How to Respond/Forgive Husband

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
1161 posts
Bumble bee

annonbee857 :  Honestly, it sounds like this is totally out of character for him and potentially not really his fault. From what you’ve said about how much he drank and over how long it doesn’t seem to be a completely ridiculous amount and the police/security people giving you the run around is really irritating but not really your husbands fault either. If he was in that bad a state and being held somewehere he may not have been allowed to contact you even if he wanted to.

If this happens again or becomes a regular occurence then I think you have every right to be angry but at this point I’d wait and see what he says when he gets home and accept that everyone is allowed to make a mistake 

Post # 3
9718 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

This seems like a really extreme reaction to just 4-5 beers over a few hours. If he can typically drink that amount without a problem It was an accident and if it’s out of character I’m sure he feels horrible.

And I’m not sure why you felt responsible for getting his friends home. They are grown men, they can figure it out themselves.

Post # 4
3970 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Wow, what a fiasco. I’m so sorry you all had to go through this! 

My biggest takeaway from all of this is that he certainly did NOT do this on purpose. It’s not like he set out to make you spend your night driving all over creation. I would be empathetic to him. I would probably calmly say something like “whoa. The entire night last night was insane. I can’t believe that happened. How do we move on from here?” Because it’s done now. And it just sounds like things spiraled out of control. I honestly don’t think I would hold a grudge. But I would highlight some things I needed moving forward like better communication. And some kind of assurance that there would always be a Dear Daughter when they went out. But really, this just sounds like a perfect shit storm, not like a regular occurrence. So why not practice forgiveness?

ETA: could he have been slipped something in his drink? I have a male friend who ended up with a drink meant for someone else and he had an equally bizarre evening that he only remembers bit and pieces of and all he can figure is that he got accidentally roofied. 

Post # 5
750 posts
Busy bee

It doesn’t actually sound like he was all that drunk. 4-5 beers isn’t all that much over a few hours. Maybe it was the altitude.

Maybe the security staff overreacted because he got sick. It sounds like that to me.

It also sounds like the situation was exacerbated by his friends being drunk a and by poor communication from the police stations/jails/detox- none of which is his fault.

I don’t think you should just say oh well never mind and forget about it. But have a think about which bits he is actually responsible for (drinking a bit more than usual, losing his phone) and which bits he had no input or control over (his friends, police giving you poor information etc)


Post # 6
175 posts
Blushing bee

Hmm I wonder if something was slipped in his drink especially considering his phone and ID were lost too. I just find it hard to believe 4-5 beers could lead to detox. Maybe it really was just the altitude difference but since this is so out of character I think you two should have a good talk about it before you do anything drastic. 

Post # 7
4029 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think the situation was really shitty and completely inconvenient for you and I’m sorry you had to deal with all that.

I just can’t imagine how only 4-5 beers in the amount of a few hours could actually make someone that inebriated. This might be jumping to conclusions but I would be questioning that number or whether or not that was all he did.

Either way, if this is just a random occurrence then I wouldn’t be too worried about this happening again. He’s probably very embarrassed and I hope you both can put this incident behind you… He needs to apologize and assure you that this won’t ever happen again and you need to be willing to move on. 

Post # 8
4244 posts
Honey bee

Cheekie0077 :  I guess it’s possible that if he’s not used to drinking, 4-5 beers (especially shitty draft stadium beers) would be enough to make him sick…not necessarily from being too drunk, but just from having more than his body could handle. IDK, at the few hockey games I’ve been to, I’ve managed 3-4 of those giant beers and while I’m feeling pretty good after, I’m certainly not out of control.

Sounds like security overreacted (which, to be fair, if he was throwing up they would probably assume he was too drunk and have measures in place to deal with it), and the police were unhelpful but if your husband truly only had 4-5 beers over a few hours, while it’s a shitty situation, I don’t think it’s even close to being unforgivable. 

Post # 9
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I think he probably got sick due to the elevation / sun / a couple more beers than usual, and the stadium security way overreacted. And once there’s a police protocol enacted, they can’t stop it really.

I think you should be sympathetic. Bring it up in a kind way. I’m sure he feels like a complete POS already, and frankly you piling on will not help either of you. If you’re nice, it’ll give him an opening to be apologetic for scaring you. And since this is so out of character, chalk it up to a big mistake / learning experience.  

Post # 10
6836 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Is it at all possible that something was slipped in his drink? But, to be fair, altitude sickness can be very real and mixing that with booze, even a little bit, can lead to a shit show. 

I get that you’re upset and this situation scared you. It would scare me too! But most of the stuff doesn’t sound like your husband’s fault. He’s probably scared by the situation too. 

Post # 11
47203 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

He overreacted to 4 to 5 beer and you are overreacting to the whole incident. People make mistakes. When you make yours (as simple as this one), I hope he can simply forgive you,

Post # 12
4823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

annonbee857 :  Altitude and dehydration are, I think, major factors here, and the fact that stadium security way overreacted.   From what you have said his body reacted in a way he could not have foreseen.  You were put through a ridiculous run around by the hospital staff too.   

Be kind to him.  Since this was out of character he is probably feeling bewildered.  Your understanding will go a long way.  Big hugs to you.

Post # 13
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Vineyard Lake

Like PP have said, this really sounds to be out of character & most likely won’t happen again. 

I’m sure he is also kinda nervous/stressed about the baby. More so of him being a good father.

Cut the guy some slack. He surely didn’t do any of this on purpose. 

Just remember there may come a time that you have a lapse in judgment, make a mistake or just need your husband to be understanding about something. You guys have a whole lifetime ahead of you. Things are gonna happen, good & bad. This really doesn’t sound too terrible in the grand scheme of things.

Post # 14
7772 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Comments are kinda harsh. Imagine if you were newly pregnant and just spent the previous day driving all over a town to different police stations and hospitals looking for your husband whom none of his friends had any idea where he might be and who wasn’t responding to calls/texts. I think most peopel would get pretty freaked out and panicked by this situation and it would take some time to calm down. Add into that the fact that he still hasn’t contacted you to explain wtf happened and see how you’re doing with all of this? That might make me madder than anything else. Why didn’t he call at 1am after his brother picked him up? I can’t believe this all happened a day ago and you still havent’ really talked to him. 

In terms of how to move on…well you need to have a real heart to heart with him and see if you can get to the bottom of this. He has receipts for 4-5 beers but that doesn’t mean that’s all he drank…other people could have bought him rounds too. He needs to fully understand what he put you through and show appropriate remorse. Then I would be inclined to move on since this sounds more like a one-off that got hideously out of control as opposed to a repeat behavior of his.

Post # 15
2452 posts
Buzzing bee

Surely detox did blood work to check his BAC and/or figure out what drugs he might have in his system?  I can’t imagine holding/treating someone in a medical/detox facility without that, in this situation.   If so, that should shed some light on his actual alcohol consumption or if he took anything else (either knowingly or unknowingly.)

is his wallet missing too? If so, don’t forget to cancel any credit cards.  Guessing it is, since his ID is missing.

also – is there’s any chance one of his friends might have thought it would be “funny” to slip him something?  

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