(Closed) How to respond if not proposed to if you think its going to happen?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

Sadly, its not his fault if you have expectations even though he hasn’t dropped any hints.  I mean, if he’s been hinting that it’ll happen soon, it would make sense to expect a proposal.  Unfortunately, you can’t be mad at him because you have an idea of what/when you’d like to happen.

 

Although, it is tough that he isn’t willing to discuss engagement/marriage when you bring up the subject.  Maybe that should be the issue – not whether or not he’ll propose on your anniversary

 

 

Post # 5
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I hate that excuse! I really do, that a “surprise” is grounds form not communicating with you plans that involve your life. 

I wasn’t at all surprised at my proposal and believe me, it didn’t make it any less special or romantic. 

Post # 7
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

I totally get what you’re feeling but you should just tell yourself to expect nothing. That way if it happens it’ll be a happy surprise, if it doesn’t you’ll be less disappointed.  He may want to buy a house and then settle in before working on buying a ring.

 

My bf also bought our house right around the 3.5-4 year mark for us. I was convinced he’d propose last year on my birthday (right before our 5 year) and he didn’t. I put on a brave face but told him later that it was a sad day for me because I assumed he’d propose. This year I feel like I’ll loose my shit if he doesn’t do it by our 6 year anniversary, so I get you girl! But I’m just going to be patient and suck it up and let it happen when it happens. If I’m feeling like crap after that day has come and gone, then I’ll probably sit him down and be honest about my feelings again. And cry about it on the bee ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 9
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@amberdk:  

@EmmyGirl:  

I just don’t understand why you have to wait in silence and suffer like that? 

I’m not one for forcing your SO to get married or ultimatums that happen after only a couple months. However I don’t understand why there can’t be open communication. 

Why isn’t he ready? What will he need to be ready? What is his timeline?!

its so not fair to keep you in the dark when it’s your life too. For me it just is very sexist that he gets to decide (with what seems like no input) on when things happen and I think it’s crap. 

Post # 10
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You need to sit down and have a serious talk. I don’t understand why you have to suffer in silence either. You both get a saying in this relationship.

 

 

 

Say “i need to talk to you, and don’t give me crap. do you wanna marry me or not? cause i want to marry you, i want to live with you, and i’m not waiting more than x amount of time. “

 

Post # 11
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

@Tphan:  I’m no shrinking violet so don’t feel too bad for me ๐Ÿ˜‰ I told him I’m expecting to be engaged within the year and he said “we’re on the same page” so I suppose that’s a timeline. In my BF’s case I think he realized that he got away with dragging his feet for too long and now he’s trying to get the ring/proposal plan perfect so I’m trying to give him some breathing room to do that. I have no reason not to trust him but that doesn’t make chilling out much easier ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 12
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@amberdk:  on my 5th anniversary, we were away in Mexico. Same scenario, we even went out for a lovely dinner and dressed up. I was not happy ๐Ÿ™

unfortunely I have no goo advice, just try to prepare yourself for it not to happen I guess 

Post # 13
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@amberdk:  I am sorry for you.  Truly it is a difficult place to be in, and I for one, completely understand!!

The ‘waiting’ period is one of torment and true strength.  Am I right?!  On one hand, you have to tell yourself ‘it will not happen’, all the while finding a balance to NOT be disappointed when you think a great date, timeline, period has passed!  On the other hand, upon continual disappointment, you have to smile thru it, and not ‘flip out’, because I believe flipping out does not help the cause for two reasons.  One is that it might push him in a boat of not doing it, and the second reason being that if he is pushed in the boat to do it, will you be left wondering if it was done due to pressure?!

I have been with my SO for over 2 years.  Everything is good to go; committment to one another, finances, emotional stability, etc.  Our 2 year anniversary occurred, and thought ‘maybe’, and then nothing.  Christmas occurred, and I thought ‘definitely’ and then nothing happened.  And then my birthday, which is today, is happening and KNOW it will not happen.  However, I KNOW it will not happen because somewhere between the new year and today, I taught myself to give up on hoping for a proposal, and decided to just let it be.  To expect the unexpected.  To feel emotional toward a proposal when he is down on one knee, and stop guessing before that moment. 

I guess that is my best advice to off you, or any waiting bee really.  You know it will happen eventually with this man.  He knows he wants to marry you one day.  If you two have decided that it is his choice to make that move, then sitting by and letting him do his thing is really important.  If you want to be involved in the process, then you need to communicate that to him.  And no, that does not mean you will be pressuring him, but certainly you have a right to ask for a timeline too! 

I hope your 4 year anniversary is special and amazing, and that things go your way, but if it does not, then take that special date night to celebrate the relationship, and not mourn the lack of proposal (easier said than done, right?! :))

Post # 14
Member
30 posts
Newbee

My boyfriend is similarly vague although we have discussed marriage and agreed that 2014 is our year. We’ve been together 5 years. While I do not really want a long engagement, I’ve contacted some venues for quotes for November 2014. I’ve told him about this and he is happy for me to look, as he is the type to want all the information before making a decision. It has also helped to refocus my mind on our future together rather than worrying about a proposal. This might make your boyfriend feel pressured though so make sure you really are on the same page first! My boyfriend and I will marry but he is adamant that he wants to surprise me with a proposal. This early scouting works for me and gives him time too.

 

Have a frank chat with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling to put your mind at ease.

 

Post # 15
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This is why couples need to talk about marriage.  Sometimes you might find out things you don’t like (he’s not ready) but at least you know each other’s feeling on the matter.  I’ll never understand all the “waiting” bullshit when all you have to do is talk.

Post # 16
Member
44 posts
Newbee

This essentially happened to me last year at the 3 year anniversary. i really thought it was gonna happen even though I was sure there was no ring (there wasn’t…. Heck theris still isn’t but that’s a different story).  at the end of the day when it really hit me that it wasn’t going to happen.  I told SO I needed to be alone for a few minutes.  I sat in our room and had a good cry, and being the good guy he is came to check up on me.  We talked about how disappointed I was and that I didn’t want to ruin the day, so we agreed to postpone the argument until later. The next week we talked it out rationally, and made a plan so I wouldn’t be disappointed like that again.  Now that my 4 year anni is in sight…. I understand what you’re going through.  Being prepared for it not to happen is a good idea, a way to keep things in perspective.  Good luck! 

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