How to stop the bickering cycle?

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

Charliejeorge :  My husband and I are polar opposites so we don’t see eye to eye about a lot of things. But one thing we do have a lot of, is compassion for each other. Compassion enough to care about what the other’s opinion is and not hold that opinion against them. You have to trust that your partner has your best interest in mind and is open to listening. When you know that and say it to each other, it helps you both to feel more secure in expressing yourselves in a non-defensive way because there is no judgement. It is important to apologize to each other when you know you have been too harsh. 

Also, stress does tend to push a lot of those buttons so just hang in there. Right before the wedding is such a tough time. You guys have to acknowledge that and say yes, I am stressed out and more prone to snapping and that’s not your fault. That admission in itself should take some of the edge off when discussing things that you usually bicker about. 

Post # 3
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee

My husband and I have a dedicated date night – tacos on Thursday.  It’s a time we know we’ll always have to sit down and hang out, and/or talk about whatever’s on our minds.  It really helps.

We also call each other out on when we’re being pissy.  He asks why I’m being a bitch, and I ask why he’s being an asshole.  We don’t get offended because we only get this “straight” with each other when it’s called for, and it usually snaps us out of whatever mood we’re in and gets us to actually TALK about the issue instead of trading barbs with one another.  He’s really good at not letting me stew, he really encourages me to tell him what’s going on, even when I’m being horrible to him, LOL.  It’s a give and take and honestly it takes practice, but you can get there if you maintain an ope line of communication and real honesty.

Post # 4
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Charliejeorge :  Every time you think about picking …. dont. Communicating effectively is key. Put your energy into giving a nice gesture. It’s ok to let your fiancé know something bothers you but without being mean. 

 

Post # 7
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee

Learning to communicate your feelings in a respectful way always helps. For example, if you know you are PMSing or stressed from work, and that’s probably the reason you’re aggravated, just say so. Give each other a heads up and whatever space you need to work things out with yourself. If you are constantly fighting over the same things and they keep coming up you might be really fighting about some bigger underlying issue that you’re not resolving. Couples counseling could be good for you to work that out.

Post # 8
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

If its general bickering over small stuff I would say work on your internal thought patterns.

My husband is kind of messy so when we moved in together I made a point to draw lines on the important stuff and then learn to let other stuff go. So when I see his dirty clothes on the floor 5 feet from the hamper – I used to think “would it kill you to just put them in the damn hamper???”… and Ive reconditioned my thoughts to think “My husband does a lot around the house, picking up clothes takes 30 seconds and I dont mind doing it for him”. And if Im mad at him… I dont pick them up LOL.

It sounds silly but I would say both of you work on your internal narratives. The stories we tell ourselves in our head make a big difference on whether we build up resentment or live in peace.

Post # 9
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

Charliejeorge :  YES- you really feel the weight of the relationship right before the wedding. Like everytime you disagree you think, “OMG are we going to fight about this forever? Can I deal with this forever? What if nothing changes? AHH!!!” Everything seems so much more extreme. But it’s those times that are actually the most important for you guys- it shows you how much you really love each other when you can come together and reach an understanding even when you’re stressed. That kind of love lasts a lifetime!! 

Post # 11
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Charliejeorge :  it’s great that you recognize it – I can be the same way bc of my parents so that was a factor in me being with abusers in the past. I’m extra careful in how I communicate!

I think your awareness of trying to fix it is awesome. 

Post # 14
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2020

My fiance and I have begun counseling and what works for us is taking a TIME OUT. You can’t communicate effectively when you are flooded with emotions. Both partners have to commit to take a time out, agree on the amount of time (no more than two hours) and then restart the conversation with cooler heads. The trick is to recognize early when you’re triggered and to STOP before it gets worse. Do not respond (this is the hard part lol but you gotta do it) just say hey I think we need a time out for 15 minutes, is that okay?  If you reconvene and still are bickering, another time out. It’s worked wonders for us.

 

Second tip is when someone says something triggering ask them “Can you please rephrase that?” That signals to the speaking party that they expressed an idea in an offensive tone and to choose different words to avoid hurt feelings and miscomunication. Also has helped immensely! 

 

Good luck!

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