Post # 1
I am going to be engaged very soon, and have started pre-emptive brainstorming. One sticky issue is bridesmaid selection. I have three longtime friends from back in my school days that are like sisters to me, and one more from that time period that I am not as close with but who is definitely “in the group.” These friends are scattered around the country. Locally I have two friends of a few years- one I have drifted apart from, and one I was never that close with to begin with. I also have four other local newer friends, two of which I am close with, and two not so much. Additionally my soon to be fiance has a sister. I worry that if I don’t invite all of these women to be bridesmaids that it would become an issue, although I would like to only invite 5 of them (the three old close friends, one close local friend, and his sister). For those keeping count that leaves 6 women I don’t feel the need to have be bridesmaids but feel somewhat obligated. It feels like ranking my friends, and it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But if I just ask all of them to avoid awkwardness then I would have 11 bridesmaids- pretty much every female friend I have. That is absurd. I already think 5 is too many. Honestly I would prefer not to have bridesmaids at all like a friend of mine did recently, but I know the soon to be fiance wants groomsmen and a big traditional wedding party.
Help! Did any of you bees struggle with not wanting to ask certain people to be bridesmaids, but feeling obligated to do so? How did you handle it? Did those women later confront you with hurt feelings? Did you have guilty feelings of your own?
Post # 2
Why would you feel obligated to ask someone you describe this way to be a bridesmaid?
Locally I have two friends of a few years- one I have drifted apart from, and one I was never that close with to begin with.
one more from that time period that I am not as close with
Your bridal party should be the people who are closest to you, not just acquaintances. Don’t be so afraid of hurting the feelings of someone you are not even close to. They are grownups and can handle it.
Post # 3
Go with your gut and have the 6 you feel most strongly about. If the others are put off or somehow offended, then they probably aren’t that great of friends, to be honest. I had my sister, SIL, and then my closest friend who has seen me through the most important parts of my life thus far. I have other dear friends, but they either had a different role or were glad to just be guests and enjoy themselves. I think MOST people should understand that you have to draw the line somewhere.
Post # 4
You don’t have to have anyone you don’t want %100 with you. If somone gets that upset, that’s on them.
I was almost not in my best friends wedding. that was okay. I told her I would be there for her however she needed me.
Post # 5
This stress is just rehearsal for picking a guest list! Haha but seriously.
I was in a really similar situation. I had 3 best girlfriends from high school, a bunch of college friends, my sisters, and the people who didn’t fit neatly into any cateogry but who I still felt like I wanted to ask. What helped me decide was asking myself, “Who has suppported me in my relationship with my fiance?” That made it more logical. No one was offended and all my friends are happily attending the wedding.
Post # 6
We did family and each of our best friends who have been in our lives so long that they are considered family. We almost did no wedding party which I think might have been even better.
I would keep it simple. Ask who you would call in the middle of the night to help you move a dead body. Ask those people and don’t worry about asking anyone else out of obligation. Most people honestly don’t care that much about being asked to be in a wedding and some even prefer to attend as a guest.
Post # 7
I found it was less stressful by choosing social groups over individuals. I am still friends with 4 girls from high school – 3 of whom I would consider very close and the 4th as someone I just have fun with a few times a year. And then I have a group of friends from college – some of whom I consider just as close or closer than my high school friends, others casual. I ended up just going with my high school group since my college group all knew each other and would have fun together as guests, whereas if I chose one or two of them for the bridal party they wouldn’t know the other girls. It may not be the most accurate reflection of who I consider closest, but I’m confident we will have fun together.
Eta: Also, the few close college friends I have that could have understandably expected to be a bridesmaid were completely understanding when I explained the rationale. So there’s no drama at all.
Post # 8
I was in the exact same situation. I ended up narrowing it down to 5 bridesmaids, but unfortunately I did hurt some feelings in the process. I had the same scenario where I had a “group” of 4 girls from high school but I am only close with 3 of them now. I didn’t ask the 4th one to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and I know she feels sad and left out. I feel bad but it was the best decision for me. And in the long run I’m sure it will be fine. Choose whoever is most special to you – if the other girls are petty then just ignore it. It’s YOUR day!
Oh, and I also tried to ease the blow by also inviting the girls who aren’t bridesmaids to the shower and the bachelorette. That way they don’t feel like they’re missing out on any fun events 🙂
Post # 9
You shouldn’t feel obligated to ask people you aren’t close to. Is there a reason you think the friends you aren’t close to will be offended? If you really aren’t close I wouldn’t assume that they are expecting you to ask them, or that they will be particularly offended by the idea of being guests rather than bridesmaids.
Post # 10
I’m in a similar situation, not with as many ladies though. I have 3 ladies from college who promised would be my bridesmaids YEARS ago, before I even got engaged, and one childhood friend. I feel like 4 is more than enough, however I still have a friend who I have grown close with over the past year that I would also love to be a bridesmaid. But if I ask her then I feel that I also have to ask this other mutual friend who is a part of our small group….and from there the list could continue on. I really only want the first 4 ladies that I mentioned, but am struggling with the 5th. I think I’m going to ask her to sing at my wedding and call her a “musicmaid.” So she’ll process in like the bridesmaids but then sit on the other side of the altar and sing/coordinate music. We are all musicians by trade so it somewhat worries me that then the actual bridesmaids would be offended that they weren’t asked to sing? Idk. I’ll still pay #5, but I’m thinking that would be a really nice way to honor her? Very unsure at this point, so I am right with you in the confusion.
Maybe you could think of really meaningful duties for the other ladies that aren’t technically bridesmaids?