(Closed) How to stop these weird and crazy thoughts…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
1099 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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daysfan26:  Try not to be judgemental towards yourself about having these thoughts. I’m kind of surprised by the advice you were given to try and ignore them as, in my experience, trying to push away a thought or feeling just gives it more power. I love the saying ‘Pain x Resistance = Suffering’ because it is so simple and true. 

Perhaps next time you find yourself having these thoughts, just allow yourself to acknowledge them (‘Oh, I’m thinking about the possibility of Fiance cheating again’) and then keep doing whatever you were doing before that thought came along. It may feel uncomfortable to have these thoughts, but learning to just sit with them and let them pass will bring you great peace!

Another exercise you can try is writing out every single anxious or worrisome thought you have around that particular topic on a piece of paper, and then go through them one by one and work out if they really are true, false, or you don’t know. When your thoughts include terms like always, everyone, definite etc. you’ll generally find they aren’t true because they are simply far too extreme! At the end, you can go through your answers to find the real truth to the situation. 

Best of luck and congratulations on the upcoming wedding! 🙂

Post # 3
1416 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I think you just need to work on accepting that nothing in life is guaranteed — especially when it’s based on someone else’s actions. It’s not somehting you can control, so maybe work instead on what your response would be if he did cheat.

I know my Fiance well, and I know he is not the cheating type (and that he loves me dearly). I would be willing to place a bet for every asset I have that my Fiance will never cheat on me. I’m that confident. But is it still possible? Of course — nobody knows what the future may hold and what paths we might go down. I’ve done things in my life I’m not proud of, we’re all capable of making mistakes. 

My Fiance and I had a very serious chat about cheating. We decided that if one of us did cheat, it would not be a deal breaker for us immediately. We said this because if it is a deal breaker — if cheating happened the cheater would always have an incentive not to confess. If the cheater recognized the cheating (or desire to cheat) as stemming from something fundamental gone wrong in the relationship, then it’s worth addressing that cause rather then the symptom (cheating). So we committed to trying to address that issue before giving up on the marriage.

It may be that the symptom (cheating) results in so many other trust-issues resulting that the relationship becomes unfixable. It may be the fundamental problem in the relationship is unresolvable. So I’m not saying we’re going to stay together regardless, but instead that we have both promised to committ to working through the problem to see if it is fixable, rather then a simple “you cheated, you’re out” policy. 

For a control freak like me (who gets anxious when I can’t be in control all the time), that helps me addres the anxiety. I can’t contro him, but I can control how I respond and how I build up the notion of cheating in my head. If it’s not a be-all, end-all act but instead a workable problem, then it becomes a much smaller crisis in my head. It becomes a “that’s a problem that we’ll appropriately deal with when it arises” rather then a “that’s an end of the world problem that has no solution”.

I dunno, works for me — hopefully you can find a similar mental trick to allieve your own anxieties! 

Post # 6
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

My husband is the most loyal guy in the world. However, leading up to the wedding i had so many dreams that he cheated on me. I think that leading up to the wedding brings a lot of vulnerability and love. I was so close to marrying him and loved him so deeply i was so scared of something jeapordizing our wedding. Thank god the dreams went away and marriage has been more incredible than i could imagine. My deepest fear is cheating and losing a loved one so those thoughts played out in dreams. The thoughs went away naturally. Hope your wedding goes well and  Hope you have a special day!!! 

Post # 7
23 posts
  • Wedding: September 2016

I can relate 100% and the fear of my Fiance cheating on me is still something I’m working on. My dad cheated on my mom, which ended their marriage in divorce, so it’s always been a huge fear for me. Like you, I trust Fiance completely, it’s just a fear that’s always at the back of my mind. It’s interesting that a professional told you to “delete” the thoughts because I’ve had a professional tell me the complete opposite. What I’ve been told is to recognize the fear and let it flow through me. By ignoring your anxious thoughts you only make them worse. But if you recognize and accept that it’s okay to be scared, that your fear is a perfectly natural reaction to the thought of losing someone you love, you take power over it. It’s worked for me at least. 

Post # 8
7556 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Sounds like pre-wedding nerves are taking over your brain a little bit! Hope your mind calms and your wedding day is perfect.

Post # 9
317 posts
Helper bee

So really NOTHING from your previous thread was resolved. You need to resolve the deeper issues you have. There is nothing mild about your anxiety.

Post # 11
472 posts
Helper bee

A lot of times, an “irrational” thought about what someone else might do is really a projection of something you fantasize about doing. In other words, if you have an “irrational” fear that Fiance will cheat, it’s because you sometimes have thoughts about cheating. By this, I don’t necessarily mean that you have *serious* thoughts or that you will *act* on your thoughts. Just that you might currently or in the past had thoughts or fantasies about cheating.

Is that the case? Have you had thoughts about cheating that made you feel guilt? If so, please work on forgiving yourself. Everyone has thoughts sometimes about things they don’t actually intend to do. It’s really ok to have a fantasy life. The key is to just accept the fantasies for what they are.

Post # 12
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I wouldn’t bank on the fact of things getting better once your married and living together. Usually thoughts like that (things will get better/change when we get married/have children) lead to a disastrous outcome. no one here can tell you why you’re feeling this way or how to overcome it. That’s something that you and your doctors need to work on. I’ve read your other posts and it really sounds like (to me) that youre not ready to get married. All the depression and anxiety and now thinking he’s going to cheat? It sounds like your subconscious is trying to freak you out every which way. A lot of what you’re describing sounds like a lot of what I went through with every relationship that wasn’t my DH. Anxiety, doubts, panic, depression. in my opinion, it seems like you might benefit from a step back, to focus on yourself. 

I still suffer from depression but I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, if that even makes sense. I’ve never had a single doubt or anxiety about my DH. With him, everything is just right. And that is how I believe every relationship SHOULD be. Of course there are always anxieties from wedding stress. I had plenty of weird nightmares before hand. That’s normal. But when you think that you’d rather just end it, multiple times? And now you’re panicking that he might cheat? 

Im sorry you’re going through this, I really want the best and happiest for you. But it seems like a month is not enough time to work out these anxieties your having before the wedding. And weddings are hard enough without the background noise. 

Post # 15
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

As someone who obviously doesn’t know you and obviously doesn’t know your relationship, the issues you posted about just four weeks ago were MAJOR. So much so that with 99.999% of couples things would not be magically resolved just a month later. Again, I don’t know your relationship, but from experience I know a thing or two about relationships in general and I think you’re kidding yourself if you think your relationship is fine right now. I’m not saying this to bash you or to make you feel bad; I’m not that kind of person. I’m saying this because based on this post and the one from four weeks ago, I have my doubts that your fiance and you are ready for marriage. Before you get defensive and say “you don’t know me!”, re-read your post from last month. Read how you were basically begging your fiance to be with you. Read how you say your relationship wasn’t where it used to be and how you were so anxious without him.

I get it — you love him and you don’t want to cancel a wedding just a few days prior. But girl…dig deep. Read what you put here when asking for advice. Are those issues 100% resolved? Are you 100% confident that things are where they used to be? Or are you trying to convince yourself that things will be fine?

I say this as someone who ignored some pretty blatant red flags in my first serious relationship and I begged him to come back to me and to stay with me. So much so that we almost broke up 4 times until we FINALLY did. My friends had concerns. I posted on a forum similar to this one and they shared their concerns with me. But you know what I did? I ignored it completely. I loved him too much to let him go. I thought we were meant to be. I stayed with him too long because I ignored those flags. I had gotten to the point where I had convinced myself that things were fine and that we loved each other and it would all work out. I’m SO GLAD now that we never got married, despite desperately wanting to at the time. It was easier to break up than it would have been to divorce.

If you are 110% these issues are solved, by all means walk down the aisle in a few days. If you have just an OUNCE of doubt that these issues are fixed (and honestly it sounds like you have quite a bit of doubt), I would seriously reconsider whether or not you walk down that aisle. I’m not trying to beat up on you and I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but if you are having doubts about this, NOW is the time to air those out. You can’t marry him and expect it to all be ok. Again, I don’t know you personally and I’m not pretending to know everything in your life, but this post raises a significant amount of concern.

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