How to politely ask for a date change or decline being in a wedding?

posted 2 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 91
Member
9489 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would just have my kid’s party the weekend before. 

Apparently I’m a terrible mother because we did exactly that with our daughter and didn’t celebrate on her actual birthday. THE HORROR.

Post # 92
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee

Wow. This blew up from my first message. 

1. No one is obligated to run their wedding date past family and friends, though it is nice if they do. 
2. JFC no one is obligated to know all of your special event dates and it’s not a requirement of friendship that they do. You are not a better friend because you happen to remember some dates. 
3. The OP is allowed to accept or decline for whatever reason, birthdays/anniversaries included.
4. Birthday parties are often not the exact date, especially for a child’s party (that’s mostly for the adults) where one might want to invite others who find weekends more convenient.
5. The OP said it’s a year out – the baby might not even be born yet, or it has just been born and she’s emotional thinking about it’s first bday, or she’s just rounding to an approximate date. 

I don’t think the OP deserves the harsh criticism she’s getting. I wouldn’t be happy if a close friend missed my wedding for a party she could have over the weekend, and it would make me rethink how close we were, but that’s the OP’s choice and it’s not worth pages of vitriol. 

Post # 93
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Wow, I’m pretty surprised by all of the negative responses. I don’t think you can ask your friend to change her date but you can make a decision on if you want to be in the wedding and miss your daughters first birthday or be with your daughter on her birthday.

I have a young daughter and her actual first birthday was really special to me. Both my husband and I took the day off work and had a lot of fun, it’s a huge milestone. Don’t feel bad if you don’t want to miss it, I totally get it.

If you want to be with your daughter, just politely tell your friend that due to that conflicting with your anniversary and your daughters first birthday, you’re no longer able to participate. 

While she was definitely under no need to take anyone else’s needs into consideration when planning her date, my husband and I made sure there were no big conflicts for those who mattered the most to us. So I’d be a little disappointed had this happened to me. Don’t feel bad either way! she gets to do what works for her and you have to do what works for you.

Post # 94
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Interesting to hear some mom’s cry at their kids 1st or other birthdays. I was soo happy celebrating the end of my breast pumping days, it didn’t even occur to me to get emotional. 

I would bring up asap that the date conflicts with your baby’s 1st bday and after talking to your hubby about it, you will have to decline. If she changes the date for you, great. If not, then stay strong and don’t feel pressured to be in or go to the wedding. She should have checked with you first.

Post # 95
Member
14963 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

KittyYogi :  find me a good reason to like my best friends wedding, and I would be just fine not spending that day with him.  It’s not since magical day.  I can predict what his actual birthday will be like.  It’ll be like any other Friday where my husband goes to work,  I try to survive the day.  I might get out grocery shopping with him in between his naps.  Just another regular day. 

Post # 96
Member
1901 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Bring the baby and hire a local sitter. Hang out with the baby, eat cake and be merry. Or have your spouse watch the kid while you’re busy. Host a family and friends party the week before or after.

That said… I know my bffs anniversary and kids birthdates. I def would have asked if she minded before planning a wedding on her anniversary or birthday. 

Post # 97
Member
842 posts
Busy bee

BeachIU05 : I agree. I think respondents are inappropriately projecting their own preferences on OP. People have different preferences. For some, the birthday of a child, particularly if the birthday was uncertain, is more important than their own wedding, and accordingly someone else’s wedding. While OP should not request a date change, she can kindly communicate she will not be able to attend. 

Post # 98
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

anonymousbee001 :  Why is the birthday uncertain?  I would guess the OP JUST had a baby.  She knows when her child’s birthday is.  

Post # 99
Member
7810 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I went on a weekend bachelorette party over my daughter’s first birthday! I wasn’t going to miss it and we celebrated her birthday on another day. But birthdays are not that special to me- you go to school or work or whatever just like any other day. That being said, I do think it’s weird that your friend didn’t make the connection that the date is important to you. I’d know when my closest friends anniversaries etc are.

Post # 100
Member
2350 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

pinkshoes :  honestly I’m surprised that after how long it took for him to come into your life, his first birthday will be just like any other day to you. You aren’t going to celebrate that it’s his actual birthday, at all? I do get that everyone is different though.

But I think it’s a little unreasonable to expect other moms to have such a cavalier attitude about their baby’s first birthday 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

Post # 101
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Westwood :  Nowhere did the OP actually mention her daughter’s birthday PARTY though. She’s upset that she’s actually going to miss being with her daugther on her birthday. This isn’t about a party. 

ETA: Why are so many people assuming this is all about not having a party for her daughter on her actual birthday? I had to go back and re-read the OP because I assumed I was remembering incorrectly but the OP doesn’t even mention a party. She talks about having to be 6 hours away from her daughter for 3 days and thus missing her whole first birthday. I’m really confused. Did most people just read the title and get in a huff before even really reading the post (because I’ll admit, the title did leave me to believe I would be dealing with a very entitled, crazy OP)? 

Post # 102
Member
9489 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

llevinso :  Okay then, I wouldn’t be upset about that either. My kid went to daycare on her actual birthday and I went to work. Again, we celebrated that weekend. It wasn’t a big deal to us to do it on a different day.

KittyYogi :  how judgemental of you. 

Post # 103
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Westwood :  Okay but you actually saw your kid on their birthday right? And even if you didn’t, that doesn’t mean that every mom would feel the way you do. Other moms might hate the idea of not getting to see their baby on their actual birthday. I know I would. For other posters here to say OP is being ridiculous and even making fun of her for feeling this way is an incredibly mean way to treat a new mom. 

Post # 104
Member
2563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

zias :  There is a huge flaw in your method though.

Best Friend thinking to herself:  “Okay, I just dropped a major hint that daughter’s birthday is on BFFs wedding day.  Maybe she’ll get the hint.”
Bride thinking to herself:  “Oh that’s awesome.  How sweet, we’ll both share a special day together.”

Best Friend: “ok, surely she’ll take the hint because I just told her we’re rearranging birthday celebrations and then bringing parents to watch the kiddo for the wedding.” 
BFF: “This is awesome.  They’re going out of their way to make special arrangements so they can attend my wedding.”

See why hinting doesn’t work?  This is my biggest pet peeve and the biggest source of all miscommunication.  Don’t hint.  Be direct.  Nobody is a mind reader and there are a million different responses someone would derive from a simple hint.

Post # 105
Member
14963 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

KittyYogi :  I just don’t find a particular birthday or anniversary date that big a deal.  The actual event, the day I actually have birth, yes.  The date every subsequent year, no. I cherish him everyday, but his date of birth will probably be an ordinary day until he is old enough to celebrate cause it’s more for him than me. These days, he just wants a boob and his naps. 

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