How to politely ask for a date change or decline being in a wedding?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
2525 posts
Sugar bee

Why don’t you celebrate your child’s first birthday over the weekend? She won’t know the difference and it will be easier on any guests you might invite to celebrate over the weekend rather than Friday. 

Post # 4
Member
6165 posts
Bee Keeper

I think that’s a lousy reason not to stand up in a good friend’s wedding. Celebrate the birthday (which will occur every year!) on Saturday or Sunday. Leave early if you must.

Post # 5
Member
4790 posts
Honey bee

Your child won’t know the difference if you celebrate a week before or after.

Post # 6
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

She doesn’t have to agree her wedding date with you, don’t dare ask her to Change the date, it’s incredibly selfish 

Post # 7
Member
2001 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Don’t ask her to change the date. That is NOT appropriate. If you really don’t want to attend or be in the wedding, that is your right, but it sounds like you already accepted. An anniversary or birthday can be celebrated on a different day. 

Post # 8
Member
5166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I don’t think birthdays have to be celebrated on the exact day, particularly for a baby.  If it was on a Friday surely you would have been at work anyway?

I would be pretty disappointed if a friend, who was close enough to be Maid/Matron of Honor, dropped out of the wedding because of a birthday.  A birthday isn’t a one off like a wedding.

Either way I don’t think it is appropriate to ask her to change the date, they have presumably already put down deposits.  They already have so many people they have to please for the date, family, themselves, vendors and to consider budget.  

Post # 9
Member
1625 posts
Bumble bee

She doesn’t have to discuss a wedding date with you – it’s very selfish to be peeved at that. It’s between her, her fiancé and perhaps their parents. That’s it. Do not ask her for a date change, that is beyond inappropriate. 

Either you choose the wedding or your daughter’s birthday, that’s up to you. I would choose the wedding (and yes I have two kids that turned one this year so understand 1st birthdays). 

Post # 10
Member
3293 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Don’t ask her to change the date. 

Can you take the baby with you? Make the weekend into a trip to celebrate her birthday too? 

First birthdays are very emotional for mum (I cried loads on my son’s) but they don’t even know what day of the week it is, let alone that it is their birthday. 

Post # 11
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

There is no polite way to tell your best friend that you think a birthday that your daughter won’t even remember/understand is more important than the date she wants to get married on.

Post # 12
Member
2943 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

You’re joking, right..?

Post # 13
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - UK

You cant ask her to change the wedding date. But seeing your best freinds you can make her aware that it is a complicated date for you. 

For example you can joke with her that her anniversary will be easy to remember for you because its on your daughters birthday and your own anniversary. 

You can also tell her that because of the wedding your thinking of throwing a 1st birthday party the weekend before or after the wedding and you would love her to come. Or that your thinking of asking the grandparents to come along and stay near the wedding so they can take care of the baby during the wedding and you can celibate the birthday the day after as a little weekend holiday. 

 

Post # 14
Member
7553 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

View original reply
eaglebay :  No it is not appropriate to ask. Wedding trumps childs 1st birthday in my opinion. If you can’t make it then you will sadly have to decline. 

I mean seriously?! 

Post # 15
Member
5166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
zias :  What is the intended outcome of OP passive aggressively dropping all those points into conversation though? To make the friend feel bad? To guilt her into changing the date without actually asking? 

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