(Closed) How to politely answer why we arent engaged?

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
21 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

I experienced the same thing.  My (now fiance) and I have been together for 8 years, living together for the past 5 years and we just got engaged in Feb.   I constanly got asked why we weren’t married and actually after we got engaged even more people that I didn’t realized talked behind my back were saying “wow.we always wondered why you weren’t married”.

Honestly, I always said to people “it’s like we are married anyway.  we just dont’ have a piece of paper to confirm it”.  If you are in a committed relationship and you both are fine with not being married yet, that is all that matters.  People will always find something to comment on anyway.  Once you get married, then next thing will be “when are you going to have children?”

Post # 4
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My fiance and I have been together 15 years and have 2 kids!!! Totally did it backwards! I just always told everyone ” why fix it if its not broken” We get along great and didnt need a piece of paper to prove it! I feel too many people rush into marriage for the wrong reasons. Wait till you are comfortable.. Just politely tell them we will get married when the time is right. Were enjoying each other now and have plenty of time to tie the knot!! gOOD lUCK

Post # 5
2408 posts
Buzzing bee

i’m getting to the point when i just smile and say, “because we’re not.” and leave it at that. maybe not exactly polite but when you get tired of the questions, you get tired of the questions.

Post # 6
4410 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA

I got that a lot before DH asked me to marry him.  We met at work and I went to work at a different office, but everyone at my office knew DH and knew we were living together. Every time there was a holiday, the comments or questions would start.  

And you’re right, it does start to hurt, because you know you’re commited, but you know they don’t really believe it. 

I don’t have any suggestions, other than just saying ‘it will happen when it happens.’  Just trust your relationship and try not to let what others think or say hurt you. I know it’s not easy, but there’s really nothing else you can do. 

Post # 7
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Since we’re both still in college, that was always my excuse – “we’re waiting until we’re done with school!” But since we’re graduating this month, my new one is simply “We are happy and we are in no hurry!” That’s a simple enough explanation, I think! It also doesn’t leave room to ask more questions.

Post # 8
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Just tell them that every time they ask, the engagement clock get’s pushed back another 6 mos–that’s right it’s your fault we aren’t engaged. We’ll get engaged 6 mos after everyone stops caring why we aren’t engaged. 🙂

Post # 9
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

“We’re doing what is best for us.”  How about that for a polite answer?

Sidenote:  My husband and I are Christians and we lived together for 1 year prior to marrying last month.  As we sat in church every Sunday listening to sermons about the subject we felt sooooooooo guilty.  He admits those sermons made him propose and marry me sooner than he probably would have.  He proposed last June and we married in April.  We have friends from our church who felt the same way, got engaged last February and are marrying in October.  Another couple from our church, went to the courthouse and got married because of the guilt they felt from those sermons (they have told only a few key people) and are having their big wedding this July.  I guess my point is that if you are Christians and as you stated, it is starting to hurt you a little bit… maybe that is a sign.  

Post # 10
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m not joking, I started getting these questions/comments after only 1 MONTH of dating my DH. The people who made them weren’t joking either, they were serious. At first, my response was “Well I’d like to get to know him first if that’s alright with you” but after we had been dating for a year and moved in together it changed to “Because he hasn’t asked me yet” or “I don’t know, ask him”. That usually shut (some) people up. But a lot of people just fire more and more quesitons, I honeslty have no idea why people are so concerned with this topic. But I tried to take it as a compliment and be polite even though I wanted to punch everyone who asked.

Post # 11
272 posts
Helper bee

A change from the norm occurred this weekend- instead of questioning me why my SO and I were not yet engaged, my SO’s aunt, mother and granny began questioning why his sister wasn’t engaged. She gave her SO an ultimatum and they were going on and on about it while she was in the next room- I’m certain she must have heard and the things they said were downright rude!  I would not be nearly as pushy if I didn’t have others CONSTANTLY on my case!

Post # 12
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Been getting those questions for years.  While we were both in school, or he was and only I was working, it was easy to answer with, “We’re too young, we’re still in school, he needs to find a job, etc.”

Now in our early 30s it’s a lot harder, and I’ve basically done my best to feign disinterest to save face for both of us – if/when someone learns I really want to be married but am simply waiting for him to get there, too (God, he’s slow), then it becomes a case of he must be the ‘bad’ guy and I’m suddenly a victim, whichof course strains us AND the friendship. I get all sorts of seemingly ‘helpful’ advice about games to play with his head that would really just end up in a break up instead of a marraige, which I can do all on my own, without any help. 

So I pretend not to care, point to the one other unmarried couople in the group as being ‘next’ and even call out the elephant in the room first sometimes, in a joking manner about how I’ll be 80 before I have to “worry about a wedding dress or guest list” so I’m really the lucky one without all the stress, even if some days it feels part of me dies inside in those situations.  Kill it with laughter, and if you beat them to the punch, they rarely have the nerve to ask again (this worked with bullies in grade school, usually).

So it sucks to have to lie just to keep friends and family off our backs – but really for the most part I’m happy, except for this kinda huge thing, but their questions just make me question me and us, and make me feel they are looking at us a broken, instead of being happy for us as as a couple who has made it through 15 pretty rough years together, when others have divorced in less than a year.

I think those perceptions are a big part of why I’ve been feeling so down since everyone else around us ahs moved on to getting married while we’re still … stuck…  I see the unspoken questions, and hear the questions people actually ask (they alawys ask the woman more than the man – O_o).  I really wish he’d get as much flak as I do, maybe it’d unstick his feet from the mud more. 

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