(Closed) How to pick and choose bridesmaids from among friends without hurting feelings

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
47421 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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angel2206 :  Why would you feel obligated to ask someone you describe this way to be a bridesmaid?

Locally I have two friends of a few years- one I have drifted apart from, and one I was never that close with to begin with.

one more from that time period that I am not as close with

Your bridal party should be the people who are closest to you, not just acquaintances.  Don’t be so afraid of hurting the feelings of someone you are not even close to. They are grownups and can handle it.

Post # 3
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Go with your gut and have the 6 you feel most strongly about. If the others are put off or somehow offended, then they probably aren’t that great of friends, to be honest. I had my sister, SIL, and then my closest friend who has seen me through the most important parts of my life thus far. I have other dear friends, but they either had a different role or were glad to just be guests and enjoy themselves. I think MOST people should understand that you have to draw the line somewhere.

Post # 4
Member
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

You don’t have to have anyone you don’t want %100 with you. If somone gets that upset, that’s on them. 

I was almost not in my best friends wedding. that was okay. I told her I would be there for her however she needed me. 

Post # 5
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

This stress is just rehearsal for picking a guest list! Haha but seriously. 

I was in a really similar situation. I had 3 best girlfriends from high school, a bunch of college friends, my sisters, and the people who didn’t fit neatly into any cateogry but who I still felt like I wanted to ask. What helped me decide was asking myself, “Who has suppported me in my relationship with my fiance?” That made it more logical. No one was offended and all my friends are happily attending the wedding. 

 

Post # 6
Member
10459 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

We did family and each of our best friends who have been in our lives so long that they are considered family. We almost did no wedding party which I think might have been even better.

I would keep it simple. Ask who you would call in the middle of the night to help you move a dead body. Ask those people and don’t worry about asking anyone else out of obligation. Most people honestly don’t care that much about being asked to be in a wedding and some even prefer to attend as a guest. 

Post # 7
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I found it was less stressful by choosing social groups over individuals. I am still friends with 4 girls from high school – 3 of whom I would consider very close and the 4th as someone I just have fun with a few times a year. And then I have a group of friends from college – some of whom I consider just as close or closer than my high school friends, others casual. I ended up just going with my high school group since my college group all knew each other and would have fun together as guests, whereas if I chose one or two of them for the bridal party they wouldn’t know the other girls. It may not be the most accurate reflection of who I consider closest, but I’m confident we will have fun together.

Eta: Also, the few close college friends I have that could have understandably expected to be a bridesmaid were completely understanding when I explained the rationale. So there’s no drama at all.

Post # 8
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I was in the exact same situation. I ended up narrowing it down to 5 bridesmaids, but unfortunately I did hurt some feelings in the process. I had the same scenario where I had a “group” of 4 girls from high school but I am only close with 3 of them now. I didn’t ask the 4th one to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and I know she feels sad and left out. I feel bad but it was the best decision for me. And in the long run I’m sure it will be fine. Choose whoever is most special to you – if the other girls are petty then just ignore it. It’s YOUR day! 

Oh, and I also tried to ease the blow by also inviting the girls who aren’t bridesmaids to the shower and the bachelorette. That way they don’t feel like they’re missing out on any fun events 🙂 

Post # 9
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You shouldn’t feel obligated to ask people you aren’t close to. Is there a reason you think the friends you aren’t close to will be offended? If you really aren’t close I wouldn’t assume that they are expecting you to ask them, or that they will be particularly offended by the idea of being guests rather than bridesmaids. 

Post # 10
Member
655 posts
Busy bee

I’m in a similar situation, not with as many ladies though. I have 3 ladies from college who promised would be my bridesmaids YEARS ago, before I even got engaged, and one childhood friend. I feel like 4 is more than enough, however I still have a friend who I have grown close with over the past year that I would also love to be a bridesmaid. But if I ask her then I feel that I also have to ask this other mutual friend who is a part of our small group….and from there the list could continue on. I really only want the first 4 ladies that I mentioned, but am struggling with the 5th. I think I’m going to ask her to sing at my wedding and call her a “musicmaid.” So she’ll process in like the bridesmaids but then sit on the other side of the altar and sing/coordinate music. We are all musicians by trade so it somewhat worries me that then the actual bridesmaids would be offended that they weren’t asked to sing? Idk. I’ll still pay #5, but I’m thinking that would be a really nice way to honor her? Very unsure at this point, so I am right with you in the confusion. 

 

Maybe you could think of really meaningful duties for the other ladies that aren’t technically bridesmaids? 

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