How to politely ask for a date change or decline being in a wedding?

posted 2 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 136
Member
4092 posts
Honey bee

Most weddings require tremendous planning. I would not ask for a date change. Why don’t you celebrate your kid’s birthday the following weekend after your friend’s wedding?eaglebay :  

Post # 137
Member
633 posts
Busy bee

You couldn’t pay me enough to be away from my kid for the entire weekend of their first birthday. We might not have ‘the party’ on the actual day, and my kid obviously has no idea what day it is, but *I* do, and it’s important to *me* to be with my son on that day.

If the kid was coming with me to the wedding, that would be fine. But if the kid isn’t invited, or it’s not practical to bring the kid because the wedding is destination, that would be a hard pass.

The advice that is given on these boards constantly is for brides to check with their VIPs before setting a date. If you don’t check with someone, you have zero foundation for being pissy they decline. You don’t get to just pick a day and then expect everyone else to be cool with it no matter what.

Post # 139
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

My parents flew in from out of state and we decorated the house and had a lovely cake, present and a small family get together with my sibling and their kids. It was at home because, being a year old the “party” wrapped at her 6 pm bedtime lol. We had dinner afterwards and i took loads of pictures.

it doesn’t matter to the one year old but it was certainly a huge thing for me and husband. And my parents. I’m so glad I marked it in a way that was comfortable for her and we had pictures that we enjoy looking at now that she’s older. 

Post # 141
Member
19 posts
Newbee

As a Bride-To-Be, I had my (ex)Maid of Honor ask me to change my wedding date about 5 days after asking her to be my Maid of Honor. She has a schedule conflict which I get but to have the gull to ask me to move it just blew my mind. My date was decided based on the venue’s availablity and the month I wanted. We put a deposit down which we don’t get back if we change dates. I understand why she thought it was okay to ask but I was hurt regardless. The fact that I had to explain to her WHY I couldn’t just move it a day makes me shake my head even now months after. She is no longer a member of my wedding party but not because I was so upset I kicked her out, she just isn’t able to be involved due to her schedule. I politey told her(months after her asking me to move dates) that I didn’t think she should be in my wedding anymore and I hoped she wasn’t mad at me. She understood and we are still friends. If you decide you can’t be in the wedding tell her soon. I have a feeling my ex Maid of Honor would have waited until really close to the wedding to back out of the party because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. 

Post # 141
Member
771 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry people are being so harsh bee! I’m with you! I could skip the anniversary but I personally wouldn’t want to be away from my baby (for a whole weekend!!) on her first birthday. When my baby turned one she didn’t know it but we stayed home and had a day of fun as a family. It’s important to us to start those traditions now. 

Post # 142
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

If the child was older I’d understand, but at that age a 1st birthday party is more for the parents than the child. I’d celebrate the weekend before or after. You’d have the memories and pictures of both your best friends wedding and your child’s birthday to look back on and the child won’t even know the difference. I do understand the initial frustration though, especially if she’s close enough to know your special days before hand and still chose it for her too. 

Post # 143
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

If she’s your friend she would understand that the date is just unrealistic in your life. You cannot ask her to change it though. You would have to decline attending. My anniversary I would skip but I don’t think I could skip my child’s first birthday. Not everyone is going to agree with that but you have to do what’s best for you. eaglebay :  

Post # 144
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

100% I feel like everyone saying just skip the birthday do not have kids. Sephiroth :  

Post # 145
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

mama2bee71 :  I disagree. I know people for whom birthdays are extremely important and others, including myself, for whom even their own birthday has never been a big deal. I have almost NEVER celebrated my birthday on the actual day, even as a child, because the date is always inconvenient and clashes with another common festival. No big deal for me to celebrate the week before or after. My sibling has kids and feels the same as me.

Really up to the individual to decide what they’re comfortable with, but either way I don’t think it’s OK to ask for a wedding date change in this circumstance. 

Post # 146
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

eaglebay :  I would absolutely not miss my child’s first birthday so I agree with you that the wedding wouldn’t work for me. BUT I wouldn’t ask her to change the date, I would just regretfully decline and explain why.

 

Edited to add: You are not selfish or crazy for feeling like this. I am so shocked by so many rude responses! How could you not want to spend that day with your child!?!? Just look at all the thumbs ups on the comments agreeing what a special day it is, so many people feel the same way and wanting to be with your child is valid =)

Post # 147
Member
4058 posts
Honey bee

mama2bee71 :  Skip the birthday. Or have it on another day.

I have two kids and I think that the fact that this is even an issue is asinine, and part of the cult of self that is so prevalent these days.

Post # 148
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

 

I don’t disagree, she should not ask to have the date move she should decline. However if it was me, I’d probably chose my daughters birthday. Until you’re truely in the situation, what you say and what you do could be different. I believe I would chose my daughter and I don’t feel as that is wrong. That’s my choice. secondtimer18 :  

sunburn :  everyone is entitled to their opinion. Not everyone will see eye to eye on this with the exception of not asking to move the date. She should not do that because it is rude. She either attends or she doesn’t. What she will chose, what I think I would chose and what you may chose can all be different. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong. 

Post # 149
Member
1999 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

i dont know, ive been married and have been in a few weddings and was never asked for permission on which date as a bridesmaid would be best, nor did I do it for my own wedding. Typically if anything you think about the month you plan on getting married, and most people in the party i would think could give a general yes or no if they could attend. 

furthermore, if this bride doesnt already have kids, shes not going to even remotely understand or care why a first bithday/anniversary is super important. Nor should she.

i would just pull out. 

Post # 150
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

eaglebay :  Just have your kid’s birthday party AT the wedding. Have the opening of presents when the Bride and Groom are saying their vows. Win, win!

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