(Closed) How to react to a friend’s infertility…?

posted 6 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@BothCoasts:  I think your approach so far is good and very sensitive. Honestly, I’d ask her  privately upfront if she wants to be left out of group emails or the showers – she may be hurt more by the exclusion. Everyone’s different.

Post # 4
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Its great that your reaching out instead of ignoring her.  I know friends of IF couples don’t mean to but life is hectic for all of us. 

-I am pretty open w/ everyone about my IF status.  Because I’m open, many ppl will advise me to “Just Relax”.  I REALLY HATE that comment because its not about relaxing.  If that was the only action I needed to reproduce, I wouldn’t have needed 2 major surgeries in the last 7 months.  Some other  non-helpful comments:  “Its not your time just yet”, “God has a plan for you”  “If its meant to be, it will be”, “Just Adopt” and the list goes on and on…. 

-Inclusion.  Invite her to girl’s night out.  Shopping trips etc.  Spa Day.  Gossip hour.:)  Although I am the last of my gf to get married and now TTC, it was always nice for me to be involved in my gf lives regadless of my status.  As much as I love my gf children and my nieces and nephews, I’m not a Chucky Cheese gal.  But I love playing Wii, Red Robin, and wrestling.  I love when ppl realize that I love children but sometimes I need to respectfully decline. 

-Ask.  Its always nice to have someone ask about my well being.  I don’t have to get into specifics if I don’t want to or I can.  I can ask for support or just let everyone know I need time for myself.  Just because I have a happy face on doesn’t mean that all is well.  But @ the same time, I find that I assume most ppl don’t want to hear about my trials and tribulations so I dont’ share.   When I found out my RE gave the thumbs up for NEXT, I had 10 ppl to give an update to.  It was great because I didn’t feel alone.

Being a great friend is someone who is there to share all of life’s highs and lows.  IF just is one aspect of a person, not a defining point.  So, just be the Bestie you’ve always been:)

Post # 5
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Just be supportive.  When I was just starting to have major difficulty TTC quite a few of my friends got pregnant on the first try or by accident.  It was very hard for me.  But, for the most part, they were really supportive.  Don’t say “just relax” or “it’ll happen – just give it time” – that is frustrating and infuriating!  Don’t leave her out.  Infertility is already excluding enough, having friends leave you out – no matter how good the intentions – only makes it worse.  I like you letting her call the shots – but still ask how she’s doing from time to time.  During a particularly difficult time in my IF journey, I had two very close friends who were pregnant together, and they talked about their pregnancy non stop every time we were together.  I was incredibly happy for them, and didn’t want them to walk on egg shells, but at times it was physically painful to be around them.  So, just be mindful around her.

Post # 7
Bee
6473 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011 - Sydney, Australia

I wouldn’t exclude her to help her feelings – that might just be ANOTHER reinforcement to the fact that she’s not pregnant & in the happy glowing club, you know?

Talk to her about it. Ask her what she would find easier or more supportive – which it sounds like you’re doing already. Baby showers and events are ridiculously hard when you’re infertile, but being left out all together is even worse.

Thanks for thinking of her. As a TTC woman myself, it makes me happy when I see threads like this. 🙂

Post # 9
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@squeak35:  I 10000% agree. As much as it hurt sometimes to see people get pregnant easily, it hurts even more to have friends side step you out of fear of upsetting you. Be upfront her with, ask her her comfort level. Some can carry on like normal and some will have a breakdown seeing a baby in public. Get some feedback from her and go from there. I’m pretty laid back about it, I mean just because someone else is knocked up doesn’t mean I am going to stop wanting their friendship, if anything I want it even more because babies are an exciting life step!

You seem very kind and caring and those are the 2 things she probably needs most so it sounds like you are on the right track 🙂 

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