How to politely ask for a date change or decline being in a wedding?

posted 2 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 76
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I agree with a PP, I did run my dates by my VIP’s only because we are spread across the globe and I wanted to make sure they could take time off etc and travel and coz I wanted them to be there.

I’m childless but as a human, yes I am a human, I don’t recall a birthday before the age of 7, or 10, god knows actually so I am sure your daughter will not hold it against you if you celebrate her birthday pre or post the actual date. However I’m almost certain that you could derail your, what seems to be a pretty solid friendship considering she asked you to be Maid/Matron of Honor, if you tell her this is the reason you can’t be at the most important day of her life… 

I mean food for thought.

Don’t you DARE go and ask her to change the date but, 

Post # 77
Member
696 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

I was pregnant when my brother set his wedding date. We already knew when my daughter would be born and he set his wedding date anyway. 

Post # 78
Member
696 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

jemmlove12 :  food for thought: if she was such a good friend, she should have realized it was MOHs kids first birthday. Don’t just blame OP of the friendship ends.

Post # 79
Member
5698 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

sf618b :  Babies are born off due date ALL THE TIME. Are people really supposed to plan their life around your potential future child’s birthday?

Post # 80
Member
2071 posts
Buzzing bee

JFC, we’re supposed to remember friends kids birthdates!? I can barely keep DH’s straight!

So, I don’t fault the bride for not knowing BUT– as a mother, no way in hell would I want to miss my kids first birthday! And yes, I’m fully aware they won’t remember / hold it against me, but it’s also a huge milestone for me as a person becoming a mom and Darling Husband becoming a dad to our child, so it’s a big deal for our family unit and I’d want to be together for that in some capacity.

So, for that reason, I’d bring the baby with me to the destination wedding and let dad do baby duty while I was Maid/Matron of Honor and maybe see if a grandparent could go with to watch the kid for the night– IDK, but I wouldn’t spend the weekend away from my kid on their 1st birthday

Post # 81
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

sf618b :  nah I can barely remember families birthdays never mind anyone else so this isn’t always the case.. and are you implying that the bride should be checking everyone she knows and loves Bday before picking her wedding date? Unrealistic. I doubt the bride picked the date in a malice way or with intention to hurt OP by making her choose between child bday and wedding.. if she did then that’s a whole other issue. 

Post # 82
Member
2074 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Going against the grain a bit here, but I think she should have checked with her maid of honor before setting a date. Personally, we checked with our families and close friends before setting our date because it was important to us that they attend and we wanted to make it as easy on them as possible. I would have tried very hard to not have my wedding on a milestone day for my maid of honor — a first birthday is one of those days. Sure kids have birthdays every year, but the first one is usually considered pretty important by a wide variety of cultures. OP, I don’t think it would be awful for you to prioritize your kid’s first birthday over your friend’s wedding. I wouldn’t ask for a date change, but I would decline to participate. It was rude of her not to check with you at all and then expect you to participate.

Post # 83
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Why is everyone getting so hung up on the OP saying things are a year away and therefore jumping to the conclusion that this baby cannot possibly even be alive yet? Are we so postive OP meant a year away in the very literal sense? Not just a general year away? Maybe it’s really 11-ish months? Would that be out of the realm of possibilities? 

Wouldn’t the most likely scenario be that the bride just booked her venue around a year out AND the OP also just gave birth? 

Post # 84
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

And since when did people on this site:

#1 not think Friday weddings were super inconvenient for their guests; and

#2 not at least advocate for clearing a super inconvenient Friday wedding that’s 6 hour drive with your VIPs? 

 

Post # 85
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

The first birthday is a big deal to the parents regardless of child not remembering it. No way would I miss it or bring a child that young with me. Tell her you won’t be able to do it and why. She will either change the date or go ahead. She will either understand or hate you. Either way, don’t be in her wedding on that date. You will be resentful.

Post # 86
Member
376 posts
Helper bee

slomotion :  THIS! Maybe I’m weird but I would have said to my best friend “Of all the days to choose…” light heartedly.  We’re besties so we just approach each other honestly. I would expect her to either say “Yeah I know but…” or “OMG I forgot/didn’t realize”. I would never ask her, but if she could and wanted to change the date, great, if not she’d likely ask me what I wanted to do about it and i’d make my decision from there. It certainly wouldn’t degrade to a make it or break it relationship situation. 

I would likely still go and figure things out on the back end but I can’t see myself making that decision with out having a conversation with her about it.

Post # 87
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

I think a lot of the posters are being very harsh on the OP.  I would be very upset that my friend chose both my anniversary date and my child’s birthday for her wedding date.  However, I would not ask her to switch it.  There must be a reason that she picked that date also.  I am surprised that the bride did not ask her VIPs though before she selected her date.  

While the child will not remember her birthday, her parents will.  I have two children and there is no way that I would have missed being with them on their birthday.  They didn’t know, but I did.  It was not only their 1st birthday, but it was the anniversary of the day that I became a parent.  The first birthday is a huge milestone.  It meant that I had survived their first year.  It is a big deal.  

OP, I would probably decline being in the wedding and tell the bride why you are declining.  You have a lot of reasons to decline.  It’s your anniversary and your child’s first birthday.  I wouldn’t want to travel that far and be that far from my child on their 1st birthday.  

 

Post # 88
Hostess
3867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’m really surprised by a lot of these responses.  My sister and her husband originally were planning for a date (but had not yet booked) that was hugely inconvenient for me when I was the Maid/Matron of Honor (the day after I was taking the Bar Exam 14 hours away) and they changed it when I told them it would be really challenging.  Similiarly, I ran the date we wanted by our VIPs and one of my bridesmaids said it would be really difficult for her to get the time off (right around the election) and we moved it to a date that she could attend.  I much preferred having my VIPs there than to have a certain date and would want the people closest to me to feel comfortable talking to me about it if they didn’t think they could make it.  Had she brought it up after we booked, I don’t think I would have lost my deposit, but I probably would still try to move the date if they venue had something else open that still worked for us.  

Post # 89
Member
249 posts
Helper bee

sf618b :  my wedding was the same date as my cousin/good friend’s son’s first birthday. It wasn’t selfish. I was aware of the overlap, but it was the date that was available to us that worked for the most people. If our relationship ended over something so ridiculous I would have been incredibly disappointed in the petulant behaviour of said cousin. The OP isn’t the only guest. She isn’t the only member of the bridal party. This isn’t about her, nor is the somehow the most important factor in the date choosing process. 

OP: Its unfortunate that there’s an overlap. That said, you stated that it’s a Friday and “not even a weekend”. I’m assuming that you (like most people) would likely be planning a party for your daughter for the weekend and not the Friday itself. Isn’t it a bit self-involved to expect two days for your one year old’s birthday while also chastising the bride and groom for choosing a date that works for them? It’s all a bit hypocritical. I mean, I get it… it’s not ideal. Their wedding is one single day, though. It won’t have any effect on your future. I wouldn’t say anything to them, that would be incredibly rude. Either accept it and be in the wedding (without being passive aggressive about it), or back out gracefully and say that you’d love to attend as a guest but unfortunately you can’t commit to being in the bridal party because you won’t be able to be in attendance the entire day. 

Post # 90
Member
712 posts
Busy bee

It’s a bit weird that your bestie would pick the same wedding date as you. But, that’s perfectly fine and I’d happily roll with that. 

Would I miss my child’s first birthday for a wedding? No way in hell. A first birthday is massively special to me. 

Yeah, and a Friday wedding? Come on. Now you’re asking me and everyone else attending to miss work as well? 

 

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