Post # 1
My neighbor and I have become close over the last few years, as we are both expats with Frenchmen – she has been married for seven or more years, and I recently got engaged after being with my man for over 5 years. She is obviously invited to the wedding, along with her husband…
Apparently my Fiance and his friend ran into the husband last night, and I guess he confessed they had separated – I knew she was going back to the US, and I knew things were rough in their marriage, but it was kinda a blow when Fiance told me! I am pretty sure she’ll come back to France (I think) but I don’t think she’ll be living with her husband next to us.
I feel awful for her, it’s so rough to change your life for someone and not have it turn out as you plan. I want to reach out, but I’m not sure she would even want to talk to me while I’m in my engagement glow. I have to admit it’s a little scary hearing about this situation considering my own, but she’s a good friend and want her to be ok. She is a professional singer and offered to sing at my wedding….do I tell her she doesn’t have to come to the wedding if it’s too much to handle? That she doesn’t have to feel pressured to sing?
I’m at a bit of a loss. Has anyone been a similar situation?
Post # 3
If you are good friends and hang out, my guess is that she may bring it up herself. Since you know she is moving back to the states, maybe you can at least talk to her about that and maybe it will open the conversation? Sometimes people don’t want to discuss it, and won’t tell people at all at first. They may also be uncertain if this is a trial seperation.
I had a friend who went through a horrendous divorce, and it was tough trying to anticipate what might upset her. Ultimately, I just told her to do what she felt comfortable with.
My policy with people offering to do things was to thank them, then see if they brought it up again. Was she going to sing a song, in which case your planning can flexibly include her or skip it if she doesn’t want to do it, or was she going to be the band in lieu of a dj/band?
Post # 4
@justelope: She was just going to sing a song or two at the cocktail hour, totally not a problem to cross it out.
I’m not surprised because she did mention how unhappy she was and houw she was considering getting out of the country to give herself a break…but I was a little shocked I didn’t hear about it when she actually did. She should be just on vacation with her family for 2 weeks, that was the original plan…just wondering how she’ll be when she comes back.
Post # 5
@Au Jardin: just to add…not like I deserve to know anything, but I can imagine how hard it can be. I’ll she how she is doing once she comes back, but not pry or anything. It does suck though….
Post # 6
Just spend time with, maybe distract her from the situation and do something fun, leave her room to talk about it, and don’t bring up your wedding unless she does. You are a good friend for considering her feelings. Hope everything works out.
Post # 7
Don’t offer for her to drop out of the wedding. At least not until you get a feel for how she is and what her plans are. She may have been the one to want the separation and may be glad. My point is that you don’t know so don’t presume. I suggest you contact her, tell her that you have heard about the separation and that you are checking on her. Don’t question her. Don’t presume anything. Just be there for her. Let her set the tone. Of course, if she decides to tell you the whole story, be an ear for her and a shoulder to cry on if necessary. Check on her every now and then. More if you feel she needs it. Don’t unnecessarily bring up your wedding but don’t act like it isn’t happening and when you talk about it, don’t go on and on about it. I’m thinking she will not associate her marriage with yours anyway but feel her out first. Most of all, be her friend.
Post # 8
I agree with a lot of the prior posts. The best thing you can do is be a friend and just ask her how she’s doing and be there if she needs you. I’ve been through a separation and divorce and it is the most emotionally charged time I’ve ever gone through and I don’t think I would have made it through without friends to talk to and spend time with.