How to Manage Waiting for My Younger Man to Propose?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Will he propose soon?
    By the end of this year : (2 votes)
    2 %
    Within the next 6 months : (5 votes)
    5 %
    Get a clue, he doesn't want to marry you : (44 votes)
    45 %
    Who knows! : (47 votes)
    48 %
  • Post # 92
    Member
    5916 posts
    Bee Keeper

    najadai :  It’s sad that you’ve backpedaled on this to the point that the onus is on you to stop being bratty and selfish, and saddest of all I think you truly believe this. Sorry this thread and the poll you created didn’t give you the reassurance you hoped for and expected, I hope it works out the way you want it to. 

    Post # 93
    Member
    146 posts
    Blushing bee

    Full disclosure – I have not read the whole thread, but I read a large portion of it.

    I 100% understand the angst that you are feeling.  Perhaps I relate to your story so much because I am also a 31 year old attorney who experienced the exact frustrations that you have described re: being a fiercely independent woman who was feeling uncharacteristically insecure due to my boyfriend not proposing.

    But I have a very good news story for you.  I am now happily engaged.  And the one thing that I regret is that I allowed my emotions to dictate my behaviour to the point where I had actually nagged my SO about getting engaged.

    The facts leading up to my proposal were a bit different.  We started dating when I was 23 (turning 24) and he was 27.  We ended up dating for a little over 7 years before he proposed (though he had the custom box & ring for about 6 months before the proposal; he just waited until we took a trip back to our favorite place in our country).

    I love this man in a way that I never thought I could possibly experience love.  He is my absolute everything and we have weathered the toughest of storms together.

    When I used to ask him why he had not proposed yet, the reasons that he gave were essentially that he wanted to be in a more financially stable postion.  You see, even though I am financially secure as an attorney (and even though we had lived together for almost 7 years and we share expenses/ money) he has gone back to university to change careers (a decision that I supported and encouraged him to make).

    But my emotions and “ticking clock” would not allow me to hear and accept this reason.  I felt angst. I felt anxiety. I felt fear. I too have a rule against speaking negatively about my SO to family and friends so I turned to this board for help.  I recieved many messages telling me to dump him/ calling him a “dud”.

    For a brief moment, I actually considered leaving.  But I decided to suck it up, shut up, and wait a bit longer to have a final discussion with him (not to break up, but to really express my feelings).  My God am I happy that I stopped nagging him when I did, because he ended up proposing in the perfect spot and perfect way.  I actually felt guilty and like I did not deserve such a perfect proposal due to my prior nagging and doubtful thoughts.

    Anyway, the point of my message is this: only you know your man.  These posters (myself included) DO NOT KNOW YOUR MAN.  Take a breather, maybe meditate (that helped me a lot with the anxiety, particularly using the Headspace app), and shove all of these emotions to the side.  Get a clear head, find your fierce-independent-woman-power and then really think about the circumstances: the circumstances that only you truly know.

    In my case: I knew my SO was the one; I knew my SO was being honest with me; and I knew my emotions were getting the better of me.  But I let those emotions cloud my sound judgment and I reached out to this board in a moment of weakness (but part of me is also happy that I did, because I discovered this good-intetnioned community of women).

    So those are my thoughts.  Only you know whether he is the one and worth waiting for.  I hope he is and that you live “happily ever after”; but if he isn’t, you sound like you are incredibly strong and will be just fine.

    Best wishes, Bee.

    Post # 95
    Hostess
    3844 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    najadai :  I’m glad that you and your SO talked about this more.  From what you wrote, I got the impression that you were ticking boxes off (Fall 2018 wedding, babies by x date) vs being in love with the man you’re dating and wanting to start the next chapter of your lives together.  As a fellow attorney and Type A person, I am definitely guilty of this as well.  I really really wanted a Fall 2015 wedding.  I didn’t know why, we just had said we wanted a fall wedding and I got it in my head that it would be Fall 2015.  Darling Husband proposed Spring 2015, and we got married Fall 2016.  In the grand scheme of things, did waiting that extra year matter?  Not to me (FWIW we got married at 27, so your SO’s age). 

    2 years at 27 is pretty fast imo.  I know Darling Husband and I outliers, but we got married at that age after 9 years of dating.  Most of my friends (27-29) dated their SOs for 4+ years before getting engaged.  If his timeline is to get engaged next fall and married the year after, that sounds pretty close to what you originally wanted.  I know PP have given you grief about it, but considering you’ve only been dating for 2 years, if you really love him and want to spend your life with him, I don’t see the harm in waiting another year.  It didn’t sound like he promised you a Fall 2018 wedding and then renegged – it sounds like you wanted it even though he told you that he wasn’t ready for that.  I read your conversation as an honest attempt to figure out whether you were on the same page and see if some sort of compromise could be made.  

    Post # 96
    Member
    443 posts
    Helper bee

    As someone in her 20s, around your BF’s age, honestly 2 years is quite a short time frame for a 20smthing year old man/woman to begin nagging or being nagged about marriage. Sure, some couples do it in that time but for a lot of us in that age range, move-ins occur at 18months or so, talks on marriage around the 2 year mark and proposals begin in the 3 year range.

    Or at least that’s average and par for course of my friend-group and peers.

    I don’t think he’s disrespecting you or ignoring your wishes, he has been clear on his timeline, he will propose Fall 2018…so either you wait till then or you decide you can’t/won’t wait and walk now.

    Also, it seems like there are a bunch of external pressures on you regarding marriage – you don’t want to refer to him as your boyfriend, your history of men who won’t marry you….

    He isn’t like those other men before, if he was, you would have realized it earlier and left. As for referring to him as your boyfriend when everyone else is married? Change his title – I call mine, my SO – my significant other, my other half. He’s more than just a boyfriend, a term I’ve used many times before for multiple guys before him….he’s more than that to me now, so he’s been given an “upgrade”. Titles are titles, you can call him whatever you want, if boyfriend feels too childish, change it.

    Post # 98
    Member
    960 posts
    Busy bee

    Cool! I read the first page and last page, saw this good news. Now, just need to let it be and see what happens. If you’re getting anxious about when he’ll propose, remember he’d eventually propose. Keep calm and let him be. Hugs. Congratulations on such a big step ahead!!

    Post # 100
    Member
    7814 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    najadai :  Yayy!! I remember your story! So glad it has a happy ending!

    Post # 101
    Member
    201 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: Chula Vista Golf course

    Congrats!!

    Post # 102
    Member
    22 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    Beautiful ring! Congrats!

    Post # 104
    Member
    408 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    Congratulations!!! It’s beautiful!

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