Post # 1
Hey everyone! So I had the most craziest and rockiest engagement. And Thank G-D I’m getting married in a few days!!! I can honestly say I love my fiance with all my heart and so happy we worked through everything before we got to this point.
Basically in these past few weeks leading up to the wedding.. I’ve been having these crazy thoughts that maybe he’ll cheat. Please please don’t judge and say I have problems, or its about trust etc.. Let me explain.. I had little issues with trust with him. He has never lied but there were problems between both of us. I also suffer from mild/moderate anxiety.. so maybe that’s also contributing to the paranoia thoughts. I have not had these type of thoughts before hand while dating nor really through our engagement. I guess I had too much other stuff going on. But now once there in there, it’s hard to get them out.
To answer your question.. well you must trust him.. I DO. I don’t think he would EVER do something like that. He has wanted to get married and appreciates me and has told me always and constantly that he is really lucky to have gotten a woman like me. He has respect and is not malicious and I know, I know, he wouldn’t get that far. He just wouldn’t. But, I just have that what if scenario? And then I hear A LOT of stories about a guy or girl cheating and it’s planted in my life that nothing is guarenteed. And I know I have to just accept that. But, I want to know coming into my wedding day that I will not have those types of feelings!
To add we have an amazing relationship. Our feelings our SO strong. we say I love you every single minute to each other and we are just absolutely crazy about each other. This is both our first times being in love with someone and getting married.
Can ANYONE relate? Has anyone experienced this??? I’ve talked to a professional- and she told me to just press DELETE in my mind as soon as that thought comes into play. Anyone else have other advice?? :/ I would really really appreciate it.
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Post # 2
Try not to be judgemental towards yourself about having these thoughts. I’m kind of surprised by the advice you were given to try and ignore them as, in my experience, trying to push away a thought or feeling just gives it more power. I love the saying ‘Pain x Resistance = Suffering’ because it is so simple and true.
Perhaps next time you find yourself having these thoughts, just allow yourself to acknowledge them (‘Oh, I’m thinking about the possibility of Fiance cheating again’) and then keep doing whatever you were doing before that thought came along. It may feel uncomfortable to have these thoughts, but learning to just sit with them and let them pass will bring you great peace!
Another exercise you can try is writing out every single anxious or worrisome thought you have around that particular topic on a piece of paper, and then go through them one by one and work out if they really are true, false, or you don’t know. When your thoughts include terms like always, everyone, definite etc. you’ll generally find they aren’t true because they are simply far too extreme! At the end, you can go through your answers to find the real truth to the situation.
Best of luck and congratulations on the upcoming wedding! 🙂
Post # 3
I think you just need to work on accepting that nothing in life is guaranteed — especially when it’s based on someone else’s actions. It’s not somehting you can control, so maybe work instead on what your response would be if he did cheat.
I know my Fiance well, and I know he is not the cheating type (and that he loves me dearly). I would be willing to place a bet for every asset I have that my Fiance will never cheat on me. I’m that confident. But is it still possible? Of course — nobody knows what the future may hold and what paths we might go down. I’ve done things in my life I’m not proud of, we’re all capable of making mistakes.
My Fiance and I had a very serious chat about cheating. We decided that if one of us did cheat, it would not be a deal breaker for us immediately. We said this because if it is a deal breaker — if cheating happened the cheater would always have an incentive not to confess. If the cheater recognized the cheating (or desire to cheat) as stemming from something fundamental gone wrong in the relationship, then it’s worth addressing that cause rather then the symptom (cheating). So we committed to trying to address that issue before giving up on the marriage.
It may be that the symptom (cheating) results in so many other trust-issues resulting that the relationship becomes unfixable. It may be the fundamental problem in the relationship is unresolvable. So I’m not saying we’re going to stay together regardless, but instead that we have both promised to committ to working through the problem to see if it is fixable, rather then a simple “you cheated, you’re out” policy.
For a control freak like me (who gets anxious when I can’t be in control all the time), that helps me addres the anxiety. I can’t contro him, but I can control how I respond and how I build up the notion of cheating in my head. If it’s not a be-all, end-all act but instead a workable problem, then it becomes a much smaller crisis in my head. It becomes a “that’s a problem that we’ll appropriately deal with when it arises” rather then a “that’s an end of the world problem that has no solution”.
I dunno, works for me — hopefully you can find a similar mental trick to allieve your own anxieties!
Post # 4
Awesome, thanks so so much for your advice! Will try these exercises.
Post # 5
That’s so interesting and so mature of you guys. I was contemplating about talking to my Fiance about this but wasn’t sure. I think after we get married and these thoughts are comming up, I will think I will eventually let him in on my insecurity to maybe help alleviate the anxiety. I think his response and reassurance can make a great impact. Hopefully it won’t get to that point and I hope once I’m married and we live together then it’ll be ok.
And you brought up a great point about control- I think I’m scared about the fact that I won’t know he’s cheating. Like he’ll do it for years and I won’t have a clue. Hypothetically. I think that’s my biggest concern besides the cheating- but the fact that I won’t know about it as well. But, I also know something like that always comes up. And I need to prepare for myself if it does or find ways to figure out I respond, like you said. I think I don’t give myself enough credit as to how to react to things. I think I’m scared something like that would push me over the edge ( again my anxiety).
So happy you found a way to work through a really sensitive scenario. Thanks so much for your reply..
Post # 6
My husband is the most loyal guy in the world. However, leading up to the wedding i had so many dreams that he cheated on me. I think that leading up to the wedding brings a lot of vulnerability and love. I was so close to marrying him and loved him so deeply i was so scared of something jeapordizing our wedding. Thank god the dreams went away and marriage has been more incredible than i could imagine. My deepest fear is cheating and losing a loved one so those thoughts played out in dreams. The thoughs went away naturally. Hope your wedding goes well and Hope you have a special day!!!
Post # 7
I can relate 100% and the fear of my Fiance cheating on me is still something I’m working on. My dad cheated on my mom, which ended their marriage in divorce, so it’s always been a huge fear for me. Like you, I trust Fiance completely, it’s just a fear that’s always at the back of my mind. It’s interesting that a professional told you to “delete” the thoughts because I’ve had a professional tell me the complete opposite. What I’ve been told is to recognize the fear and let it flow through me. By ignoring your anxious thoughts you only make them worse. But if you recognize and accept that it’s okay to be scared, that your fear is a perfectly natural reaction to the thought of losing someone you love, you take power over it. It’s worked for me at least.
Post # 8
Sounds like pre-wedding nerves are taking over your brain a little bit! Hope your mind calms and your wedding day is perfect.
Post # 9
So really NOTHING from your previous thread was resolved. You need to resolve the deeper issues you have. There is nothing mild about your anxiety.
Post # 10
Excuse me brideprivee- but you know nothing about my life. It is extremely presumptious to think I didn’t resolve anything. For your information I did.
And it took a lot of work from both of our parts. Am I perfect? No. Is my fiance? Nope. Am I working on myself and continuing to work on myself? absolutely.
Considering the fact that other people have felt the same speaks volumes. Maybe you’re the one that has to take a step back and stop judging and consider maybe seeing
other peoples points of view before you jump the gun and tell people what type of anxiety their experiencing or what types of problems are still occuring in their relationship.
Again being presumtious and judgemental isn’t exactly the most greatest quality either- I say take look at yourself before judging others.
Post # 11
A lot of times, an “irrational” thought about what someone else might do is really a projection of something you fantasize about doing. In other words, if you have an “irrational” fear that Fiance will cheat, it’s because you sometimes have thoughts about cheating. By this, I don’t necessarily mean that you have *serious* thoughts or that you will *act* on your thoughts. Just that you might currently or in the past had thoughts or fantasies about cheating.
Is that the case? Have you had thoughts about cheating that made you feel guilt? If so, please work on forgiving yourself. Everyone has thoughts sometimes about things they don’t actually intend to do. It’s really ok to have a fantasy life. The key is to just accept the fantasies for what they are.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t bank on the fact of things getting better once your married and living together. Usually thoughts like that (things will get better/change when we get married/have children) lead to a disastrous outcome. no one here can tell you why you’re feeling this way or how to overcome it. That’s something that you and your doctors need to work on. I’ve read your other posts and it really sounds like (to me) that youre not ready to get married. All the depression and anxiety and now thinking he’s going to cheat? It sounds like your subconscious is trying to freak you out every which way. A lot of what you’re describing sounds like a lot of what I went through with every relationship that wasn’t my DH. Anxiety, doubts, panic, depression. in my opinion, it seems like you might benefit from a step back, to focus on yourself.
I still suffer from depression but I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, if that even makes sense. I’ve never had a single doubt or anxiety about my DH. With him, everything is just right. And that is how I believe every relationship SHOULD be. Of course there are always anxieties from wedding stress. I had plenty of weird nightmares before hand. That’s normal. But when you think that you’d rather just end it, multiple times? And now you’re panicking that he might cheat?
Im sorry you’re going through this, I really want the best and happiest for you. But it seems like a month is not enough time to work out these anxieties your having before the wedding. And weddings are hard enough without the background noise.
Post # 14
Hey @katemmamarie- thanks for reaching out. I really appreciate your post, and I do appreciate the non-judgemental approach and advice because there is a way, I believe to talk to someone, especially someone online who you never even met.
I will say it like this- I have met with a marriage counselor for both of us- and there are problems with BOTH of us that were brought out. My anxiety should not be there in a relationship. What you said, it should feel right, and not feel like your always having doubts etc. Part of my doubts was a mixture of things that he was doing and probably just anxiety of having to move and getting married. But, I do believe most of my anxiety did stem from him. If I did believe I wasn’t ready to get married, I wouldn’t. I’ve talked to a few professionals, no one has stated they don’t think I should go ahead. It has to do with just being able to work on these issues. Who’s to say I can’t do that while moving forward? Me and my fiance have GREAT communication. Once we figured out these issues, he was able to realize the mistakes he’s made, and I was able to realizes the mistakes I mad.
The irrational thoughts that are coming may be nerves, may be my anxiety. It could be alot. But, I love my fiance and definitely don’t think I should put a cage up and decide for myself I can’t get married. Because it might happen with the next one.
I was also curious if anyone has any experienced these types of thoughts before. I do suffer from trust issues- and not always are these thoughts of cheating CONSTANTLY on my mind. It’s also not something I would go to the extreme to say I would be checking his phone every second, or I’m going to ask him where he is every minute. When I am with him, I am fine. I do trust him. But it does take a while to build a relationship and trust. And we’ve had our share of problems. And I’m also a nervous person! I don’t neccarsrily think thats a sign I shouldn’t get married.
Thank you for the heartfelt wishes! I really appreciate it, I do. But, I really appreciate encouragement versus the opposite where people have said I’m not healthy, or I’m not ready to get married. You have never met me in your life!
I really just wanted to know if there were other people in the same boat as me. or some helpful tips.
Post # 15
As someone who obviously doesn’t know you and obviously doesn’t know your relationship, the issues you posted about just four weeks ago were MAJOR. So much so that with 99.999% of couples things would not be magically resolved just a month later. Again, I don’t know your relationship, but from experience I know a thing or two about relationships in general and I think you’re kidding yourself if you think your relationship is fine right now. I’m not saying this to bash you or to make you feel bad; I’m not that kind of person. I’m saying this because based on this post and the one from four weeks ago, I have my doubts that your fiance and you are ready for marriage. Before you get defensive and say “you don’t know me!”, re-read your post from last month. Read how you were basically begging your fiance to be with you. Read how you say your relationship wasn’t where it used to be and how you were so anxious without him.
I get it — you love him and you don’t want to cancel a wedding just a few days prior. But girl…dig deep. Read what you put here when asking for advice. Are those issues 100% resolved? Are you 100% confident that things are where they used to be? Or are you trying to convince yourself that things will be fine?
I say this as someone who ignored some pretty blatant red flags in my first serious relationship and I begged him to come back to me and to stay with me. So much so that we almost broke up 4 times until we FINALLY did. My friends had concerns. I posted on a forum similar to this one and they shared their concerns with me. But you know what I did? I ignored it completely. I loved him too much to let him go. I thought we were meant to be. I stayed with him too long because I ignored those flags. I had gotten to the point where I had convinced myself that things were fine and that we loved each other and it would all work out. I’m SO GLAD now that we never got married, despite desperately wanting to at the time. It was easier to break up than it would have been to divorce.
If you are 110% these issues are solved, by all means walk down the aisle in a few days. If you have just an OUNCE of doubt that these issues are fixed (and honestly it sounds like you have quite a bit of doubt), I would seriously reconsider whether or not you walk down that aisle. I’m not trying to beat up on you and I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but if you are having doubts about this, NOW is the time to air those out. You can’t marry him and expect it to all be ok. Again, I don’t know you personally and I’m not pretending to know everything in your life, but this post raises a significant amount of concern.
Post # 16
I’m not saying our relationship is perfect. BELIEVE ME, neither one of us is perfect. But, neither of us are toxic or totally unhealthy here either. Yes, I get it, what I posted wasn’t healthy. NOT DENYING THAT AT ALL. But, what I’m saying is we’re doing counseling and working through it. I don’t think anyone can honestly say throw that away if the two parties are seeking help and improvement has been made. IF that wasn’t the case- then I would tell anyone to run. But that is not. I have seen concsious effort from his side to improve with the things that were bothering me ie- certain things I felt he didn’t share, or the fact he would make plans without my conscent- and I have spoken with a professional about ALL these issues. Not once did he say go the other way- THIS IS BAD. This guy wasn’t aware of his actions and he wasn’t doing it to be malicious, or controlling, he was doing it because he has never been in a serious relationship and hes 26. We’re from different cultures so we don’t date until we start in our 20’s etc..
Anyways, I totally appreciate it. But, I do think these issues are resolved. I have the ounce of doubt- ie the cheating that has come into my mind simply because of everything that has occured and probably because I just am crazy and have these crazy thoughts! I’ve asked other people and obviously people have spoken about it happening to them too! So again, it’s not fair to make assumptions about me or my relationship with my fiance.
But this is a public forum so you are obviously allowed to speak your mind, either way, i appreciate your advice. so thanks!