Post # 1
my old college roommate and i were very close all throughout school. however, i don’t want her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man… i started dating my Fiance during college and she gave me nothing but hard times about the relationship from the start. she instantly disliked him (for no reason, i’ve asked many times) and always made a huge fuss when i went to visit him (we lived 2 hours apart). she never let him come visit me there without it being a huge ordeal, so i ended up leaving every other weekend to see him. her unfounded dislike of him over the next 3 years put a huge strain on my relationship with her AND with my Fiance. finally, we ended up just ignoring the subject of his existence all together and lived in relative peace until graduation.
we’ve stayed in contact since graduating and i’d still consider her a close friend. we honestly get along swimmingly……as long as we continue to ignore her hatred of my Fiance (which we have been managing to do for 3 years now!). but i know she is expecting to be a BM! on one hand, i understand why she expects it. on the other hand, i’m completely shocked that she thinks she should stand up there and support my marriage to a man she and i both know dislikes so much.
we haven’t finalized our picks for the Bridal Party yet, but it’s looking like he will have at least one more attendant than i will, even if i do end up including her. it will be extreeeemely obvious that she is being left out if i don’t unclude her. despite all the drama, i don’t want to lose her friendship. but i know she’ll be extremely hurt to be left out.
i just don’t know how to handle it tactfully… leave her out and let her find out on her own? leave her out and tell her why? tick off my Fiance and begrudgingly include her? helllllllp!
Post # 3
Those you pick to stand up with you should be supportive of your relationship – no exceptions.
If she asks why you didn’t pick her, focus on why you picked those you did – “Susy, Jane and Elaine have always been so supportive of my and FI’s relationship, so I knew they would be happy to stand up in support of our marriage.” and let her figure out that her own bad attitude caused her to get left out. Honestly if she’s so antagonistic against your soon to be husband, how long can the friendship survive? Kind of pessimistic, maybe… guess I’m in a bad mood since I sprained my ankle yesterday, haha
Post # 4
@daydreamwander: I completely agree. I would not have been friends with her much longer because I don’t like negativity (especially since he hadn’t did anything to deserve it).
If she asks why you didn’t pick her, just be honest (she didn’t have a problem being honest about her feelings about your FH).
P.S.: Welcome to Weddingbee!
Post # 5
shes still not supportive even though yall are engaged now? if shes not supportive AT ALL i dont know how she could expect to stand up with you. however, if you got engaged and she started toning down her hatred, then i might reconsider (because shes making an effort) but otherwise, i doubt shes thinking she will be a Bridesmaid or Best Man as much as you think she is.
Post # 6
I had several close friends who are not in my bridal party. I just told them I was having a small wedding, it was nothing personal (the truth in this case)
Post # 7
I wouldn’t have her standing up there. You do NOT need that tension while you’re trying to enjoy your special day. If you want to invite her to the wedding, that’s up to you.
Post # 8
I am not having my sister as a Bridesmaid or Best Man mainly because of that reason. She never supported our relationship because of FI’s race. Even after we announced our engagement she tried to hook me up with some guy… how disrespectful? I am sure she is expecting since she is my only sister that I will make her a Bridesmaid or Best Man but I haven’t broached the subject with her because it is a none issue with me.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t choose her either. I’m sure she will be hurt and it will possibly harm the friendship, either temporarily or permanently. I was once hurt to be excluded from a bridal party, I should have spoken up right away but instead I bottled it all up, exploded in a horrible email, and my friend stopped speaking to me completely – I wasn’t even invited, in the end. I wish that either I’d asked her right away, or she had said something like “I would have loved to have you, but I just couldn’t have everyone I wanted, but I hope you will still come dress shopping/help choose my shoes/burn up the dance floor with me”. Either of those would have prevented it. You know your friend best and you will know the best way to approach it, if you want to stay friends with her.
Post # 10
You don’t need to have her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man and she really doesn’t need much of an explanation. She doesn’t like him, she doesn’t approve. Done deal.
But, I know you need to address it, so I would just be totally honest. There is nothing wrong with honesty. She’s never been supportive of the relationship. It would just be very stressful for you to include her with the negative energy she would probably have. If she’s hurt…… she brought it on herself.
Post # 11
I would be honest with her and let her know that her attitude towards him from the beginning is the reason why she wasn’t selected because the bridal party should be people who truly support the marriage and clearly she hasn’t demonstrated that she does. I wouldn’t worry about hurting her feelings though, because she obviously didn’t stop acting the way she did to avoid hurting yours all these years. You can tell her that you do value her friendship, just that you felt it wouldn’t be appropriate to have her standing up there with you when you know how she feels about the relationship. Hopefully she will be understanding and realize that it was her fault that this situation had to come up.
Post # 12
i would first off tell her that you appreciate her friendship. tell her that you need alot of support around you on the most important day of your life and the support needs not to be only for you but for your marraige. then say as much as you would love her her to be there that it would feel wrong to involve her in something she doesn’t support. i’m at the opposite side of this i’m afraid! my best friend is with a man that i really disaprove of( however i have been very clear about these reasons all along and feel they are valid ones!) for some reason i always presumed i would be Bridesmaid or Best Man at her wedding. if she asks me to be i will for one day pretend i think he’s the greatest guy in the world, but if i’m not asked i will understand completely
Post # 13
Thanks for the advice, everyone! She and I live about 3 hours away right now, so it’s been pretty easy for us to ignore her dislike of him since we graduated. After we got engaged, she has tried to change her tune a little. She’ll ask about him when we chat and that sort of thing. But we both know the things she’s said in the past… and she’s never said anything to make me believe she feels any differently about him or our relationship.
You’ve given me much to think about. Thanks!
Post # 14
Since she lives so far away, you could rely on that as a reason for choosing the other BMs. She probably won’t ask why she isn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I think she’d know. If she brings it up, why not take the opportunity to clear the air (but don’t make her a BM).