Post # 76
RobbieAndJuliahaha : His latest comments aren’t a revised timeline. In fact, it’s the same thing he’s been saying all along. Just finally got him to clearly articulate it. It is a few months longer than the timeline I had in mind ideally but still within the “walk” deadline I had in my mind. So I am comfortable now that he has given me this assurance. If he doesn’t hold up his end, so be it but I will at least give him a chance to keep his word.
Post # 77
najadai : What he’s been saying has been that he’s not ready to propose, that he’s delayed it because you’ve brought it up etc. You’ve said you wanted to be married by 2018. Now he’s brought you flowers and has you being okay with being proposed to by 2018. Maybe he’s sincere, maybe he’s simply found a new way to buy himself time. Look, I don’t like to see people sad and I certainly don’t want to see someone strung along, so I’d be dead happy to be wrong here and see you get your dream proposal et al- but this seems like needless ass-dragging and delays on his part. Why does he need a whole more year now? If I was living with someone and loved them and intended to marry them and found out my ass-dragging was hurting them and money isn’t an issue, I’d be taking them out ring shopping today, not trying to placate them with flowers and more pie-in-the-sky that coincidentally allows him the luxury of more time and inaction.
Post # 78
Have we not seen this movie several times before? They have The Talk—the This Time She Really Means it talk.
Woman comes out of it with a giant handful of nothing, feeling like they are FINALLY on the right track.
It takes a bit of a sleight of hand, but not much.
Post # 79
sassy411 : Yes, this is exactly what it is. He has her feeling a whole lot better about things, for now, but he hasn’t actually done anything except shut her about it. It makes me sad for the OPs who post these updates as though real actual progress has been made or something achieved
Post # 80
RobbieAndJuliahaha : sassy411 : It all depends on whether the guy is being honest, or is lying to his gf and/or himself.
If he truly isn’t ready to propose to his gf of less than two years (which I can completely understand) but knows he will want to within a year, then this discussion DID achieve something – a mutual understanding of where each is at and an agreed-upon plan for engagement. That’s a big accomplishment IMO.
If he’s lying to her and/or himself just to buy time, than clearly he’s managed to do that. The OP doesn’t believe he’s doing that and since she knows him better than anyone here, I hope that is the case.
I don’t think these guys should always be blindly trusted when they’ve been stringing along their girlfriends for years – but I also think that some men who are not quite ready to propose right this second will do so enthusiastically within the timeline they’ve outlined.
Post # 81
KittyYogi : It’s not him needing more time that I’m seeing as the core of this issue though.
IMO if he isn’t quite there yet, the decent thing to do would have been for him to initiate an honest discussion with her and tell her this, listen to each others thoughts and feelings and goals and hopefully find a compromise they can both be happy with.
But he didn’t. He allowed her to think he was on board with a 2018 wedding, so long as that seemed a far off date he didn’t have to act on. But once a 2018 wedding started to = a 2017 proposal and we’re heading toward the ass-end of 2017, he started coming up with a laundry list of reasons why he couldn’t propose- including ones that made it HER fault, not something he had to work on or wasn’t ready for.
So it’s based on his own words and actions that I’m side-eyeing his flowers-and-okay-next-year-for-sure and seeing this as yet another tactic of his to delay proposing and not have to deal with not-proposing. OP saw those TedTalks etc as helpful, he sounds the type who saw it as pressure and bought himself some time and an end to the TedTalks/relationship discussions he doesn’t want to keep hearing about.
Like I said though, I’d be more than happy to be wrong and have OP update us soon-ish with happy news. No pleasure in being right on these boards when another Bee’s happiness is on the line, it’s just that Bees like myself and sassy411 : have seen threads like these too many times and we’re frustrated on behalf of the OPs.
Post # 82
KittyYogi : Yeah, this is how I feel about it. I think it could go either way. Given the update, I am def more optimistic about this waiting story than many others we’ve seen on here, but if I were the OP, I’d also be frustrated about having to wait a whole year if there are no tangible obstacles (financial/career/whatever) to doing it now.
The thing that sucks is OP still has a nagging fear in her heart that her SO won’t come through, and that fear will color everything about her relationship until it’s resolved. Sure, life will continue and there will be plenty of joyful moments with her SO, but in the back of her mind, “when is he going to propose? is he going to propose? am I good enough?” is always going to be there. I think it will be very hard to enjoy life and be fully happy for the whole year with something so big weighing on her. But what is the alternative? The only alternative is to leave, which is very hard to do when you love someone and are generally optimistic that they will pull through for you. That’s why these waiting sagas are so wretched!
Post # 83
tiffanybruiser : “The thing that sucks is OP still has a nagging fear in her heart that her SO won’t come through, and that fear will color everything about her relationship until it’s resolved. Sure, life will continue and there will be plenty of joyful moments with her SO, but in the back of her mind, “when is he going to propose? is he going to propose? am I good enough?” is always going to be there. I think it will be very hard to enjoy life and be fully happy for the whole year with something so big weighing on her. But what is the alternative? The only alternative is to leave, which is very hard to do when you love someone and are generallyoptimistic that they will pull through for you”
This is exactly it. The answer isn’t a clear-cut ‘leave him!!!!!’ as it would be with abuse or cheating. This is someone who loves their partner and for whom the good aspects of the relationship outweigh any negatives. And so she understandably still has hope for a happy ending. But another year of waiting will take a toll, will change the relationship and will continue to be in the back of her mind and colouring her thoughts and feelings. How much is indeterminable at this point, which as I said in a previous post is a risk her SO is taking in procrastinating and he isn’t even aware of this risk or the potential costs to their relationship, even if he does propose. The SOs think they can wait another year or so and propose and things will be just exactly the same as if they’d proposed before all the waiting angst and uncertainty came into play. I wish more SOs could read some of these threads and see the toll waiting takes on their partners and the damage it does to their relationship.
Post # 84
RobbieAndJuliahaha : yeah I hear you on having seen this play out in the disappointing way. (I was an active user on a different account – “lolot” – while planning my wedding and into married life, before getting divorced :/ New account, new relationship, fresh start! So maybe I shouldn’t be giving advice lol)
You and Tiffanybruiser are absolutely right that this uncertainty can lend itself to resentment that carries into the relationship and the marriage. Frankly that happened with my ex and me – I was ready for marriage before him but was willing to wait past the point that others would have walked, because we had a great life and I loved him and he loved me. And when we did get married, he LOVED being married to me, and we were both happy. But then he started dragging his feet on having kids past the timelines we had talked about, and it was such a bigger deal to me than if he hadn’t already seemed to demonstrate reluctance about taking the next steps. It felt like the straw that broke the camel’s back, since I already had those other insecurities and resentments.
Life, man, it’s tough sometimes. Hoping this works out well for OP.
Post # 85
KittyYogi : I remember your former username 🙂 Congrats on your fresh start and your new relationship. And absolutely you should be able to give advice, my own life/ relationship is far from perfec, but we live and learn and, as you say, life is tough sometimes!
Post # 86
RobbieAndJuliahaha : The thing is, however, I don’t feel any of those things anymore. All I ever wanted/needed was reassurance. My issue was not that our timelines were different but that I couldn’t get any indiciation of just HOW different our timelines were.
He’s never expressed any doubt about marrying me. However, I was nonetheless worried about it because he wouldn’t talk about timelines. Per our resolution yesterday, the issue was that apparently he felt that I was only asking about the timeline to control every part of it, down to when it’ll happen. I think he’s just really committed to doing this on his own as a surprise and therefore didn’t want to disclose when.
To clarify the timelines issue, I expressed that I wanted to get married Fall 2018. He never explicitedly agreed with my timeline, and I never gave him any type of ultimatum with that timeline. So he isn’t breaking any promises to me with this so-called “extra” time. In fact, as I previously stated, this is within my walk deadline. A relationship shouldn’t be one-sided. I think it’s a unfair for me to have absolutely no flexibility on when it happens – especially since that’s exactly what I’m asking him to do for me (find a middle ground).
Additionally, he never said he wasn’t doing it because I asked about it at all. He’s always open to communicating about it. His problem was that I talked about it literally “all the time.”
I do not inherently distrust him. So, yes, I will give him a chance to keep his word because 1) he has now made a promise and 2) his promise is within the walk deadline I had in mind anyhow. I think once I start talking about it constantly, it will likely happen far before a year from now. The point, however, is that it would only be more destructive to our relationship to continue to doubt what he’s said – that’s precisely where all of the negative thoughts and energy that eat away at the relationship come from.
Post # 87
najadai : You may end up with a wonderful proposal and marriage, but you can’t seem to admit that the reason your bf hasn’t proposed yet is that he’s not 100% sure about marrying you. I’m sure it hurts, but reading all your updates, it’s what you’re unwilling to accept. His excuses about you being controlling are just that excuses and a way to keep pushing the timeline. Him not being sure you’re the one at the 2 year mark is a big red flag and you’re right to have serious doubts.
Even if I believed (I don’t) that he was absolutely sure you were going to be his future wife, him not proposing for another year just because he doesn’t want to even though he knows your struggling emotionally makes him sound pretty awful.
Post # 88
najadai : Are you trying to talk me into believing you or are you trying to talk yourself into believing you? Unfortunately I think it’s the latter, because at the end of the day I’m just some random Bee on a message board however you need to believe your own words so you can get on board with them.
Even if you’re not doing this consciously, you’re doing a lot of justifying here trying to put a good spin on things. But your choice of words are very telling.
He may not have explicitly agreed to your timeline either, but he didn’t voice an objection to it at the time either, allowing the ambiguity of his silence to mislead you into believing, up until fairly recently, that you were on the same page. So if we’re going to play at semantics here, he implicitly allowed you to believe he was okay with your timeline.
I don’t think anyone’s saying he doesn’t have the right to a timeline of his own, it’s his lack of forthrightness about it that is the issue.
And it’s very telling that you say “I do not inherently distrust him” rather than saying “I trust him”.
“Additionally, he never said he wasn’t doing it because I asked about it at all” Well, semantics again, no he didn’t say he wasn’t doing it ever because you asked about it, he said he hasn’t proposed yet because you’ve brought it up. Which is, in fact, laying the blame at your feet saying if you hadn’t brought it up you’d be engaged by now. That’s unfair (and almost certainly untrue) to the point of cruelty.
I know it must seem as though several Bees like myself are being unduly negative and I’m not taking any pleasure in pissing on your parade, I’d just hate to see you posting more of the same this time next year, hurt and disillusioned. But like I said, I’d rather be wrong, so good luck to you.
Post # 89
I’m also in the Oh, How I Wish I Was Wrong (But I Doubt It) camp—we’ve read the exact same verbiage umpteen times. Even spinning it in the way most favorable to bf, OP still has nothing she didn’t have before, except flowers.
I’m not singling out the OP when I say this: women continually post here seeking advice about feckless men. The Bees rally, they take the time to read the various comments and write their own posts.
And in return, the OP argues, defends, and makes excuses for the same fence sitting time waster about whom she complained in the first place.
Post # 90
I know we are past of the project part but reminded me of a friend (well she is friend if a friend that I see in events). she is a project person. she always needs to have a goal and finish something. she had been with he boyfriend for several years and they got married. now a year later they are getting a divorce. she admitted that the wedding was a project for her but she just didn’t realize it at the time. now that the honeymoon is over she realized that they are not a good match. I can see how his view on the project thing.
I’m glad you found a solution. I know a lot of people here push for walking out if he doesnt match your timeline but I think it’ fair to find a common ground instead of making him accommodate you. Sure it might end up differently but anything can happen anyways. problem in these threads is that we only know what you say. so we don’ know what he has said or.what you have said.