- 4 years ago
Hello waiting bees!
First off I want to say how grateful I am to have found this site and know that I am not alone in the “waiting” game. I have been a lurker for weeks.
So my question for fellow waiting bees is how can you get past feelings of resentment towards your SO while waiting for a proposal?
So this is my background story. I started dating my SO back in 2012 and we have a long distance relationship for over 2 years. Our cities were about 2 hours apart so we alternated weekends. This worked out great. My boyfriend asked me to move to his city since he has a house there, great job, etc. I was hesitant because I am very close with my family and at the time lived only a few miles from both of my sisters and my parents and saw them every day. I wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea of living with a boyfriend without being engaged first. (plus I come from a very religious family) My bf told me it was very important that we live together first since he had a horrible experience living with a previous girlfriend. I made it very clear to him that marriage was important to me and that I wanted a family. I was in my late twenties and he is 2 years younger than me. Thinking we were on the same page, I agreed to request for a transfer at my job if he understood that when I moved I was expecting us to be married in the near future. We didn’t set a timeline (which I am beginning to think was my mistake).
So about a year ago, I was finally approved for my transfer. Before I moved we even went ring shopping which gave me a lot of assurance. I moved in January of this year. The first few months were a huge transition for the both of us but I think we made it through. My 30th birthday was in July and we went on a trip to St. Thomas. Everyone, including myself, thought this was going to be when he proposed. I tried my very best to not pressure him during the prior months. So on my birthday he takes me to a fancy restaurant and all the waitresses knew who I was as soon as we walked in. I thought for sure this was the moment! Well, it wasn’t. I tried to mask my disappointment for the rest of the trip. A few weeks after our trip I asked him about marriage and how he was feeling. I suggested that we go ring shopping again, which he agreed to. Since he claimed he didn’t know exactly what I wanted. I started to feel excited again, that we were on the same page and were going to go shopping again.
So long story short, my parents asked me what our plans were and if they needed to be prepared to pay for a wedding soon. I really wasn’t sure since we had no established timeframes. Since we had the ring appointment coming up soon, I tried to casually bring it up to him. Asking when he sees us getting married. He basically freaked out and said he feels so pressured and I’m pushing him away. I was in shock. How do we have an appointment to look at rings, but we can’t talk about when we plan to get married? I felt like I was doing too much at that point. Like I was the only person trying to talk about our future. So I cancelled the ring appointment and told him he could book one on his own .I would just stay out of it. He agreed and has not booked anything since. That was August. We are in December now.
Since then things have not been the same. I feel like I made a lot of sacrifices to move away from my family, transfer at my job, etc. So I started feeling very resentful towards him. Like I felt somewhat betrayed. So I tried to just focus on other things so I wouldn’t obsess about marriage and proposals. I deleted my awesome 400+ pin secret wedding Pinterest board lol. I also didn’t mention weddings or anything at all to him. I also signed up for an art class, made new friends, and spent more time away from home. Thinking I was helping the situation, our relationship suffered. My boyfriend complains he feels like I resent him and in turn, our relationship has suffered (such as our sex life ).
I am not sure if things can be repaired at this point. I love my boyfriend to death. I see him as a great husband and father. I wouldn’t have moved if I didn’t. But I also hate that I feel like I have no say in my future. We can’t talk about timelines without him freaking out. He says he does see himself marrying me, but I can’t help but feel doubt. I hate to use the “biological” clock argument lol. But I am 30. I don’t want to pressure him into a marriage.
I am at a loss. I don’t know how to “just enjoy the moment” and the current relationship we have without feeling resentful and frustrated.