(Closed) How to Stop Taking My Frustrations Out on Him?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I can definitely understand how hard it can be. I work full time at a restaurant working minimum wage, and it’s furstrating as hell. 

One thing that has helped me a lot is kickboxing. It’s a great anger release, and a great workout! Working out in general is great after a long day at work. It relaxes you and helps you stay a little bit more down to earth. 

Just remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you WILL get there! In the mean time, check out some local gyms with kickboxing. Definitely worth the investment. 

Post # 4
6 posts

dear throughthebarricades, well, job is very important, it means indipendence and fulfilment but your relationships and private life are… your life! I usually do this: before entering the door of my house I imagine myself taking off the professional mask and I leave it outside the door, to be taken again the morning after. sometimes it’s easier, sometimes quite hard, but with me it works (I had to pratice a lot!!) And there is one thing I never never do: I do not take for granted my dear ones, they are my love, my support, the preciuos gift I’ve been given.

take care  

Post # 5
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s natural to lash out at the ones who love us when we’re frustrated over something else, especially something that we feel we can’t yell at or can’t control. We know those loved ones will forgive us, and it feels good to vent. But it does not make for a healthy relationship, and you should give yourself a little credit for at least realizing you have a potential problem point in your relationship.  It’s not fair on your SO to take your frustrations out on him, and you’re right— you do risk driving him away.

All the usual advice applies here– take time for yourself, leave the work stress at work, maybe even do some couples counseling to help build better relationship skills.  

One thing that may be incredibly helpful would be to take the Myers-Briggs Personality Test. This is basically a series of very vague questions that have no “right” answer; your answers are analyzed to determine your basic personality type, communication style, and stress responses.  Ideally you’d take this under the supervision of a counsellor who knows how to interpret the results and, more importantly, teach you how to apply the results to your day-to-day life. Perhaps the most helpful part of the test is learning how to identify that you are heading into a stress spiral, and to see that your communication style is breaking down. When you see these triggers starting to happen, you can stop and make a concious effort to not fall into your normal bad communication behaviors. It really helps you to learn how to express what is upsetting you without doing so in a hurtful or overly emotional way.

These tests are real eye-openers and the skills you learn will help you not just in your personal life but also in your career.

Post # 6
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Yoga does wonders for keeping you calm. Do you journal- would it work out to write all your job frustrations down? What if you gave yourself a timer- “I’m going to take one minute to vent to you about work, then I’m done complaining for the day.”

I understand your situation- early 2011 I was in a wretched work situation- I would come home from work and cry, one of the most miserable professional experiences I’d ever had. And it affected my relationship with my now DH (thank God he stuck it out!)

Can your work assignments change/is there another department you can transfer to? Different projects you can work on?

If you can’t change what you’re doing in your current job, then it may be time to start looking for something else.

Post # 7
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

my advice is to set mutually agreeable times when you can vent about your work situation. (make sure he knows what venting is– all he does is listen, not try to fix it). that way he won’t be “looking forward” to you complaining every single day (or close to it, no offense). the only exception eould be if you need his advice,

i had to do this with my mother bc she also hates her job and would talk about it almost every day. now she gets 15-30 minutes on specific evenings to bitch. that way i know when it’s coming and when it will be over and i don’t have to worry about negativity bombs in the mornings or on off days

Post # 8
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Well, your situation doesn’t sound terrible (good money, decent coworkers) so that’s a plus. It sounds to me like most of the frustration comes from feeling like you’re stagnating. You have an idea of what you want, but right now it feels like a dream, not a goal, and you don’t see yourself getting closer to it.

So I think what you should do is sit down and make a plan. If your goal is to have your own company, do a timeline. Figure out the financials, and what you’ll need in savings and capital. Make a business plan.

I think if you start working toward your goal, it will make your current situation feel more temporary. Not just like that’s something you say to make yourself feel better. 

Post # 9
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I can relate to this! I’m a therapist so my job is very stressful. I’m also a gradute student working on my dissertation and getting ready to apply for an internship for next year. It’s towards the end of my program and the stress level is unreal sometime! I definitely don’t want to take things out on him and although it’s not complaining I just end up in a cranky mood and being moody with him. I try to catch myself doing it so I can stop. Sometimes I just need a little time by myself. Exercise also helps me calm down, especially long walks. 

Post # 10
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@throughthebarricades I hear you and I can relate.

For some people, it’s easy for them to seperate what they feel and how they behave.  I am not particularly good at that all the time seems like you aren’t either, maybe it’s something they can teach in therapy or something…I personally need to look into that.  But here are my suggestions for your situation:

1. You definitely need an outlet for your frustrations, period! Like other bees suggested, take yoga or kickboxing, work out, paint or do something! For me, it was a journal, write…fast, honest, and angrily, even if you cant understand the words because your writing so fast, get it all out, on paper. It helps me, maybe it will help you.

2. Set some goals for getting where you want to be professionally.  Write down all the steps that it will take to get you from where you are now to where you want to be, also write down all the obstacles.  Then write down strategic ways to acheive those steps and overcome those obstacles. Then tackle that head on.  You can get there it just takes some planning.  Maybe you need to carve out evenings or weekends to strictly focus and do research and create a business model and business plan, but the power is in your hands to make it happen.  You can do this, and it will happen, but it’s all up to you.

Take all that frustration and let it motivate you to change your circumstances, get busy planning and developing your business so that you can get out of the current situation that you are in.

Maybe if it’s an option for you then you can look into finding a new job, doing different work that you can stand doing while you continue to develop and create your own business. Good luck with everything, in time, this too shall pass.

Post # 11
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I used to be in the exact same situation as you. I had a great job, but would complain to my (then boyfriend, now DH) about projects or people that pissed me off that day. In the end, it just brought us both down. Until one day he said something to me that changed my entire prospective. The short version is this:

“Quit Bitching or Do Something About It”

The longer version is: he didn’t want to listen to me moan and complain about something day in and day out. So I had two choices. I could continue in my current situation and just not complaing about it to him anymore, or I could do something to change my situation, and he would listen to my plans/trials/and tribulations while I work to make my situation better.

It was a lightbulb moment. Live is too short to be miserable. You are in control of your own destiny. I took a little bit of both approach: I stopped dumping my days problems on him and instead focused on telling him what made me happy that day, and I set goals and worked to make my career life happier.

In the end, we both benefitted from his swift kick in my rear!

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