(Closed) How to move past feelings of resentment

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
2921 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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Soon2bmrs1:  THIS 

Post # 17
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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everythingpink:  Honestly?  I would leave ASAP.  Your update does not sound promising, at all.  He still needs time and still wants to work on your relationship…but why didn’t he say that when you agreed to move to be with him?  He is misleading you and is giving you false hope.  You need to take charge of this situation and leave.  I doubt he will ever propose.

Post # 18
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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Soon2bmrs1:  I actually disagree.  I mean yeah there has never been a timeline, but at the same time I think his response is super disheartening.  Why didn’t he talk about these things they have to work on BEFORE she moved?  That is incredibly unfair to her.  She moves and leaves her life behind and yet he makes no effort to move the relationship forward whatsoever.  That isnt ok.

Post # 19
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m sorry, but your update sounds like a whole lot of words that translate into no action on his part. And let me tell you, a marriage is a work in progress. You do not go into it in a perfect state and remain that way.There are *always* things to work on. 

Frankly I’d move on. Hope is not a plan. 

Post # 20
Member
7846 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I have to agree with doberman. He gave you a long-winded way of saying that he doesn’t intend to propose anytime soon. Words are cheap, but he gave you his word and then tried to tiptoe out of it. You deserve better, and I doubt this guy is ever going to give you better than a song and dance and no committment. I’d walk sooner rather than later.

Post # 21
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

I don’t have much to add that hasn’t already been said but my favorite mantra of all time is:

“If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.” 

Easier said than done when it comes to matters of the heart, but I think that it would serve you well here.

Post # 25
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think the question is are you willing to put your life on hold to wait for him to be ready for marriage?  You have given up a lot to be with him.  Resentment is not healthy in a relationship…but this is not *your* fault.  I only saw my now husband on weekends for the first year and a half of our relationship until we moved in two months before our wedding.  I understand that “issues” can come up, but it’s not like you’re 20 years old and don’t know what you are looking for in a life partner.  If this relationship was meant to last, these “issues”, whatever they are, would be something you could work out together.  My husband and I have our own little issues, sure, but we agree to work through them together and to always choose to be there for each other.

Basically I feel like he is biding time by saying he wants to work out these “issues” and you are giving him a free pass and making excuses for him and why he keeps on pushing this back over and over and over again.  Meanwhile he isn’t willing to talk to you about it.  Honestly that’s the biggest issue.  If he was looking at spending forever with you he would feel comfortable talking about a timeline with you.  I know it’s hard and I know you have given up a lot to be with him and I know you love him…but when do you say enough is enough?

ETA: If he wants to work out every little wrinkle and every little thing in your relationship, he will be waiting forever.  Marriage is a leap of faith in so many ways.  No marriage is perfect.  Every couple has their little snags here and there.  It’s more about a choice…deciding that despite everything that life throws at you, you will choose to be together and you will choose to work things out.  I think his view on what marriage means is skewed if he’s waiting for every little thing in your relationship to be worked out…

Post # 27
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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everythingpink:  You’re welcome.  I know it’s hard.  I know you are feeling really torn right now.  I know this is cold comfort, but if you two are not on the same page it is better to find that out now versus in two or three more years.  Feel free to message me if you need to talk one-on-one.

Post # 28
Member
10485 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

 

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everythingpink:  

No,  he is not a bad person , you are right  and I don’t doubt he loves you either . But ready for marriage he is not , nor does he sounds as if he will be soon . I think this

”  I feel like I have no say in my future” , allied to resenting   ( quite reasonably ) having upheaved your life for him – and on  a misleading premise  too –  is the core of the issue.

Your update after having a talk to him is not at all promising,    as pp’s  have said .  Just more words and suggestions that the relationships is flawed and needs fixing . Do you think this is so btw?  This is not in any way a prelude to a proposal, and I think you are pretty well aware of this .

The difficult part starts now of course , when ( I hope ) you tell him that this is not what was planned  and not what you want ,and  despite the  love you bear him you are moving on .Sometimes love is just not enough.  

Wish you very well OP.

 

Post # 30
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee

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everythingpink:  I’m really glad to hear your update. That’s fantastic that he’s finally given you a solid timeline, and that you’ve accepted that it’s time to leave if that timeline isn’t met. I have my own opinions of what I think will PROBABLY happen, but I’m glad that you feel like you’re now on the same page as your SO and that you have some peace about the whole situation.

As others have said, actions speak louder than words. I’m glad that he’s given you the words you need to hear. Let’s see what he does with his actions.

Good luck, OP. Please come back and update us in a few months!

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