(Closed) How to not nag…?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Um I’m signing on for this as well… I haven’t quite figured it out either… well except when I ask in between doing certain kinky things (grin grin) he agrees to EVERYTHING i ask for then…

Post # 4
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

lol you girlies are funny. I usually ask Fiance “Do you mind helping me with ______, I’m trying to get _____ done and I really need your help, I will love you more than yesterday!” lol I am really fortunate though because both Fiance and I are very assertive so we can usually just say things straightforward. 

Post # 5
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I feel myself entering the ‘nag zone’ every now and then and try to keep it in check with a couple things – keeping the tone of my voice as normal as possible – not raised or whiny; telling him exactly what is bothering me without accusing him or blaming him for whatever’s bothering me.  I have had to learn that I can’t expect him to know what’s going on unless I tell him – as obvious as I might think things are, he doesn’t pick up on everything.  One thing that works in my favor is that Fiance is extremely patient with me…hope that continues…

I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination but these are things I try to keep in mind when I am tempted to flip out…or nag… 

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

i try to be patient with him. i ask him to help with something, and if he doesn’t do it right away, it’s not the end of the world (usually).

Post # 7
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Can you give an example of the type of thing you ask him to do and he says you’re nagging?  How specifically do you ask?

Post # 9
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Sounds like he was just uber nervous about cutting his furniece/nephew’s nails…

Post # 10
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Doesn’t sound like you were nagging him – you were just trying to advise him…  I guess it’s pretty tricky…

Post # 11
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Sometimes it’s not what you say, but how you say it.  There can be so much embedded in the unsaid body language, tone and facial expression.  Some people do really well with lists.  Maybe you guys can come up with to do lists (for both of you) and encourage each other to cross items off?

Post # 12
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010 - Philippe Park

@ JoJo

This is what I have to do with Mr. Rainbow. I swear when I ask him to do something it going in one ear and out the other. It’s ridiculous. I’ve resorted to making him a list so he literally has his “to dos” staring him (and I) in the face. It’s worked out pretty well thus far.

Post # 13
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@rainbow

Yes, I think the to do lists work really well.  I think it’s important for both people to have their own lists so it doesn’t seem one-sided.  For the competitive people it creates a little bit of a contest to see who can get their stuff done first!

Post # 14
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I find it helps to set really clear expectations from the start; not sure how that would’ve helped with the guinea pig (maybe before starting saying “front nails should be x length and rear y length” ?) because at least for J, once he gets into something, he gets on a really one track mindset. Also, he tends to be a really logical thinker, so time frames and stuff help.

When I ask him to do stuff, it’s gotta be really straight forward: “Can you take the trash out at least half an hour before company gets here?” versus “The trash needs to be taken out” if that makes sense.

Post # 15
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Guys think that you are nagging when you tell them to do something, instead of asking them to do it. Also, they think you are nagging when you tell them how or take over to show them how to do something. We try to help them, but they don’t see it that way. They see that a us having a lack of confidence in their abilities.

If he didn’t know how to clip the nails he should have let you know. Something for you in the future, try asking him if he has ever done “whatever” before, and if he has and you want him to do it, give him carte blanche; walk away for awhile, if you have to. You can always ask if he needs your help, if you see him struggling. If he says no, just say okay just let me know if you change your mind and if he says yes, then help him the best way you can. Remember to walk away without giving advice, sighing, etc., if how he is doing something bothers you.

Another good tip is to listen to his guy friends and learn how they get your guy to do stuff for them. Guys have a different way of asking things, but they do things for each other right away.

I had a problem with so-called nagging. I didn’t think I was, but that is how it was coming across, so I tried the things that I listed above and they work well for me. I have also asked my guy to let me know nicely if he thinks I am nagging, so I know right away and he asked me to do the same for him.

He also likes it when I give him a honey do list, so he can check off each thing as he gets it done. The list helps us both because he feels like he is accomplishing something and I can check the list; inconspicuously of course, to see how far he has gotten without having to “nag” him. Some guys do not like lists, so before giving hime one, ask him if he would appreciate a list. You could even make your self a list and then see who can complete the list first with a prize of the winners choosing at the end.

Remember guys have a different way of doing things, so what you ask him to do may not be done exactly as you would have done it yourself or in the time that you would have gotten it done, but eventually it will get done. If he doesn’t do something to your exact specifications, don’t get on him about it, just grow to love the way he does it, even though it may drive you crazy or when he isn’t around, fix it the way you would like it to be. Try to be patient. It will all work out in the end.

These things seem to be working for us. We rareley argue about anything anymore and we have been together for 9 1/2 years. Long story, but when we first got together, I wanted to get married and he didn’t, then he wanted to get married and I didn’t, and now we both do.

Post # 16
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

There is a fantastic book on how to use animal training tricks to avoid nagging your partner… it’s based on this article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html

Highly recommended!!!  I’m a much better husband for having read it.  When you get down to it, the book basically just says always be nice to your spouse and they will be much nicer to you than you could possibly imagine.

A side note: I’ve learned that when I ask someone to do something, then it’s not fun if I then watch them and offer feedback as they do it.  If a situation is going to go down like that, I’m much better off just doing it myself.

Animal training is all about positive reinforcement for behavior you’d like to see more of!  It’s really a life changing paradigm for how to approach relationships…

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