(Closed) How to move past feelings of resentment

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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everythingpink:  I guess this is a good reason you two didn’t get engaged/married prior to moving in with each other. He clearly doesn’t see you as a priority like you see him. He does not want to settle down, so it seems.

However, you stated that he had a bad experience living with a previous girlfriend, so maybe he is sincerely taking his time with marriage because he’s worried, over time, that the same thing will happen?

Either way, I think you can do better than this. For you to pack up your things and move away from family with a dude who can’t even have a calm conversation about your future together? I wouldn’t waste my time if I were you.

Post # 3
9 posts

You’re definitely at a crossroads in your relationship. You’re ready for marriage and I think he wants to be but can’t fully commit to it. Either way, it’s normal to feel resentment because it can emotionally wear on you when he sends you mixed signals like going ring shopping but then says he feels pressured. I think the important thing is to have a conversation where you honestly ask him if he will be ready in the near future? If he can’t tell you or is envisioning a different future than you are, then I think you owe it to yourself to move on. 

  • This reply was modified 6 years ago by pcl88.
Post # 6
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t know why some men are like this and prior bad relationships are not a valid excuse. Given that he promised an engagement shortly after you moved in, I would not let him control the conversation by freaking out. He owes you an explanation for his change of heart. I don’t think you’re going to be able to just move past the resentment. The resentment is there because you’ve been wronged. 

Post # 7
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I went through something similar and it was really difficult for me so I know how you feel. Whenever I brought up the marriage talk (once every few months for literally YEARS) he would nervously laugh and change the subject. I couldn’t get him to say a thing and it was getting really old and causing resentment. The last time I brought it up, I asked “what is the reason why we’re not engaged/married yet?”. I needed something concrete. He actually opened up and said he was afraid that things would change. Every time one of our friends got married, they bought a house and started popping out babies. We travel around the country for his job (I can work anywhere) and rent. We’re both really happy doing this and it’s been fun to experience living in different parts of the country. He was worried that after we got married some kind of switch would flip and I’d want to settle down somewhere, buy a house and pop out babies. I reassured him that I am happy with our life now and I don’t want anything to change and I want to continue traveling. I also reminded him I don’t want kids! I just wanted to be married to him. A week later he surprised me by driving me to a jeweler and told me to pick out my ering. He proposed as soon as the ring was ready.

Back to you…something is holding your SO back from taking the plunge. It could be something you never even considered (like my FI’s fear) and could be something you can easily talk through and get on the same page, but he needs to tell you what it is. It’s not fair to you for him to keep stringing you along, especially since he knows you want marriage and kids.

Post # 8
126 posts
Blushing bee

You and I have very similar stories. I moved in with my now DH with the understanding that moving in together meant we were getting married, even though I was crossing a line I set for myself. Two years later we weren’t engaged and I regretted not setting a more specific timeline from the day we moved in. It was always very clear to him that if we weren’t getting married, we were breaking up.

He had the same excuses about bad relationships and a family of divorce. Eventually I just said “we have been living together for two years, welcome to our life. This is what it will look like tomorrow and the next day, etc. If this is not what you are looking for, please just tell me now so I can move on. I have always been honest about my needs.” Don’t take that excuse for very long, you have proven yourself and he can’t hold other people’s actions against you forever.

It was a rough patch in our relationship, he was moving slowly and I felt like he had led me on. I was kicking myself for moving in without being engaged. Our landlord wanted a new lease signed a little while later. I was only listed as a tenant on our initial lease, but didn’t actually sign it (my choice so I could leave if I needed to). I didn’t sign the new lease either, because we weren’t engaged. He was shocked that I really didn’t sign, and I think for the first time realized how serious I was about marriage, and then he knew that I really would walk away. He started building a ring immediately and three months later we were engaged.

When I was in your position I wasn’t very happy either, and I don’t think you are out of line to be hesitant to just go with the flow. You deserve to know what the plan is after living together with the understanding you would get married. At this point you do not need to wait around for him to figure it out and feel badly about being frustrated after you made significant sacrifices to move in with him.

Post # 9
2747 posts
Sugar bee

You told him you wanted to be engaged before moving in, but you did anyway.  He knows how important it is to you, but he won’t make the commitment.

In all honesty, I’d move on. No-one wants to be disrespected. If he wanted to marry you, you’d have a ring on your finger and you would BOTH be making weddig plans.

Good luck, Bee.

  • This reply was modified 6 years ago by MissClaudiaCaswell. Reason: edited because spelling matters, dammit!
Post # 10
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You are asking the wrong question.  You’re asking what YOU can do to “get past resentment” when in reality you should be asking this: “why did my boyfriend not uphold his side of the bargain when I moved to be with him?”

He broke a promise.  That is significant.  And yet he can’t handle a timeline talk????  Despite everything you have given up to be with him??  Ummmm…ok.  This is the behavior of a man child.  I am a FIRM believer that if a guy wants to marry you, he will find a way to do so.  You’re not getting that from this guy.  It has been a year since you decided to move.  A YEAR.  Yet he still can’t figure out what he wants out of this relationship.  Frankly he has had more than enough time.  If you two were younger I may say bide your time, but at 28 and 30…you typically KNOW what you want out of a relationship at that point in your life.  If he can’t even discuss it with you, I have very little hope in this I’m sorry to say.

It is time for him to get over himself and TALK to you about your relationship’s future.  I don’t care if he feels “pressured”.  He’s not some delicate flower who needs to be handled with care.  Be frank and honest about it.  You DID move with the assumption that marriage was in the future…and he dropped the ball.  He broke a pretty substantial promise, all because a relationship he had in the past with the girl he lived with didn’t work out.  Frankly that is pretty shitty of him to expect that you stay around until he figures out his life.  You deserve more than that.

I typically show posts like this to my husband to get his take.  He is one who brought up engagement and not even a month later he had proposed.  For what it’s worth I showed him this and he said “he won’t ever propose”.

Post # 13
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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everythingpink:  I suggest you talk to him about how you are really feeling.  All that resentment you feel because of all the sacrifices you have done for him.  Tell him that you are not trying to pressure him but that you need to know where this is going.  My DH and I had many problems for the same reason.  He felt I was pressuring him when in reality all I wanted was to know were the relationship was going.  After a nice long talk and after working through it for a couple of months our relationship improved.  A year and a half later he proposed.  Things will not work between you two if you don’t communicate with him.  Good luck!

Post # 14
1416 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

A guy is going to treat you the way you allow him to. Hes not treating you bad or anything but you want something completely different than what he wants. 

If it was that important to you, to be engaged before living with someone, you should had waited. Your terms were not clear. Being engaged “soon” can mean within 6 months to you, but within 2 years for him. 

Neither of you are wrong with what you want. But he obviously has more reservations about marriage. It’s simple… You either wait some more or you don’t. 

Now if you’re feelings truly have changed towards him, definitely move on. If you’re not crazy in love with him and instead now feel disappointment every time you look at him, that’s not fair. He didn’t do anything wrong! So definitely move on. But if it’s just your way of throwing a fit because you’re mad and upset he hasn’t asked, I can promise you there’s no way he’s going to come around like that and you are pushing him away.

I waited too. I also had reservations of moving in but not because I wanted to get married. But I’m so glad we did now and we are crazy in love. My ring is at Jewelers now! And while for a while I asked and wanted to know about our future, he wasn’t ready. (spring-summer this year) Then come October he started the process all by himself. 

Im just saying, the environment both of you are living in doesn’t sound relaxed nor happy. Once you get to that place, how does that inspire either of you to move towards marriage? 

Post # 15
2125 posts
Buzzing bee

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everythingpink:  It’s great that you’ve had a heart-to-heart now. You mentioned setting a walk-date and not telling him, and while I usually agree with that advice, I’m not sure it’s the best idea here. You didn’t set a more specific timeline with him when you moved in, and you’re not setting a very specific timeline with him now. There will always be relationship issues to work on – forever. No relationship is perfect. You could be expecting that these issues will be worked out within the next couple of months and he could be thinking that it’ll take another few years to work them out. 

I think you need to talk to him about a specific timeline. For example: I want to get pregnant no later than 33, and I want to be married for at least a year before I get pregnant. That means I need to be married by 32. If we set the wedding date a year out from the engagement, I’ll need to be engaged within a few months of turning 31. My birthday is in July. I’m not saying you need to propose by my birthday specifically or I’ll leave, but I am telling you that if it hasn’t happened by the Fall, I won’t be able to stay in this relationship any longer. 

It’s not an ultimatum – it’s letting him know that your life plan doesn’t involve waiting more than another year to be engaged. I think that’s totally fair. It allows you to set an internal walk-date, and allows him time to put on his big boy pants and grow up.

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