- 2 weeks ago
- Wedding: September 2019
My husband and I lived for many years overseas, then end of 2018 we relocated to another foreign country for my job – to a place we lived in before and that he loves. I was a bit hesitant to come here again – starting from scratch, etc, but my employer gave me a good raise to convince me and my husband pushed to come back here. This is notoriously a place where salaries are very high and we though it’d be super easy for him to get a good job – he has an excellent career and got weekly offers from employers, he is top management – but he’s now been looking for a job for over a year. Money wise we’re OK, I earn enough to lead a comfortable life, living in a nice apartment in the city centre, etc. We have to plan and work on budgets and cannot spend whatever we want on useless stuff, but we’re fine. However, the job market has drastically changed since we lived here and he is having no luck at all.
I see him changing – he has always been the happiest person in the world, always so positive and somehow even TOO positive. Now he is often moody, or sad, and of course I am bearing the weight because I live with him and I know what’s going on. I saw my father going through years of unemployment and it almost crashed my mom.
I am almost due with our first baby (absolutely planned and wanted, we budgeted for this as well), and this is becoming too much – I work full time in my high end job (from home now, as my employer is fantastic), I need to support my husband daily, I am doing an online MBA and I am about to have my first baby, and I don’t know if I can take it all. I keep waking up in the morning wondering if it will be a good or a bad day – it just breaks my heart to see him so invested in those little hopes coming from applying for jobs for which he’ll be rejected and I hate to see how sad he is becoming – he is basically feeling worthless.
I offered to quit my job and move back to the country where we spent a long time, we have so many friends there, he can get a job there super easily because he is extremely well connected. I also offered to move to any other country closer to our families where we can both get good jobs. He refuses, saying that he doesn’t want to move back there because it’s too far from our country of origin and that moving anywhere else because he couldn’t get a job feels like failure. He says that once he’ll finally get a job it’ll be worth it – but this thing is consuming him. And me.
I don’t know what to do, this is not how I wanted to live the last few weeks as the two of us before becoming parents. He will be the best father and has been great during my pregnancy, but he’s not the same he used to be and I am afraid this will make our lives with a baby even more difficult.
My strategies at the moment are only: letting him know when he is being snappy for no reason, listening for HOURS when he complains, and then just withdrawing (saying I am tired or I want to read or need to work) when I see it’s not a good day.
If anyone went through this, feel free to give me some ideas. It’s becoming harder and harder to hide all of this with him, and I cannot tell him all of this directly because I know him and it will only add pain.