(Closed) How to say “No Thank You” to a bridal shower…

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2561 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would just go with it, because you could be at risk for the dreaded “surprise” shower if you try to resist. I feel the same way as you about showers, but it seems that both families are keen to throw a shower, regardless of how I feel about it!

Post # 5
Member
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

i know you said no alternatives but what if they had a spa day for you and bought you manicures and massages and stuff instead? everyone could get one so no bows on head singled out ness and they would still get to feel like they were doing something special for you.

Post # 6
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

What about just a nice luncheon with no gifts or games?  Then could still celebrate you like they want but it would be much more low-key.

Post # 7
Member
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

no, don’t give in if you don’t want to. I felt a sense of pure dread about ours.  We ended up compromising on an engagement party, so it wasn’t all a bunch of ladies clucking and watching gift opening.  If that’s your thing, then good for you, but it’s not mine and I understand where you’re coming from, evie.  But beware – my SIL said it was an engagement party and she snuck registry information on there (that we only did for our parents, and included very practical items like serving spoons) which was alarming for both of us.  If we could do it again, we would bag it entirely.  The reasoning we heard for having a shower was “but all of your other friends had them, so should you!”.  I don’t think that punishing friends with a shower is the answer, haha.  Maybe if you tell your FMIL’s sister that you’d be ok with a shower if it was a volunteer thing, like all of the people go and help out the homeless or donate money or something like that, you’ll either divert attention entirely, or help out someone less fortunate.

Post # 8
Member
2561 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@ EvieMarie – If I said no to my and FH’s families regarding a shower I know I would be the victim of a surprise shower. I am giving in so I can set a couple of ground rules:

1- No wearing of bows on my head

2- No lingerie (if someone is determined, a gift certificate is acceptable)

3- No cheesy bridal shower games

I think that is we remove the bow wearing, and embarrassing presents it will be bearable! Do you think you could negotiate the shower so it is more “tea party” or “cocktail party” like and less shower like? 

I keep trying to hint at a couple’s “shower” that is more like a barbeque and less of a traditional shower, and I might be getting through!

Post # 9
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

I would try to trade it for something else, like an informal engagement party. I’m skipping the shower too, but I at least have geography on my side. Say you’re uncomfortable with a bridal shower, but you guys would be okay celebrating the upcoming wedding in a different, more laid back way.

Post # 10
Member
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

i have never seen bow wearing! we always take the bows and put them on a plate then add a stem to be used as the “rehersal boquet” I thought that was the norm!

also games like the taboo word/ clothespin game and stuff are for everyone and not so bad.

Post # 11
Member
3285 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Oh boy, I am sorry you’re in this situation!  Lucky for me, everyone (family, friends, etc.) were all states away and thus I escaped the shower!!

In your situation, I would tell the potential hostess these exact reasons you gave us, as watered down as you need to.  If you are honest with them, I think they will begin to budge.  And, I know you said you didn’t want an alternative really, either, it might help to do SOMETHING else to satiate their need to spend extra time with you.  Maybe a fun outing, as other bees suggested, like the spa day, or whatever is an interest for you? 

Post # 12
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I am jealous of all of you who get showers! Honestly, as someone who is getting no showers from anyone, I would say count your blessings – you have women who care for you enough to spend the time and money doing this for you. And if your groom’s family wants to throw a shower that’s even more amazing. You’re not even their daughter and they want to do something special for you. 

Post # 13
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree with other commenters on here.  Can you come to some sort of compromise?  Maybe a low-key non-traditional shower — a brunch or a lunch?  You can make stipulations for things like no games, no stupid outfits, or whatever else doesn’t jive with you about traditional bridal showers.  It seems like you can have some sort of really fun party that won’t offend your non-traditional sensibilities, while still making the family members happy by letting them host some sort of shower.

Post # 14
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

not all showers are about lingerie.  In fact, I’ve never been to a shower where anyone was given lingerie.  Most of them are kitchen items.  Plus, all the showers I have been to have been with just one side of the family.  It is very rare that your female family members and his female family members would have one shower together, at least where I’m from it is.  Most brides will have 2 to 3 showers.  One for each family and one with friends or coworkers.

I don’t know, I know you don’t want one, but maybe you should just go with it.  It could be fun.  I wasn’t that thrilled about mine, but it was nice to get together with everyone before the wedding and get to know people I didn’t know that well.  Plus, when else do people throw a shindig just for you with nice food and decorations?  So maybe just tell them you will accept a small (and short) shower and specify that you don’t want anything embarrassing.  Maybe tell them you would prefer kitchen items or household items.  And if you don’t want games tell them that’s not your thing.

Post # 15
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

what about a comprimise and not have a traditional shower? i’m not a shower person either, and i gave my wedding party specific rules about how there are to be no games. just a nice, normal meal where i happen to get lots of gifts. i will admit i’m also not looking forward to opening the gifts in front of everyone, but if it’s anything like our engagement party my fi’s 4 year old niece will help out with that and steal the show. it does suck that your family wouldn’t be able to be there, but it might be a nice way to get to know his family better.

Post # 16
Member
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

yes i think that my SIL felt obligated to do it, like i would be sad if I missed out.  however, that wasn’t the case, and she totally busted her buns all day with this party that ended up so pared down it wasn’t really even wedding related.  Maybe if your family knows that you truly, truly don’t want it and aren’t protesting to be polite, then they’ll leave it. 

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