(Closed) How to say this….

posted 12 years ago in Beehive
Post # 17
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Many of us (sometimes including myself) get caught up in wedding planning. A lot of the anticipation of having everything "perfect" for one day because so much money is spent on it is overwhelming.

Because of this, it leads us to think, "It’s my big day, I’m the bride/groom, I can do whatever I want and everything else is secondary or unimportant".

True as it is (the truth hurts!), courtesy and manners still apply. Whatever situation arises and whatever each of you decide, be sure to go about it in a smoothed out way so one will not step on too many toes (or any at all) if possible. This isn’t only for the adult reception topic, but for everything in general. 

Be very careful in your wording in conversations and especially in written documents. A lot of the original sentiment and emotion are lost in writing and they are too easily interpreted in an incorrect way which will result in anger or resentment.

I don’t have kids so I can’t fully understand the idea of leaving my children with someone I don’t know personally; however, I can completely imagine it. I can imagine how uncomfortable that may be and how much worry there can be. In that situation, I may not even be able to enjoy myself at the wedding! How awful. 

I want this to be a gentle reminder that at the end of the day, what’s really important is that we are spending the day committing ourselves to the person we love the most and that’s what counts. Everything else is sugar on the side.

 

 

 

Post # 18
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I fought the law and the law won. Mother-In-Law that is. *giggle* no, seriously the kid/no kid thing was such a big deal in a previous family wedding that several IMMEDIATE FAMILY members did not attend. So before it even became an issue for us, we just accepted the fact that weddings are family events and children no matter how young are part of the family.

For the RSVP cards, I did make a box for people to check if they needed a childs plate as our caterer can and will do a childs plate for a nominal fee.

Just my 2 cents

Post # 19
Member
17 posts
Newbee

Its not rude to not invite kids to an adult party.

When I was little, my parents went to weddings all the time without me and my siblings. They had friends that they left us with for the weekend, or when we got older, we had friends we went to spend the weekend with. Quite frankly, the weddings we did go to, I remember being incrediably bored.

So not being invited probably worked out for everyone best. 🙂 

Post # 20
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: January 2007

Not addressing the issue directly, but some perspective after a year from the wedding.

During the planning, we (hubs and I) really wanted the wedding to be about "us" and our friends. We did succeed, but in retrospect (looking at pictures and the video), I wish we had put more focus on family. Yes, some family members I barely know, but they do have ties to my parents and my in-laws, and provide a sense of history.

I wish I had done more posed family portraits because candids can’t capture everyone there. The posed ones can get the quieer relatives and friends in the picture, since the candids tend to capture the camera-loving people. Alas, one of my husband’s friends – who is a big ham and I really find tasteless – ended up in a lot of photos b/c he was always jumping in front of the camera and making faces.

As enmoore said, during the wedding-planning process, it’s easy to get caught up in the "it’s MY wedding" thinking. But afterwards, as I realized it was a rare moment to gather far flung relatives all together – I wish I had more photos to memorialize that part of the event.

Post # 21
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

Do you have a website? provide a list of sitters and sitter-services in the area… even if your guests don’t use them, it will confirm that you don’t want kids to be present.

Post # 23
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

I’m not sure why babysitter’s aren’t an option at all? You don’t have a coworker with kids, or a neighbor or another aquaintance you can’t ask to babysit a few kids?  You don’t have to pay for the sitter, but I do think providing the contact is nice.  Sitter could then charge the families an appropriate rate.

 

I agree it’s a lot to ask people to travel 7 hours without something for their kids.  I also agree a kid-free wedding, except for wedding party kids, is fine. It gets tough trying to make other exceptions though. After the wedding party kids, it kind of has to be ‘all or nothing’ IMO

Post # 24
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

Don’t feel bad at all, this is YOUR day, not a chance for parents to get entertainment and a meal for their little ones.  You don’t have to deal with the stress of little ones.  We did the same thing at our wedding.  Our flowergirl was my god-daughter, and my husband and I had practically raised her along with her parents, she was 5 and was the only one under the age of 14 at our wedding.  It was a long day for her, and she even went home about 9pm.  She ate the same thing everyone else did and it worked out fine.  If anyone asks, tell them there are venue restrictions, which there are from the sounds of it, and just explain that you are looking to have an adult only party.  Would they bring their young children to a cocktail party??  Then they shouldn’t be at your formal wedding.

One way we avoided all of the little ones was to only address the invite to their parents.  If someone RSVP’d for children, we just gave them a quick call to let them know it was adults only.  And we had people traveling from all over the country, they still came and everyone understood that Raven was bridal party, not just another child that day.

I hope everything clears up for you, and I look forward to hearing more of your wedding details!!! 

 

~Amber 

Post # 26
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Sweeney, I don’t think anyone is trying to make you feel bad on purpose and if I did so, I apologise profusely. It wasn’t my intention. I was just trying to share my thoughts and offer some advice about how to possibly go about it in letting your guests know of your decision. Everyone’s budget is different and hiring a babysitter isn’t the answer for everything. Like I said in my original post, what about just setting up alternative activity ideas you could maybe post on a website and also filter through word of mouth?

I’m not saying it’s rude of the original poster, Sweeny2Be, to not invite kids but I am just saying one may come across as rude if great care is not taken in handling the situation such as the way one may convey the message. (Hence the writing and lost sentiment stuff).

Post # 27
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

hey, I know you said you are done, but I did want to add my two cents. 

I actually wrote a post about the fact that we were not having kids at the wedding other than my nephew who is in the wedding.  I actually wanted to have them all there, Mr Corn did not.  So we got on the phone and called each and every family with children.  Now, we offered onsite babysitting for all children under the age of 1 (because we were far away from a hotel and we didn’t want people to not be able to come because they had to feed Jr.) but for all other children, parent’s were on their own to find a sitter.  We did provide a company in Newport that they could contact, but that was it.

So…why am I telling you this?  Every single parent that we called completely understood and the situation was far less dramatic than I feared it would be.  Even considering the fact that we basically held a destination wedding!  In fact, only one couple took us up on the babysitting (so you could just leave that out).  The only issue we had was a couple on Mr Corn’s side that just added their kids to the RSVP.  The did it…because Mr Corn NEVER CALLED THEM!! 

Now THAT was an issue because at that point they decided they were coming, and I would have loved to have had them there, but we had already had 12 of my friends make other arrangements and to have them there would have been unfair to everyone else.

So…stick with what you know you want…people will respect you and most likely work with you to come up with a solution.  For the most part, many of the parents got married at some point and will understand that weddings are expensive and that you have to give the same restrictions to everyone other than immediate family and attendants.

Ok…hope that helped a little.

–Mrs Corn

Post # 28
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Oh my goodness, I just want to say thank you for starting this post, because we are trying to figure out the best way to deal with this issue too, and I’ve gotten both some added perspective and some good ideas for how to handle the situation from all of the responses. I’m sorry that it hasn’t been as helpful to you, and I’m really sorry that it’s made you feel worse, but I just wanted you to know that you’ve helped others by bringing this up. Thanks to everyone for sharing your thoughts!

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