How to politely ask for a date change or decline being in a wedding?

posted 1 month ago in Etiquette
Post # 61
Member
4910 posts
Honey bee

I don’t know if I booked my wedding on my best friends kids first bday I’d want to know. First bdays are a big deal to parents. Do you know if she booked it or if she was floating out the idea? Knowing myself I’d be all excited until I heard the date and I have no poker face.  Was this over text? 

Post # 62
Member
9 posts
Newbee

I don’t think you should ask her to change her date, but I also would not want to be away from my child for 3 whole days which include her birthday. It would be different if it were a local wedding. If it were me I’d either bring my daughter out of town with me, have my husband watch her in the hotel room during the wedding, and then treat the rest of the weekend as a birthday getaway, or I’d leave first thing Saturday morning to be home early afternoon with her. If those options aren’t acceptable to the bride for some reason, then I’d politely decline. 

Post # 63
Member
922 posts
Busy bee

Count me in as someone who doesn’t understand why so many Bees are giving the OP grief about not wanting to be away from her child on her first birthday.  I have two kids. Their birthdays are special to me because it’s not just about them, it’s the day *I* became a mother to them. I’m not a terribly sentimental person, but even now, when they are 10 and 12, it means a lot to me to be able to wake them up and wish them happy birthday in person – sometimes I can’t do that because they are with their father, and that aches a little for me. 

But I digress. 

I cant imagine the guilt and pain I would personally feel if I hadn’t been able to spend the day with my babies on their first birthday. Those birthdays were special to me. It’s not about the party or what the kid remembers, it’s about being with your child. Clearly, that’s not a big deal to everyone, but to a lot of parents it is. So I totally get OP’s dilemma. 

OP, is there any way you can bring your daughter with you? If not, I’d tell the bride that you can’t attend the wedding ASAP and let her make a decision as to what she wants to do. 

Post # 64
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

Lemme get this right – your friend’s wedding is year away on your child’s FIRST birthday?

Post # 65
Member
2194 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Am I the only one here who ran my wedding date past my VIPs ?? It’s not unreasonable to have expected the bride to ask her Maid/Matron of Honor if she was available on XYZ date, lol. 

My baby’s first birthday is coming up and this would be tough for me. Best friends are super important. But I’d have a hard time leaving my baby for 3 whole days, ESPECIALLY on his birthday 😭 I’ve been away from him for 5-6 days several times, and it sucks. It’d be much sadder on his birthday. Obviously he doesn’t know it’s his birthday, but I do and it’s a super special day for we parents. My kiddo has some health challenges and we will be extra appreciative that he is here and thriving(ish) a year later. 

I think you just need to decide what you would regret not doing in the future. For me, I’d probably regret missing my friend’s wedding and any potential affect it had on our friendship. But it’d be a tough call. 

Post # 66
Member
2194 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

pinkshoes :  jeez, judgement much? I don’t see you missing your kid’s first birthday. She’s not asking about when to plan a party. 

Post # 67
Member
276 posts
Helper bee

Every bee trying to figure out how the wedding and baby’s first are both a year away

Post # 68
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

eaglebay :  we had a similar issue with my brother’s wedding. We ended up not going.

Also, if she’s  your best friend, she’s more like an aunt to your child, so the fact that neither of these 2 major milestones crossed her mind when selecting her wedding date shows a lot of negligence on her part. You’re her maid of honor. 

I disagree with people saying you should offset your own personal milestones for the sake of your friends wedding. Her life is not more important than yours and turning 1 is a really big deal. 

Never ask for a date change, its rude AF, as is totally ignoring your best friends wedding anniversary and childs 1st birthday, but have a frank conversation about why you can’t be there. She’s likely wrapped up in her own crap and is too concerned about it being *HER* wedding day. I mean this is a really tough spot to be in, OP. I’m sorry and I understand your feelings. I wouldn’t be ok with not being with my child on her 1st birthday either. My husband was in Afghanistan for my first child’s first year, and he took mid tour leave over her first birthday so he wouldn’t miss it. It IS a big deal, don’t let other people away you from that or make you think you are overreacting.

Post # 69
Member
14940 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

whitums :  If my best friend was having her wedding that day and I had to be away, then no, I wouldn’t and I’d be ok with that.  But then I dont even typically celebrate birthdays, mine, my husband.. or holidays.  I wouldn’t even be having this party if my husband didn’t want to… and he wants it not to celebrate *his* brithday so much as ‘holy crap we survived a year’ party for *us*.

Post # 70
Member
6585 posts
Bee Keeper

I would either try to find a way to celebrate on “vacation” (ie bring grandparents or something), or just head back on Saturday and do the party on Sunday. Even if she had her wedding on the Saturday, you may not be able to attend because you’d have to leave on Friday anyways. 

Post # 71
Member
7884 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

hampsterdance :  of course not, tone really just doesn’t come across the internet – the phrasing was in jest while also pointing out that it’s already a busy day. I wouldn’t demand or even ask her to change it, but I would absolutely comment that it was the same as two important dates in my life already. For most birthdays it wouldn’t really matter, but milestones tend to be treated differently AND it’s a wedding that requires travel. First birthdays are for the parents and it’s a big deal to lots of people. I wanted to spend my daughter’s first birthday with her, not running around for someone else. If I couldn’t say “I’m so excited for your wedding, but that date gives me some logistically issues with travel and planning Sally’s birthday” then I shouldn’t be that person’s Maid/Matron of Honor. But my Maid/Matron of Honor literally has a key to my house and she’s gone there when I’m not home to poop, finish her makeup, and make herself coffee after dropping the kids at daycare (my house is on her commute and it would be too time consuming for her to go home again to do those things lol) and that’s totally normal to us so maybe we are closer than most. 

Post # 73
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

LilliV :  yes, all of this. 

Post # 74
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

She’s not upset she can’t have a celebration that day. She’s upset she won’t SEE her kid on her first birthday. I don’t know a mother that would be cool with doing something optional that meant not even seeing their kid on her first birthday!

And maybe she’s having a planned csection?

Post # 75
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

The lack of consideration is what bugs me the most. OPs bride should know the dates of her best friends major life events and should not have wanted to infringe on that for the sake of her friend. Next year when OP has a birthday party for her child, the bride will be unavailable because it’s their first anniversary. So basically the bride is just saying her life is more important.

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