How to politely ask for a date change or decline being in a wedding?

posted 2 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
1689 posts
Bumble bee

zias :  This all just sounds very passive aggressive.

edit: I see several others have already posted this opinion, and you’ve addressed it. I still think the ways you suggested, especially the first one, are passive aggressive. If the OP wants to decline, she should just be upfront and say she can’t attend because of her LOs first bday and her anniversary.

Post # 32
5722 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

thunderbee : Your daughter will be turning 1, but the wedding is a year out? Is the kid even born yet?

I was confused about that too! 

Post # 33
1582 posts
Bumble bee

I would just bring the baby with me and then have the official party later that weekend.

Post # 35
1294 posts
Bumble bee

I’m gonna answer the actual question. You cannot ask her to change the date. You will have to let her know that the day does not work for you and therefore cannot attend. When she asks why, you can share that it is due to your family celebrating your child’s birthday. There will probably be consequences since  it many will think that is a good excuse.

Post # 36
3450 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

She does not have to approve her wedding date with you. If the date doesn’t work for you, tell her you’re sorry but you can’t be in the wedding. You’re allowed to decline an invitation to be in a wedding and as it is a year out, you won’t have disrupted anything by changing your mind. But do not ask her to change her date.

Post # 37
12216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

News flash. A child’s birthday party or an anniversary celebration does not have to be held on tbe exact date and usually are not if they fall during the week.  Why can’t you just drive home on Saturday and and have the party on Sunday? Or do it the next weekend? A first birthday is really for friends and family. 

That said there is really no such thing as a “mild” destination wedding. Either it’s a true destination that puts venue ahead of people, or it’s not. If the wedding local is to the couple or either family it’s not. If it’s the distance that is burdensome, and will cost you much time and money between travel, accomodations and the inconvenience of leaving your baby and getting a sitter for three days I’d have less of an issue giving the bride a heads up or declining on that basis. 

But not about a one year old party that can be easily moved. That’s ridiculous.

Post # 38
6770 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m also curious about the date and your daughter’s age, but…

You don’t ask her to change the date. If your daughter’s birthday was on a Wednesday you’d likely have the party over the weekend, yes? If her birthday is Friday why can’t you celebrate it Sunday? 

If it’s really, really, really important to you that you celebrate it on Friday you’ll have to decline the wedding and deal with any impact that may have on your friendship. Regarding the anniversary–adults often have to celebrate important events on alternate dates because of competing responsibilities, work travel, etc., etc. It’s just part of being a grown-up. If you’ve planned a wedding you know how hard it can be to find a date in the season you’d like at the venue you want, let alone a specific date. If your friend really did schedule her wedding date a year ahead there is no way she could have known it would be your daughter’s first birthday.

And just say no to the middle-school guilt hint-dropping games suggested by a PP. 

Post # 39
578 posts
Busy bee

No, you absolutely cannot ask them to change the date and I think it would be pretty inconsiderate of you not to go or make any kind of fuss. 

There are often very few dates available at venues for weddings, especially if you are trying to be cost careful. They are trying to coordinate likely over a hundred people and probably dozens who are very important to them. Giving everybody a veto would make holding an event impossible. 

I understand why you are emotional about your child who is either very young or hasn’t been born yet, but the child will not be hurt of its birthday is celebrated on a different day (really almost everybody’s is) and every day is somebody’s anniversary. Both of those can be given their full weight on a different day —- recoirdibatkg a wedding by contrast is neigh impossible. 

And moreover the calendar is kind of an arbitrary way of marking time — nothing magical happens on that specific day. It’s jist 365 days from the last time we called it that day….

Post # 40
9198 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

my son’s first birthday fell on a wednesday (or at least it was a weekday).  we had his party the weekend before.  we didn’t celebrate my daughter’s first birthday on her actual birthday either, it didn’t work with our calendar.  they don’t know the difference.

have your daughter’s birthday party on sunday if you need saturday to travel.  really not a big deal.

Post # 41
7435 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

zoraneale :  this is exactly what I was thinking. I see people telling brides all the time to check the date with VIPs so I’m really confused at some of these responses.

OP: while I could understand declining, I think it would be very rude to ask her to change her date. If you do decide to decline, do it ASAP.

I personally would still go. While I can understand the importance of a first birthday you can celebrate on a different day and have many more birthdays in the future.

Post # 42
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Ahh, what a passive aggressive thing to do. zias :  

Post # 43
738 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

If you can’t make the date, you need to let your friend know ASAP and be honest about the reasons.

If I’m totally honest, I’d probably be pretty upset if my best friend and Maid/Matron of Honor declined my wedding for those reasons, particularly as the child is too young to know what day it is. People have different priorities though, and if this is yours then there you go. I’d be concerned about the repercussions for your friendship though.

As for changing the date, I’m sorry but I’d laugh in your face if you asked me to change my wedding date to accommodate your child’s birthday. Definitely don’t do that…

Post # 44
885 posts
Busy bee

eaglebay :  She’s under no obligation to discuss the date with you. If you were my best friend, and wanted to celebrate your child’s birthday, I would understand. I would also want you to tell me quickly, so I had time to find your replacement. You have a decision to make. If you’re planning to drop out, tell her now, and tell her why. There is no “how do I decline”. Just be honest. 

If you’re going to commit to the roll of Maid/Matron of Honor, drop the resentment, and be supportive. 

Post # 45
8089 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

idk how everyone else is with their best friends, but I could absolutely say “hey friend you picked my anniversary and my kid’s birthday how’s about you get your own date?” But I’d never have to do that because I ran by date by my MOHs and then ran theirs by me. And my best friend knows my anniversary and my daughter’s birthday so would avoid those dates anyways! 

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