- 5 months ago
Hi Bees! Would love some advice and perspective here.
I’ve been friends with two amazing women for about four years now. We do most everything as a trio. Recently, my one friend (we’ll call her Anna) has separated from her husband and is going through a divorce. She waited a couple of months to tell my other friend (we’ll call her Brittany) and me what was going on. I had totally sensed it coming, Brittany not so much.
When Anna told us what was happening, we were both 100% supportive, told her we are her biggest cheerleaders, and that we want her to be happy above all else. Anna has a tendency to be very private and closed off, so we told her repeatedly to contact us if she needs anything and to always feel free to call if she needs to chat.
So, the privacy thing— her-soon-to-be-ex-husband blocked her on Facebook and then posted a “goodbye” message to all of his friends in the area, as he’s moving back to his hometown. All of the responses asked something along the lines of, “Where are you guys headed?!?” … Anna hadn’t told anyone but Brittany and me, and he’s not been upfront about it with their friends either. She’s SO embarrassed, as she wanted her business to remain private.
I don’t know what to tell her. That sort of thing won’t remain a secret for long. People are going to find out. On top of that, she’s now closed herself off from communicating about any of it with Brittany and me, too. She seems to think that if she doesn’t talk about it at all, no one will find out anything about it.
The last chat we had about it, I told her it was her choice on how to respond to all of their friends, but that if she wants any say in her own story, she should control the narrative to some extent. People will talk whether they’re informed or not; giving them the bare bones basics will generally help to prevent odd rumors from popping up. I was careful to note that she doesn’t have to smear her ex, but since her biggest concern is that she’ll look like the bad guy (she’s not), she should tell people very simply that he’s a grown man who made his own decisions about life, and their marriage has ended.
It’s none of my business whether she follows my advice, but I hate feeling like she’s cut us out of the loop when she needs support the most. I feel like all I can do is regularly check in with her to make sure she’s okay. I won’t fish for details, all I want to know is that she’s coping with it all and not in distress.
How should I proceed? Give her her space until she reaches out again? Try to schedule a girls night? Text her every once in a while to tell her I’m thinking about her? Inaction is not my strong suit, but if that’s what’s warranted here, I want to do what’s most helpful for her. I’m a talker and tell my friends everything, but I’m aware she’s not like that and don’t want to be pushy. This is just foreign to my over-sharing self.