # 74
I specifically opened this thread because you wrote your ‘younger boyfriend.’ My fiance is 9 years younger than me so I thought maybe I could relate to your situation. It seems like it may not be your boyfriend’s age so much as he is just not on the same page as you. There are plenty of guys his age and younger proposing. I don’t know if that he’s just not ready or what but his reasons to you about why he is not propsoing seem like he is avoiding the topic.
I don’t know what advice to give, especially if you want to wait a bit longer, except to maybe get really honest with yourself and see if this is really the man for you or if you just want the ‘project’ of getting married. Whatever you decide, please don’t settle for less than you want and deserve. Don’t be afraid to start over. I did at 31 and if I had stayed with my indecisve past boyfriend, I wouldn’t have my wonderful fiance now 🙂
Post # 75
Shesaidyes : I think your advice is spot on and very beautifully worded.
OP, waiting for him to feel ready will change you and change the relationship, it’s already doing that now. You’re already feeling disappointed and uncertain about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, even if you’re not ready to give up on him just yet.
I’m still very unhappy on your behalf that he’s said he hasn’t proposed because you’ve brought it up (!?!) and because he worries you want to take it on as a project because you’re bored. Regarding the first one- he’s grooming you, conditioning you like a freaking Pavlovian dog to suppress your thoughts and feelings. You can’t bring up wanting a proposal/ marriage or else he’ll delay proposing even longer. This is extremely manipulative, but it suits him because this way he doesn’t have to hear about it and can continue with his non-action in peace- and if you do bring it up, well then it’s your fault. Either way he doesn’t have to propose but he can’t be blamed. Quite the little trick, though sadly at your expense. And that project comment is just so sexist and demeaning….
You have made your own timeline very clear from the beginning and I guess he was okay pretending to go along with it or thinking he would be okay with it so long as it was in the future, not something he had to worry about in the present. Now that ‘married in 2018’ is looming and a proposal should be in the offing, he’s reneging, backtracking for no apparent reason. You already live together. He can afford to go out and buy a ring. So why now does he move the goalposts? ‘Married in 2019’ simply buys him another year.
Maybe he will propose by the end of 2018 as he’s assuring you he’s hypothetically on board with now or maybe he’ll invent new reasons as to how you’ve spoiled it and it must be delayed. But even if he ends up proposing, this altered timeline, this additional longer wait that you have no say in – that you aren’t supposed to even be able to bring up in conversation- this wait could change you and the way you feel toward your relationship. You may be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it’s already changing how you feel toward him, deep down. He’s taking an awfully big risk here and he doesn’t even realize it.