(Closed) How to say “You’re not a bridesmaid”

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I haven’t dealt with that personally, but I have a good friend that didn’t make the bridesmaid "cut" (I already had 6) and I asked her to be my "personal attendant." She loves it! She doesn’t have to buy a dress but is involved in everything. She’s responsible and can take care of a lot of the little things for me such as answering vendor questions the day of and such.

You could ask your friend to do this. Tell her you saw how smoothly her wedding ran and how you need someone who is responsible and knows what is going on that day to be able to help. If she has a special nack for something, such as doing hair, make-up, etc. you could ask her to do that and use that as your "excuse."

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Oh, this is so hard!  I’m going through something similar.  My fiance was adamant about having a small wedding party and so I only asked 4 of my friends to be bridesmaids.  I’ve definitely gotten the feeling that a former college roommate of mine is surprised and hurt that I didn’t ask her.  I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings; to be honest I thought she’d be relieved, her sister just got married in a massive blowout wedding and my friend complained nonstop about all of the things she had to do and buy for it.

I’m thinking about slipping handwritten "please join me in the bridal suite for pre-ceremony girl time!" notes into the invitations of good gal pals who aren’t in the wedding party.  I’m also considering asking some of my female friends to be our ushers, but I don’t think my former roomie would be into that (she’s very traditional and would probably find the idea of a female usher weird). 

I like LittleBear’s "personal attendant" idea (personally I’m bossy and would love a role like that :-)) — but think carefully about how your friend would feel about it before you ask.  If your friend really had her heart set on being a bridesmaid, an invitation to be your "personal attendant" could easily come off as "you don’t get to be a bridesmaid and stand at the alter with me, but you do get to be my personal servant for the day!"  

Post # 5
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Have her do a special reading at the wedding or the guest book table passing out programs.  And get her a corsage.

Imho however, There’s no reason btw why you can’t have an extra bridesmaid.  Rules are a bit more relaxed these days and the last groomsman can walk two girls down aisle with him in center!  I saw that recently.

Much better than hurting somebody’s feelings over it. 

Post # 6
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

MelissaB is right on considering if she would be hurt by this. I’m close with my PA, but not close enough to have as a bridesmaid. Plus I’m making it more of "I need you there and I can trust you to help me out with things my ‘girly’ bridesmaids will be too busy to do" and she is flattered by the idea. She had never heard of it and thinks I created it special for her, which is sorta true. I’m not sure your friend would feel the same, so think about it.

Also, I may have one more bridesmaid than my fiance and it’s ok. You know her best and know what will make her mad and what will make her feel included. This is your wedding and make sure it’s what you want. BUT it is just one day. It’s not worth ruining a good friendship!

Post # 7
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

I would not go the guestbook route–haven’t you seen the SATC where Miranda gets relegated like a reject to the guest book?

Perhaps frame it against her recent wedding, like you’re just trying to do her a favor by not dragging her into the madness of wedding planning again. Or just be honest and say you’re trying to keep things small but can’t wait to have her at the wedding. She’ll be a little hurt I’m sure but I don’t think this is something that ruins friendships.

Post # 8
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Is there a specific reason you only want to have 4 bridesmaids? As some of the others have mentioned, there’s no reason your BM/GM counts have to match exactly. I’m having one more person on my side of the wedding party than my fiance, and we’ll just have one of the guys walk with two ladies on his arms instead of one. I’ve seen this done at many other peoples’ weddings and it doesn’t look odd at all. Could be worth considering, especially if you think your friendship will suffer if you don’t ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

Post # 9
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I have to say again..about the guestbook, I did that for a gf of mine and she knows how detail oriented I am and I also handed out the programs. She had a lovely corsage for me, and I sang at the wedding also.  She had me listed as "lifelong friend" in the program book.  I know the reason why I wasn’t a bridesmaid..I was a close friend of hers, but not one of her sisters and not her bff.  Plus it was gonna be an odd number. 

I was in no way offended and glad I didn’t have to buy another dress b/c unless it’s a navy, hot pink, black I won’t wear it again.  Being truthful.

Never did that ever influence the way I feel about my friend.  We’re still friends.  Not an issue.

What IS an issue is how you handle it.   

Post # 10
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree with Chrissy M and I’ll say again there’s no reason today why you can’t make it work with an odd number of bm’s.

I’ve had friends do both.  One bride wanted even numbers.  One bride/friend didn’t care.

It’s up to you.  But HOW you show you value your friend is what is important here and how she feels. 

No rule is right.  Just how it makes your friend feel and could your day impact your friendship forever.  That’s what you have to decide.

I wish you well and lots of love.  Again, today there aren’t many rules or etiquette regarding number of bridesmaids.  it’s a complete  and you can have free reign as the bride to make your day YOURS. 

Only thing I see that’s a bit much or odd is like having sixteen bridesmaids or something..just a bit excessive.  I have seen as many as 12 in my day. 

Post # 11
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I say just make her a bridesmaid.  Why do you really have to have only four?  It sounds like she’s got her heart set on it and no, of course that doesn’t obligate you, but I don’t think that a number should be the only thing holding you back on this one.   So if that’s your only reason, personally I think you need to reassess.  If there’s another reason, maybe you can try to explain that to her or involve her in some other way as others here have suggested.

Post # 12
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

Is there a reason that you must only have 4 Bridesmaid or Best Man. If it’s because your Fiance is only having 4 I think you should go with 5. She’s a good friend, prepared to be in the wedding and it’s not like your wedding party is huge. I have seen it with uneven numbers for each side and I think it’s pretty neat. If you still don’t want her I think asking her to be your assistant is a good idea. Like Little Bear said, let her know how great her wedding was and that you really need someone that can be there for you that day. You could treat her as house party and still have her wear the same color dress as your Bridesmaid or Best Man. I would say that she is going to be hurt. Just be honest. 

Post # 13
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

Also, maybe think of a better name than personal assistant. She may think that is a little rude.

Post # 14
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Just my two cents, but if I were you, I’d weigh the reasons for having 4 bridesmaids vs. 5 bridesmaids and see if these reasons are more important than potentially damaging a friendship.  Even though people shouldn’t "expect" to be bridesmaids, she may feel slighted since she included you as a bridesmaid recently on her special day.

The bottom line though is that you know your friend and the situation better than anyone, so trust your heart!  Good luck!!

Post # 15
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Well, I think you probably made the right choice, because her actions have been kind of rude. It’s definitely not okay to come out and ask someone if you’re in their wedding. But that said, if you really were torn between her and the other girl, why not just have five bridesmaids? I’ve been to lots of weddings where there is a different number on each side. Trust me, no one notices or cares. The most important thing is that you have the people most important to you by your side… and if you have five important people, have them all there!

Post # 16
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Why not just have 5 bridesmaids?  Why risk hurting her feelings unnecessarily?  If you had to struggle with the choice at all, then she obviously isn’t an insignificant person in your life and if you were in her wedding, she obviously feels the same towards you.  What’s the harm in one more?

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