Post # 17
@blustarlet15: I’m all for pre-marital counseling for everyone! And I think that it’s a really good sign that you’re recognizing this and want to work on it.
I know that I have a tendancy to snap at my husband. He has a tendancy to speak to me in a tone that sounds like he thinks I’m an idiot. Neither of us does this on purpose. I’m not really mad at him. He doesn’t think I’m an idiot. But we all have our off days.
The biggest thing I try to do is express how much I love my husband and how awesome I think he is on a very regular basis. That way, even if I get snappy at some point, it’s still drastically outweighed by my positive comments.
When we’re being pissy with each other I try to stop talking about the issue and talk about how we’re communicating. I might say “Let’s talk about XXX some more in a minute, but first – are you mad at me? Because it feels likeke you’re mad at me. If you’re mad at me we should talk about that. If you’re not mad at me, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use that tone as it makes me defensive.”
Post # 18
@blustarlet15: I can get this way too sometimes and I try so hard not to… For me, personally, I guess I need to realize that when I ask him to do something, it’s because it’s something that I want done right now, but he has his own schedule in his head (maybe??) for when it could get done. Just because the two don’t line up doesn’t mean it won’t get done. But then I remember the times when it really doesn’t get done, so then I go back to wanting it done right now. 🙂
Or there’s things that are recurring “household issues” that just don’t ever stop, and I feel myself slipping into that ‘nagging wife’ role. For example, 9 times out of 10 when he shaves his face, he’ll leave those tiny little whiskers all over the sink/counter. I ask him time and time again to grab a Lysol wipe and just wipe down the whole counter/sink when he does it, but it doesn’t happen. It either stays there until I finally complain about it or wipe it up myself (which puts me into the crabby “not my mess, I shouldn’t have to clean it” mood) or he’ll [email protected] wipe it up.
Or things like leaving the eggs and milk out on the counter after breakfast for half an hour, etc…..
Is it things like this that you’re talking about or more intense/mean situations? It’s usually just me getting annoyed that things aren’t done the way I want – but I try to keep it in check.
Post # 19
I get snappy when I have a lot on my plate or when I’m stuck in my head and don’t want to be disturbed. Usually I notice how I’m acting and will go straight to one of my notebooks and write out my feelings (it’s like abstract poetry) and try not to take it out on him.
Fiance treats me like a queen but gets grouchy every once in a while.
You know, I have been in relationships where I’ve been short with my partner and I just feel like that has no place here in this relationship with Fiance. I really think pre-marital counseling would benefit you…I feel like there is some underlying issue or resentment here…maybe not, but I just don’t think this should be an issue.
Post # 20
@E_Lynne615: Yup, those are exactly the things I mean. Thanks for your perspective.
Post # 21
@JenGirl: I do the idiot/patronizing thing sometimes. It makes me feel so badly. Ugh.
Post # 22
Unrelated: How do I respond to more than 1 bee at a time?! #n00b
Post # 23
@blustarlet15: Just press reply, type what you need to say and then press reply again to another Bee before submitting your post.
In your situation I think you would both benefit from premartial counseling. We took it just becuase we had to, but would have opted for it anyway. It sounds like you guys have a communication gap that needs to be taken care of, especially when it comes to chores.
Post # 24
@blustarlet15: I think it really helps to admit when you’re not being so nice.
I’ve been short lately and I’m getting a lot of stress get to me. Sometimes I’m a complete jerk without meaning to, especially with the sarcasm thing.
Something that I got as an assignment from a therapist once was to tell myself x amount of times every day for 30 days straight “I will not call SO names, I will not call SO names”–stuff like that. I realized my reaction to a lot of minor things did not match my response to them and that I had to work on scaling it down a lot. Because the way you end up making your SO feel about themself is not worth you trying to get a point across if it involves berating them.
It helps to try to slow down your thoughts a little…I know I can got a lot of negative thoughts that come in really fast.
When my SO does things like forgetting to throw away empty cartons of milk, leaving empty boxes of frozen food everywhere around the kitchen, and leaving a puddle of water outside the tub almost every time he takes a shower, I tend to do one of two things…either I take care of it myself or I’ll just say to him in a normal speaking voice that he forgot again and can he please try to remember.
Post # 25
@blustarlet15: I sometimes feel cranky for no particular reason, and I have to CONSCIOUSLY make the decision not to take it out on SO. Sometimes it may even be because he said or did something that annoyed me but isn’t worth the fight. Why ruin both our days by arguing?
Instead of pointing out that he’s sitting on the couch, why not say ‘I’m just ducking out for an hour, would you mind [insert chore here] while I’m gone?’. Saying it the other way just points out that you think he is lazy, and also sounds like something a parent would say. If I were him, I wouldn’t feel part of a partnership.
I think we can all tend to get a bit nitpicky at times, but take a breath and have a think about what you’re going to say before you say it. Ask yourself if it’s REALLY worth a fight, or making your Fiance feel like crap. Chances are, it’s probably not. Think about how you have that same kind of control at your workplace. You wouldn’t tell your boss you think he/she is lazy, or a dickface, or talk to them like a smartass. So why is it okay to be that way to the closest person to you?
Post # 26
@blustarlet15: I know what you mean. I think it’s because, in every other setting, you have to be ‘nice’ and polite even if you’re having a crap day or in a bad mood – like, you have to be nice at work or school, to your friends, etc. It’s a sign that you’re secure with your partner that you don’t feel like you have to be on your best behaviour and you can let your guard drop.
Sometimes I come home and for whatever reason I’m not in a great mood – I’m PMSing, have a headache, frustrated about job searching, whatever – and I just do not have it in me to be nice. So I’ll be short with my husband because I want to be left alone. That’s been happening a fair bit lately because I’m under a huge amount of stress with job hunting and finishing my degree. I’ve just tried to make a point of apologising if I’m rude, and reassuring Darling Husband that it’s nothing to do with him, I’m just pissed off about life in general and he’s the only one I feel safe enough with that my feelings can actually come out.
Everyone gets short, annoyed, or grouchy – the key is to pick up on it before it happens and work out a strategy to deal with it, even if that is saying to your Fiance “I’m in a terrible mood, can you just give me fifteen minutes to be by myself until I feel a bit more normal?”.