(Closed) How to politely deny a plus 1?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1797 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If someone is traveling and staying in a hotel I’d think it would be reasonable they should be able to bring a travel companion.  I would never travel for a wedding without my Fiance. 


ETA: I really feel you on how stressful the + 1s can be especially for a small wedding.  We’re having about 50 ppl and half of those will be + 1s…and so for our prewedding and after wedding events we want certain people to attend but then we have all those damn + 1s to consider…and we end up with a 50 person rehearsal, 50 person wedding, 50 person brunch etc.


Post # 4
6263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@icetea:  this. My friend invited me to her wedding all the way in Hawaii. When I asked if I could bring a guest she said no. Surely she doesnt think I am traveling from NJ to Hawaii ALONE? I politely told her I would not be coming.

Post # 5
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ahh I don’t know if there is a good way to approach this one.  It wasn’t very polite of her to assume he was invited, but I understand that if she is traveling she may not want to do so alone. Is it a flight? Or just a drive?

Post # 6
6 posts

@tanibear:  That’s a tough one! I would just email her back with a note that says something like ‘I’m so excited you’ll be able to make it! We’re actually still working on the headcount for the hotel for people on our official guest list. I’ll let you know more about the plans for accomodation really soon, but right now nothing’s quite decided. I’ll have more details for you on our invitations!’

Then, call her before you send the paper invitation and politely explain that with the hotel’s limitations and your budget, you’ve had to cut some +1 invitations, though you intended for her to have one in the beginning. If she’s a good friend, she’ll probably understand and be accomodating. Good luck!

Post # 7
6533 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

Well this is awkward. I get not wanting to give everyone a plus 1 if you’re keeping your wedding small, but on the other side I wouldn’t want to travel to a wedding if I couldn’t bring someone.

Post # 8
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yeah, if she has to travel and stay in a hotel to attend your wedding, she should def be allowed a +1.  A good friend of mine got married in Hawaii a few years ago and I had to ask I could bring my then-boyfriend (who she hadn’t met). I assured her I’d pay for his plate b/c I knew it was an expensive, fairly small wedding.  We gave her a cash present and he is now my husband. I’m sooo glad I brought him.  I don’t think I would have come if I couldn’t have brought a guest.  If she’s a good friend who you want at your wedding, try to flex on this one – just make it clear you won’t be paying for her hotel room 🙂

Post # 9
4996 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Eh this is what happens when you send an informal invite. I would let her bring her man since you weren’t very clear and she’s traveling. 

Post # 10
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

This is a tough one… Now that she’s opened the door, it is going to be difficult to ignore it.  Although technically you could until such time as the Official Invite goes out.

As someone who has done Travel Planning in my career… I have to say I’m not 100% sure WHY you had to send out “the feeler” email to begin with.  I would have just ballparked a number of possible hotel rooms, and see what rate the Hotel would offer your friends in regards to rates.

And then let those coming in from Out of Town know (after you send out the Invites… usually on your Wedding Website… or by phone / mail after they RSVP) that a Block of Rooms is available for booking at a “preferred” rate at the XYZ Hotel… they are just to make sure and ask for the Tanibear Wedding.

Typically the Hotel will say a number… lets say $ 150 for 10 Rooms…. them holding a block of 10 Rooms until a specific date.  And that is the rate your friends are told when they call up and book.  IF you end up with a higher number of friends making Reservations, then the Hotel will drop the rate (say to $ 125)… and give that Adjusted Rate to your Friends when they check in.

You negotiate that with the Hotel and get it all in writing… but that is it.  You aren’t truly the middle man, because your Guests deal directly one-on-one with the hotel.

The way you are handling it leaves too much ambiguity… in some ways it sounds like you are doing the bookings, and in others it could even be mistrued that you are doing the paying.

So ya… this whole scenario is a bit strange to me.


Post # 12
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It might be only two months NOW, but you’re wedding isn’t until August. And the fact that you don’t know his is NOT a good argument for not inviting him — he’s special to your friend, and that’s all that matters.  They are in a relationship now and they are therefore a “social unit” — not a “plus 1.”

Post # 13
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@tanibear:  I would just let her bring her SO, no one enjoys traveling alone.

Post # 14
5317 posts
Bee Keeper

IMO it wouldn’t be polite but you can just clarify the invitation is only for her.

Post # 15
5229 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

If they are still together in August, I’d consider it reasonable for her to expect him to be invited, but it’s never polite to assume that will be the case. I’d call her right away and say that you aren’t sure yet if you’ll be able to extend invitations to dates but that you hope to. She should be warned and the polite thing for you to do is woman up and tell her directly.

Post # 16
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@tanibear:  Adults can go places alone. Adults can travel alone. It would be lovely if you could/wanted to extend a +1 to all your guests, but that’s totally up to you, and since you don’t…. she doesn’t need one for some guy she’s been with for 2 months. YES, some people are serious at two months. Hubby and I were. But I also would have understoof that not everyone knew him, or even knew ABOUT him at that point, and that guest lists are limited.

Tell her you aren’t sure you can include +1s, but that if you can you’ll be sure to write it on the invite.

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