How to set boundaries with a friend who seems to fancy SO

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
260 posts
Helper bee

Speaking from personal experience with a former “friend” just like this, you need to protect your relationship at all costs. Since she doesn’t seem to have a natural understanding of your personal boundaries, I’d have a conversation with her first to see if she tones it down. If she doesn’t after that, then she’s blatantly disrespecting you, your man, and your relationship, and that my dear, is no friend.

Post # 17
Member
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Some things I am taking away from this: 

1. It’s good your SO has been upfront she is messaging him (that’s what I’m assuming, he’s telling you when she messages him?)

2. There is no reason for a friend to reach out to someone’s SO. It’s crossing boundaries and it’s just rude.

3. Speaking from personal experience in college, I would cut her out. I have a friend that always went after people’s boyfriends almost as a sport. 

4. Personally, I would want my SO to stop messaging back. Sometimes that’s the only way to get the message across. 

Post # 19
Member
623 posts
Busy bee

I think he needs to be firm with her that her actions are disrespectful to your relationship, the time for being ‘polite’ and gentle are over because she’s clearly not getting the point. 

Post # 20
Member
2141 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree. I wouldn’t necessarily talk to her just yet, but your SO needs to set some boundaries. He should stop responding to her on social entirely and tell her to stop when she gets touchy with him.

I’d tell him you’d prefer that as well because he may be a bit worried about being rude to your friend. It’s a really awkward situation for him to be in. 

Post # 21
Member
3948 posts
Honey bee

sarah156 :  Ack! Sounds so weird unless they were super good friends before? I have male friends that I message but I don’t flirt or hang on their arm. So weird. I’d limit contact or start by putting her on restricted for fb at least. 

My friends’ husband was weird with messages to me and like yours it wasnt horrible but something was off. I made a point to mention my friend when messaging bc at first I assumed they were on the computer together. I had to delete him bc it got too weird. Of course I told my friend about it. And he even asked me why I deleted him which was super weird. You’ll have to be equally blunt with this. If they don’t take the hint at first to have boundaries you’ll have to create them in s blunt and clear fashion by deleting ir liniting their access to you. Sucks but you have to. 

 

Post # 23
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

I think a good first step is to have your SO stop responding to her in any way. However he is in an awkward position so it’s not his job to tell your friend to back off. I really think you need to say it. You don’t even have to be rude. A simple “it makes SO uncomfortable when you do this or that ” should suffice with a friend.
If it doesn’t, and she continues said behavior then all bets are off. Once she is on notice, and she continues to be disrespectful, you will both be well within your rights to say what is necessary to get the point across, and cut her off if necessary.

Post # 24
Member
15 posts
Newbee

I have an abundance of male friends. The only male friend I’ve ever ‘flirted’ with/have grabbed or hung on to their arm was the one I had feelings for. He was single at the time so he was fair game (he’s mine now so I no longer need to hide anything!). It’s not ok and she should know that by now. She’s either entirely clueless or doesn’t care about how this impacts either you or your relationship. 

 

ETA – either way. She’s your friend. You need to talk to her and let her know what she’s doing and how it comes across. 

Post # 25
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I had this happen twice.  One was a  female neighbor who would come down to visit my husband, while I was working. I’m a nurse, and work shift work.  I didn’t like it, and told her don’t visit my husband alone, while I’m not there.  Another was good friend, who we all ride Harley’s together, she wanted to go riding, with my husband, if I was working.  For some reason, my gut told me no.  I told her although i trust her, it would bother me.   Done, and done.  Be direct.

Post # 26
Member
399 posts
Helper bee

elderbee :  Yeah, sorry you’re right, I didn’t acknowledge that she clearly knows that might be the issue.

Post # 27
Member
594 posts
Busy bee

Having an issue with her “going out of her way to talk to him” is odd to me. I have a lot of time on my commute to read different things, and if I see something relevant to one of my friends husbands or boyfriends, I will go out of the way at the next party or get together to talk to him about it. Usually my friend is next to their husband/bf, but oftentimes they have no interest in us talking about the latest Space X launch that I know her husband followed, for example.

It sounds like there are some things here that are odd (constant messaging on social media) and other things that maybe aren’t as suspect or concerning as you are making them out to be. Before you talk to her about it or take any action, I would try to remove your emotions from the situation, and only bring up issues that are really and truly concerning/worrisome. Going in with one or two really strong points, is better than bringing up every little issue and will make your feelings more clear and addressable.

Post # 28
Member
705 posts
Busy bee

If she has the balls to flirt with your SO, you need to grow a pair and tell her it’s concerning and to knock it off. Same with him. He can speak up as well if he’s bothered by it. It’s not hard or impolite to say “the things you say/your actions make me uncomfortable.”

Post # 29
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

I think he shouldn’t have been answering her messages in the first place. If her flirting makes him uncomfortable he should just avoid contact with her in my opinion. 

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