Post # 1
Regular Bee going anon as my main account has too many identifying features *TRIGGER WARNING*
I dated my ex for five years and we were going to get married. Unfortunately it got pushed off because of my family issues and we planned to do it later. In August, I found out that I was pregnant which was really stressful for me, because I’m a student and come from a very strict family. I also didn’t know how my ex would react so I didn’t tell him for fear of stressing him out as he was pretty stressed out from work. I really wanted to figure things out and a game plan before telling him. Unfortunately I miss carried the baby about two weeks after I found out I was pregnant and never told him. I thought since there was nothing I could do to change it, there was no reason for him to be sad or hurt by what happened. A little while after this, I went to a party and someone slipped rohypnol (roofies) into my drink and I was raped that night. As someone who comes from a very conservative background and family, I was extremely scared of calling the cops and going public because I didn’t want the community or my family to ever find out. I was severely depressed and made plans to kill myself, and really thought I was going to go through with it
I didn’t want my ex to be affected so I made him believe I cheated on him and that we were over for good so he would never find out. We have no friends in common and he lives a bit far so I never thought he would find out. After my suicide attempt, I ended up in the hospital where I survived and was kept for a week.
I finally came clean to my ex about what happened but I do not know if he will ever forgive me. We had an amazing relationship and were truly meant to be together, we planned to get married and basically lived together on the weekends. We shared so much and I can never let him go. I never cheated on him and never would, he was my entire life.
When I told him, he didn’t completely believe me and said he needed time and space to figure out what he wants. He said he hoped to trust me one day but doesn’t know if it will work out. He said he doesn’t know what he wants right now and doesn’t have an answer right now and needs space to realize what he wants.
I just don’t know if I can salvage this relationship and fix whatever happened. He says he hopes I can be the same person I was when he fell in love with me and that he wished the last three months never happened, because it would be a lot easier to fix things. sometimes he says things like I will never look at you the same, and I have no feelings for you and then he says things like I just need time and space and I hope I can trust you again. He was upset that I kept texting him when he asked for space but now I’ve been only texting him whenever he messages me first now. He has been on a few dates with another girl but says they aren’t dating, but I’m not sure what is going on.
I just want to know what to do to fix things and have him trust me again and if that’s possible. He keeps saying he wants me to be happy and heal and that he wants to trust me but it’s not that simple. He is coming to see me on sunday and I don’t know what to say or how to act to make him realize I’m the same person I have always been. Advice would be greatly appreciated!
Post # 2
Im very sorry that happened to you, and for his reaction. if you were “truly meant to be” with him you would be. I think his reaction to you was asshole-ish. I would not go chasing your past, I would look forward.
Post # 3
Do you really want to be with someone you can’t lean on during tough times? Someone you who you feel you can’t tell things because you are afraid of thier reaction?
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. I think now is the time to focus on yourself, not getting back your ex.
Post # 4
this is tough because he believed for a number of weeks that you cheated on him. He went from thinking you were going to get married, to you breaking up with him and telling him you cheated and ‘it was over for good’ to getting in touch and explaining that it was all a cover story. You both are all over the place right now, it might be best to give yourselves some time to think about everything then maybe meet to talk about it in person rather than texting.
Post # 5
Unfortunately you were the one who sabotaged your relationship. You lied to him, he has every right not to trust you anymore. You say he was your whole world, but yet you were unable to open up to him about these MAJOR things…your pregnancy, miscarriage, suicide attempt…those are all such significant things to not tell your significant other. I know you want him back, but you have many, many issues to work out on your own first, and you truly have to give him space to figure out where he wants to go with this.
Post # 6
what happened to you was horrific. But you felt you couldn’t tell your ex, you felt that the better alternative was to say you had cheated. If you were meant to be and the relationship was as good as you thought, you’d have been able to tell him what happened to you, even still keeping it from your community. You need to be with someone who you can tell everything, good and bad, to.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry about what you’ve been through.
I think that maybe he is not the right person for you. If he was you would have felt more comfortable in telling him about the pregnancy, miscarriage and rape. The traditional marriage vows talk about sickness and in health and good times and bad. You felt that you could trust him with the difficult stuff. That says a lot. His subsequent reaction to what you told him after your attempted suicide says a lot too. Sometimes too much happens to go back to where you were. It seems like you both want to go back instead of facing up to what happened and working for a better more honest relationship. That won’t work.
I think you are better off exploring some therapy for yourself and working on dealing with the trauma you have had. If it’s really meant to be it will happen in the future.
Again I’m sorry that this happened to you. xx
Post # 8
You need to spend some time alone.
Im sorry about the terrible things that happened but I don’t think there is a fix to this. If my ex admitted to cheating on me then told me it was a lie there would be no going back from that for me.
Post # 9
I agree with all of this.
Mand I’m also sorry for all you’ve been dealing with, OP.
Post # 10
no my friend. There is no salvaging what had no true foundations to begin with.
You couldn’t tell him you were pregnant with his baby for fear of his reaction.
You couldn’t tell him you miscarried that pregnancy.
You couldn’t tell him you were raped.
You couldn’t tell him you were having suicidal thoughts.
Yoi couldn’t tell him you had a suicidal plan.
You couldn’t tell him you went thru with it.
This leads me to believe that, for whatever reason, you couldn’t tell him THE TRUTH. YOUR truth.
Option A) you believe you cannot ever tell anyone the truth about yourself. If this one resonates with you then you need to spend some time alone and a long time in individual therapy and grow until you feel comfortable enough in your skin that you can handle telling everyone the truth about ‘the inner world of throwawaybeee’ – especially the people you love.
Option B) you couldn’t tell him, just him, the truth about yourself. If this one resonates then, for whatever reason, you two weren’t a good match. Not for the long run. You cannot be someone else’s true love if they don’t know you – there is no intimacy if you cannot truly open up to someone.
Post # 11
You need to work on yourself before any other person, thing, or event. This should be done before ANYTHING. You shouldn’t be thinking of anything else for a while. Also, if he has decided to let the relationship go, then you need to let it go.
Post # 12
The best partner in life is someone you can speak truth to, at all times, every time.
It doesn’t sound as if you can be honest with him. I’m not quite sure I understand why you are pursuing him so ardently, after all the times you couldn’t be truthful with him. There must be men out there you could trust with your truth.
Post # 13
I see what bees are saying about him not being the right person if you couldn’t trust him enough to tell him these major, major things and maybe they are right ( he didn’t react well I do agree)
But I also wonder if this is not so much about his character but more, perhaps, that you wouldn’t have felt able to tell any man these things . If you think that perhaps had he been different, then you could have confided in him, then yes, I agree with pps. But if you went into (entirely understandable) blind panic mode , due to the fear of family and community reprisals, then maybe there is somethng left to salvage now you have told him….
I am so sorry these dreadful things have happened to you .
Post # 14
I’m really sorry about the awful things that have happened to you but I highly doubt this relationship is salvageable. You obviously were not as close with him as you claim if you were not able to confide in him about the baby or the rape. Instead you lied to him, told him you cheated on him, and then gave him weeks to move on from you before coming out with the truth. I honestly don’t think I would believe you either. I would try your hardest to move on from this relationship and just be alone for a while. You have some pretty serious issues to get through on your own before you should even begin to worry about being in a relationship. He’s dating another woman, he’s trying to move on and you really need to do the same.