(Closed) How to move past feelings of resentment

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
21 posts
Newbee

everythingpink:  

 

I am in a similar situation. I am moving in with my boyfriend in two weeks. I told him that it is a big deal to me that I am moving in without a ring or clear plans for engagement. I made it clear to him to that I do not want to be living with someone for an extended period of time without an engagement. I have to trust him so.We shall see what happens. I have a date in my headwhere I made a deal with myself to walk away if I dont have a ring…and it is six months from now.

 

Bottomline if he is not holding up his end of the bargin that is a problem and it is cause for concern. Have a date in your head when you are prepared to walk away. I hope everythign works out!!

Post # 32
Member
5860 posts
Bee Keeper

Of course you feel resentful, you transfered jobs to be with him, you moved away from your home, your family & your friends to be with him, with the understanding that your relationship was progressing toward engagement, marriage & children. Then, as soon as you’ve sacrificed for him, suddenly it’s too much pressure on him if you bring up what you thought was a mutual future you were building? Sorry he’s so fragile that he cracks under the strain of an honest conversation, but it’s your future too and no topic should be taboo between a couple. 

As for the issues the two of you are having since you’ve moved in together- are these huge issues or run of the mill transitional issues? If the issues are major & you’ve discovered ‘red flags’ since living together that weren’t evident in a LDR (like you’re screaming at each other all the time, one of you drinks excessively, is irrationally jealous etc) then maybe your bf is right and you need to work things out/ figure things out before getting engaged. But if we’re talking about everyday type learning-to-live-in-each-others’-space type issues, then I’m sorry but it sounds like he’s making excuses. Worse, he’s trying to make you at least partially at fault for not keeping his promise. It’s hard to know which scenario is the case without the details, but you should be able to tell which category you guys fall into. 

Post # 36
Member
5860 posts
Bee Keeper

everythingpink:  If he says he’s planning to propose within 4-6 months, that’s reasonable IMO- as long as you can trust him to stick to this and not find other reasons to wait longer once 6 months has passed. lol you will always have things to work on in your relationship- as one of the PP here said it’s a work in progress. So long as none of these issues is a huge red flag waving deal breaker, it’s possible to work on your relationship while still moving forward. 

Post # 37
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

I am in somewhat of the same situation…. you are not alone. I’m 25 and he’s 28. I moved 1000 miles away to be with him after long distance without being engaged after many talks that I THOUGHT had us on the same page in terms of being engaged not long after moving in together. Just like you, I regret not setting a more specific timeline before moving or wonder if I should’ve just demanded we be engaged before I even moved. But like you, I suspect, I felt he understood, I didn’t want to pressure him by giving him a date, and TRUSTED that he’d work it out on his own in good time without me having to badger him since I made myself clear prior to moving and he stated his understanding.

 

Here we are 7 months later and if there were a sign of engagement soon it’d be okay but I don’t see it moving that way as quickly as I’d like. Like your guy, mine also can’t hold a CALM convo regarding marriage without freaking out, having fights, or saying I’m pressuring him. 

He does want to marry me as it sounds like your guy does too…but we can’t believe words, we need action. I too suffer from dealing with frustration and resentment and it’s justified. We were let down. The sad part is we can’t even calmly and maturely talk about it with them which is their problem. 

 

My advice? This is what I’m doing and I reccomend the same. Focus on YOU, do more things for yourself and your life …your interests, career, friends, etc. When you put the focus bsck on yourself so will he. Reminds him of the girl he fell for in the first place. Set a time line in your head that he doesn’t have to know. Hush up during that time period about marriage and enjoy the relationship. When that time is up, and it hasn’t happened yet, revisit the subject again in which ever way is appropriate for you at this time. That could mean leaving him altogether, moving out until you’re engaged but staying in a relationship with him, or simply talking to him again and compromising on a timeline. 

 

We shouldn’t have put ourselves in this situation to begin with as I’m sure we both learned…it could have been avoided by not living together first. BUT, we just trusted our men, right? We gotta work with where we are at. I know that even as I focus on me and hush up for the time being, I still feel sad at times and want to cry when I think of how I packed up and came here and he can’t even hold an adult convo with me about engagement. But then most days we are happy and I love him and see how much he loves me and am just gonna see if I can open his eyes by showing him I’ve got my own life and don’t need him.

 

Some guys just need a push. I mean, in this day and age guys tske longer to grow up sadly. Those of you who have men who have it fully together to begin with ….kudos to you!

 

Post # 38
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

Also, my man also has told me the whole “things we need to work on” … and like other bees have said, you’ll always need to work on things. That’s no reason not to get married. They need to see this. And if your relationship is anything like mine …the main source of any issues is the fact that we’re NOT married!! Haha it’s funny actually … he asks how will any of this resolve and get better just because we are married? Well … because we’d be married and that’s the whole reason I’m upset. Haha. It’s a circle. Any other “issues” we have are not a big deal and are typical things that any couple deals with and certainly aren’t enough to prevent marriage.

Post # 39
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

Sorry just read the updates! Haha. So he gave you a timeline you’re ok with ….cool!! I’d Def say that if he doesn’t do it by the 6 month mark you walk altogether. Hoping he will!!! Sucks you have to suss a timeline out of a man sometimes but you’re not the only one to have to do so.

Post # 40
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee

everythingpink:  Your relationship is moving forward, so don’t go down that negative path. Allow him the time, and just prepare yourself for either outcome. I had the same concern as you, and I talked to Darling Husband about it at the time. His response was that the bottom line is that he will propose because he wants to, I couldn’t make him.

If you are sure this is the guy you want to spend your life with, please don’t cloud your progress with doubt. Darling Husband and I are very happily married and we went through a similar experience (obvs,  no relationship is perfect).

Post # 41
Member
8584 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

 

everythingpink:  

No,  you are quite right , absolutely you don’t  want to feel he  proposed under pressure That would  be humilating, I agree . Nor  must  you be made  to  feel guilty for wanting your joint lives to move on. .  

 I still feel anxious for you about

. “He explained that I need to trust him and that he plans to propose soon, but it pushes him away everytime I bring it up and we fight about it.”

If he says he want to propose  in 4-6 months , then I wonder why not now ? I mean it is not very long , I can’t believe he intends/thinks he is going to  undergo any radical change in such a short time. I fear for it being a shut-you-up measure, so be strong when it comes to deadlines. OR  give up the idea of being  engaged and  married and go on anyway. With him or without  him  as the case may be.  His loss if it’s without him .

 

 

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