(Closed) how to politely let people know not to ask if we're pregnant?

posted 4 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
47202 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

mrskitty5:  “I would apprecciate it if you would stop asking if we are pregnant. It is hurtful when we have been unsuccessful so far.I promise I will let you know when we are.”

Post # 3
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I haven’t in this way.  One of my besties has several kids (we’re the same age); and now that I’m getting married, almost every conversation is about how things will be when I have kids.  And I finally had to tell her, that I may very well be unable to have any biologically.  It was hard to tell her that, but her comments started to hurt too much…directly, honestly, is the best (and remembering they don’t mean to be hurtful!)

But from the other side, the friends I knew were trying–well, I figured they’d tell me when they were.  But I also have enough other friends who have struggled with or can’t get pregnant, that I think I’ve learned not to ask questions that can be insensitive. 

I know it might make you feel vulnerable, but can you just tell this friend in particular, that you will let her know when you’re expecting, that it’s painful when you have to tell her no, and you’d rather she not bring it up even though you appreciate that she cares and is interested…?  She really might have no idea how it feels.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  futuremsd1113.
Post # 4
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

I would be straight forward with her and tell her to stop asking you.  Tell her the constant asking is stressing you out and makes you upset every time you have to tell her no, so please just stop.

And if she continues to ask then just ignore her question.  You don’t have to give her an answer regardless of what the answer is.

Post # 5
Member
1445 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I guess you could send a friendly/light hearted text blast like, “I shared with a select group of friends and family (those included on this text) that we are TTC, but since it’s not happened yet, can I ask you all to just pretend that I never told you? Until we have good news to share, we don’t want to keep recounting the “not yet” news over and over. As soon as we have  good news to share, you already know that you guys will be the 1st to know!” 

Post # 6
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

 

MissTNBookworm:  I like that!  I was just thinking too, if they’re good enough friends to confide in that you’re TTC, then they’ll be good enough friends to tell to stop asking. 

Post # 7
Member
2340 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Oh dear! Hindsight eh? 

I think I would sit down with your friend one-on-one and then tell her that you appreciate that people are only showing that they care, but that you are regretting telling people that you are TTC as it is adding pressure to you and you are finding it difficult to face the question every month. Tell her you’ve chosen her as the person you most feel able to ask to have a word with your friends in common, to explain how you find it difficult and ask them not to mention it and that you’d prefer even her not to mention it. Remind her that it can take months or years to conceive, even without any underlying infertility issue, so having people express sympathy month after month is draining. Point out (jokingly) that there is no chance she/they are going to miss on on any pregnancy or baby tipping up on the scene, but a watched pot never boils. 

Post # 9
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

Next time she asks I would simple avoid answering. Her “so are you pregnant yet?”  You ” have you and _ decided where you are going on vacation this year? “. I would think she will get the hint. 

Post # 10
Member
2166 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’ve only told one person that we were TTC because of this very reason. I don’t want them to only call/text to ask if we’re pregnant and I know many of them would be very excited to know and they would ask me frequently. I’m happy to know they’re excited but I would, like you, get very tired of telling them, “Not right now”. 

Post # 11
Member
4998 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

All I can say is good luck to the next person who asks me that! Maybe I’m just bitter, but I feel like rude questions warrant rude answers…

Post # 12
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I have a friend that is out of state that always asks when he calls How is the progress on making a little (insert my friends name here)?  I know he is just trying to be supportive but what can I say, well another month with no luck, I think its your fault… LOL  

I think sometimes people ask out of compassion but dont realize that it frustrates you.  I think he also asks because he wants to be one of the first people “to know”. 

I have others that say, hmmm let watch if she has a glass of wine.  They all want to know so they can be happy for you. But all ask in different way.

Post # 13
Member
641 posts
Busy bee

I think its rude to ask, she probably is just very excited for you and doesnt realise the hurt it can bring when it hasnt happened immediately. I am sure she will understand once you explain. 

We are on month 2 of TTC, and I have only told 2 people. Fiance got a bit excited and told a few friends of his which although i trust them, dont want to have them asking ‘if it’s happened yet’ or questioning things. I would rather keep it between us until things are confirmed and we are ready. It’s hard as we have no control over how long it can take!

Good luck! 

Post # 14
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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mrskitty5:  I really don’t think there is any polite way to tell people to stop asking this question! Most of the people who really care about you and know your TTC struggles would never ask this and the others who do ( God knows why do they even ask!) I have started coming up with funny statements when someone asks me. After TTCing for 3.5 years and not being succesful, it’s not easy letting in everyone on the issues we are facing. so i say that oh, i’m just waiting for my Darling Husband to stop being such a baby and then I can think of actually having a baby or we are having way too much fun to want to have a baby right now or something that puts the attention away from the actual question.

The best thing to do is develop an elephant skin and not bother or be senstive to the questions…otherwise the world and people in it really don’t care how they hurt you…it’s us who need to think of how to make ourselves strong enough to get by

Post # 15
Member
2579 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Grrr, I’m not even TTC but I’m annoyed by these responses from people! Note to self: if ever you TTC tell no-one but DH!!

The alcohol thing would particularly bother me. I’ve usually got a drink in my hand if I’m not at home. I always drink around the in laws because for some people you need a helping hand to relax, right?! My Mother-In-Law would be on me like a shot if I ever turned down wine. I wouldn’t mind her knowing per as but that sense of entitlement to know first really gets to me. You’ll tell people when you’re ready, obviously…Good luck with this ladies!

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