How to stop the bickering cycle?

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
2791 posts
Sugar bee

I want to say that I think it’s great that you are looking for outside opinions on this because it is a tough situation.  And little things and bickering, can lead to bigger things and resentment.

I also think tensions can rise before a wedding because it is a big deal.  

 

What are some of the things that you are bickering about?

 

 

 

Post # 18
Member
2791 posts
Sugar bee

If this is not normal for your relationship, than I’m sure that a lot of this is stemming from nervousness leading up to the wedding.

I think the timeout concept is good.  Or you both have to be willing to work on your reactions when these tense moments arise.  We tend to go into defense mode, when we really need to learn to listen to the other side more.  

I’m not picking on your SO, but closing the blinds at night is not some crazy concept.  Maybe your feelings are irrational, but it will put you more at ease to have them closed.  You would think that he would want to calm your fears.

I would express that to him.  “I understand that you want the blinds open all day and night, but I would feel much more relaxed and at ease if we closed them once it got dark.  I understand my feelings might be somewhat irrational, but it would help put my anxious mind to rest if I didn’t have them open.”

You aren’t telling him his feelings are wrong, you are just trying to express yours.  In this case, it makes more sense to compromise on your feelings than his.  

And maybe he did tell you the name, but maybe he mumbled or maybe you didn’t hear him at all.  I don’t think it was right that he snapped at you over it, but obviously he felt slighted because he thought he told you, but then you said his mom did. 

I would say to him “I didn’t mean to make you feel slighted in the thank you note situation.  I understand that you tried to tell me the correct name, but I didn’t hear it.  I was just happy that your mom verified it for me because I didn’t want to offend your family member by sending a card with the wrong name.”

In this situation, I would apologize by taking the blame.  You didn’t necessarily do anything wrong by not hearing him.  But I would make him feel at ease that you appreciate that he tried to tell you, but there was some type of miscommunication at that moment.

 

 

 

 

Post # 19
Member
2791 posts
Sugar bee

The biggest and most important takeaway from my years of therapy is understanding that everyone’s feelings (no matter how irrational) are VALID.  

You cannot tell someone that they can’t feel a certain way.  You just have to be willing to listen to them and to try to help make them feel more secure.

Post # 21
Member
2117 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

If my husband is really pissy, I tend to react to his mood and get pissy myself for him being pissy! So, I have learned to just walk away. Do something fun for myself and let him get out of his mood. Sometimes its just because he’s tired or hungry (yes, like a toddler), so if he eats or chills for a second he pulls himself out of the mood. If I get pissy, my husband gives me my space and calls me on it. Him saying something immediately pulls me out of the mood, so I’ve asked him to say something. Saying something to him, just makes him madder. But I don’t want to react to it, so I just walk away. He realizes that’s what’s happening and usually will come back and talk to me when he has settled down. 

Post # 22
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee

Charliejeorge :  you tell him your feelings respectfully, and that sets him off? OP, you can’t do anything to diffuse people who behave irrationally. If I were you I would not marry this person, not without some serious counseling. 

Post # 23
Member
1224 posts
Bumble bee

Charliejeorge :  Fighting can be cyclical. So you have a fight but then feel bad, which makes you extra sensitive to any issues…which you then fight about…and the moment you feel ok he isn’t so he starts a fight….then he feels better but you don’t so you start one…just goes on and on. 

The best advice I have to combat this is break out of the cycle by doing something extremely thoughtful for him just because, even if you don’t feel like it. Give him a full body massage. Make his favorite treat. Get tickets to an event he would enjoy. Get him a card and write a note about how much you appreciate him in it. Have a gift delivered to his work if you think that would be good. Do something surprising and loving and he will be in the mood to do something for you. And then you will enter into a cycle of kindness. 

Post # 25
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

Being pissed off by the other person being pissed off is real!!!

If these things are minor, I’d say it’s probably because of the wedding stress.

Also, try to let go of stuff. For example, I learnt to keep positive and not dwell on negativity, keep doing my thing if my husband is acting like a diva.

He does the same for me. It works that way. Otherewise, life would be unbearable. 

Post # 26
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee

All in being mindful and not reactive. I was always attacked by my ex, so I’d feel uncomfortable  and on edge if I felt conflict. 

After him, I learned to ignore stupid little things and be mindful of my words and responses. With my fh, we never bicker, ever. It’s a whole different dynamic but we are also very respectful and kiND intentionally. 

Post # 28
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

Oh, I think it’s a skill you can develop overtime. At the beginning of our marriage, as we started living together after marriage I asked if he was okay, or what was wrong whenever he was sort of cranky. Then, I realized whenever he asks me those questions, reassuring it has nothing to with him for example really didn’t help me get out of my rut at all.

Then, my husband also teases my behavior in the morning, I’m really not a morning person and I tend to frown a lot simply because I woke up. He makes fun of that face I make and it’s no longer an issue between us.

My aunt told me before marriage not to see what I saw and not to hear what I heard all the time. I realize she was kinda right. 

Post # 29
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee

Charliejeorge :  

Could it be you are just getting tired of having to walk on eggshells around the men in your life? You mentioned your dad was a hot head, I feel like you could be marrying someone just like him. Listen, we all have shitty days, days where we don’t feel our best. You can’t be the only one who is holding yourself together and expect your marriage to work. 

I think I started calling him out on more stuff because I dont want to be the girl who’s husband talks to her in a crappy way. 

Post # 30
Member
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

No advice, but thank you for starting this thread because I needed it. Darling Husband and I rarely fight, but it’s been a stressful time at work for both of us, so it’s been a concerted effort to not take it out on each other. I put the Christmas stuff up this afternoon, he came home in a foul mood and was irritated I hadn’t solicited his opinion in putting it up so early, we bickered, and I sobbed for like a half hour (he apologized, so in the end it just wasn’t even for any particular reason). It quickly blew over (and I feel you on PMSing, I checked and my period is due tomorrow but I specifically didn’t mention it, ha), but some of these tips other bees shared are great. 

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