Post # 1
DH and I got married last May, we’ve been together about 10.5 years. We’re 32/33 this year.
We currently live in a 1Bedroom 900 sq ft apartment with noisey neighbours and we want to buy a house ASAP but we need to get some stuff paid off before we’re in a place to do so. We’re looking at 12-18 months probably.
New wrench – DH’s job is in limbo, we likely won’t know anything until April when the company sale is supposed to be approved/finalized by the government.
DH wants to have a house before trying for a baby. That means we’re looking at 12-18 months before trying putting me at 33. We both want 2 kids.
I start doing the math and it worries me and it scares me and I’m afraid that we’re going to wait too long.
I would like to start trying around our anniversary May/June and see what happens. Maybe it will be easy for us – but I’m really really scared it won’t be.
DH is so set on ‘house first’ I just don’t know how to explain my concerns with this plan to him in a rational way that he will understand. I don’t think men really understand that age matters and that waiting 2 years might actually be a big deal – especially if we want more than 1.
Post # 2
I would find some articles on fertility or something , some men respond better to numbers.
If you need assistance getting pregnant ( which at 35+ it very well could!) there can be a huge huge expense associated with it- like IVF, donor eggs, surrogacy ect.
What if it takes you a year or two to get pregnant at 33? If it takes you any time at all between kids too your looking at having your 2nd kid at 35 by the earliest.
Im not anti having kids late ( my mom had me at 34, my brother at 37) but the reality of the situation is we do get old and eventually it gets harder and harder to get pregnant…I personally wouldnt risk losing the chance to have the family I want. You can still buy a house with an infant lol, he needs to face the facts.
Post # 3
age may or maynot matter. Once you go over 35-40+ thats normally where age related fertility issues kick in. Most fertility issues are non age related.Up to 35 probably has no real bearings. You would probably have had the same issues if you started TTC at 25. But the thing is no one know until they try!
You should show him the statistics, most healthy couples up to 35 can take 12 months to concieve with no known fertility issues. I think men assume that you pick a date and then bam! I had to show my DH those details, he was like a year? really! sometimes they just have no clue! He wanted to go get fertility testing after the second month of TTC ha ha i had to tell him to calm down!
If he has all the facts and figures in front of him maybe he might look at it differently. There is a lot said for both sides. My DH wanted to try sooner than me but i wanted us to be married first and finish stuff on the house. But we reached a compromise on that one, so we did the wedding but will be finishing the house while i’m pregnant. The best thing to do is sit down an have an open conversation with him. If his job is in limbo he might not feel very comfortable discussing it until after that. You’re fully entitled to want to TTC sooner, excluding fertility issues, being pregnant and raising a child can be exhausting. I’m 32 and 6 weeks pregnant and I am exhausted already lol! looking back now I’m sorry i didn’t do it DH’s way and have kids first then do the wedding. I really want to be a young engertic mother. I know I’m not ancient or anything but all the details like the wedding and the house seem insignificant to me now
Post # 4
The problem with statstics is we know too many people who’ve been blessed with ‘ooops’ babies or knocked up on the first try. I have a few friends who’ve struggled but DH doesn’t like to talk about things like that. I think I’m going to wait until we know what the job situation is, but I need to find a way to talk to him about this. I know he wants kids, and I can tell he has the baby itch too (you should see this guy with kids – it’s beyond adorable), I just don’t want to risk waiting and have us end up late 30s and childless and not sure what to do.
I really think the problem is the sex education system – we’re raised to belive getting pregnant is super easy only to find out that it really isn’t (i’m not saying we should be telling 16 year olds their chances of getting pregnant is only 25% at any given month IF you hit the right 3 days but still…I feel like I was misinformaed for a very long time).
Post # 5
Why is he so set on house first? Is it for space? Does it just fall in the timeline of wanting some alone married time first? I should just show him numbers and stats, especially if you want 2. That’s what worked for my husband. If you are lucky and it comes easy, great. If not, you won’t regret having waited that extra time. We started trying a few months before my 33rd birthday. And 2.5 years later… we’re still trying so I would definitely be kicking myself in the rears had we waited any longer than we already did.
Post # 6
I hear you- we started to TTC a shade earlier than our ideal because the inconvenience was far outweighted by the possibility of needing more time if we had trouble.
Assuming he keeps his job in April, I’d write out a budget showing how buying a house, paying debts, and TTC is financially feasible, and include the possibility of you being put on bed rest and unable to work. Show him the numbers can add up!
Post # 7
I agree with all of the previous posts. On the other end of things though, you don’t want to tell him “it might take us a year to get pregnant!”, then he agrees (thinking it’ll take a while), and you’re suddenly pregnant within one cycle. I don’t think it’s fair to use statistics or “what ifs” to talk your partner into TTC.
But it’s perfectly reasonable to explain all of the sides to him. “There’s a good chance it might take us a while, so I’d rather start earlier. However there is also the chance it won’t take us a while, and in that case I need you to be on board with this before we start.”
I don’t have any real advice on how to convince him. Sorry, and good luck!
Post # 8
This is my dilema – as much as I’m terrified that it will take forever, my sister got pregnant first try (at 27), my mom didn’t have troubles after me ( i think she said she had 2 MCs before me) and she had 4 kids (at 27/29/34/36) and i’m hoping I get those genes. I don’t want us to be really lucky and get pregnant right away (as amazing as that would be) and have DH feel like I tricked him or us not be financially ready, but I also don’t want to sit by and wait a year only to find that something changed or that we do have trouble.
I think it’s space combined with image. Our place isn’t big enough for a baby that’s true, and it doesn’t make sense to pay to rent a 2 bedroom when a mortgage would cost us less than that on a 3 bedroom townhome. I think part of him also has the idea that he’s getting old and he needs to buy a house because he’s supposed to, and you’re supposed to have a house before a baby.
Post # 9
Do you guys hope to have more than one child? I’d bring that up, if so. Spell it out for him like this:
–With his current plan, you won’t start TTC till you’re 33 (and that’s if all goes according to plan!)
–It can take healthy couples up to a year to conceive. So that could mean you’d be 34 when you conceive, or even older if (I hope not) you as a couple have fertility problems and need to seek treatments.
–Even if all goes well, you’d likely be close to 34 or 35 when you have your first child. You’ll probably want to wait a bit before conceiving again, which would mean that all subsequent kids would be conceived after you’re 35, which is when it just gets harder. (I’m not trying to freak you out here at all — I’m an over-35 mom — this is just what you can tell him to motivate him! 🙂 )
Also, I don’t understand the whole “get a house before TTC” thing. I know that people want to feel like their lives are 100% settled & everything is perfectly hunky-dory & ready for a baby to enter the scene, but that’s not reality. Life is messy, and there’s ALWAYS something imperfect — a job that suddenly goes south, a housing situation that takes a little longer to resoplve than you’d thought, etc.
We had our first child while living in a 1-bedroom, 700 square foot apartment. It was totally fine. NOw we’re in a 2-bedroom, 900 sq. foot apartment and are expecting #2. It’s really fine. Babies don’t take up a ton of space.
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Do you have a reason to think you will have a problem getting prgenant? PCOS? Short one ovary or tube? Does he have a history of scrotal surgery? Does he drink a lot, smoke a lot, and get in hot tubs on a regular basis? If there is a specific concern, then maybe it would be advantageous for you to ask him to consider accelerating the timeline. But if this is a nebulous worry about something that could be a problem because The Bee and Dr. Google scare you (and I am totally guilty of googling myself into fear and worry, so absolutely no judgement there!), then maybe you would benefit from some deep yogi breaths and a big glass of wine.
That said, it’s fine to say to DH, “I know you want to wait until we have a house. I just want you to know that I am 100% onboard with starting to TTC before we have a house. If you change your mind and decide that you are ready to TTC sooner, rather than later, just let me know. ;)” That puts the ball in his court without pressure.
Post # 11
We could make a baby work in our apartment for a while but it wouldn’t be ideal that’s for sure (our place has a weird layout making anywhere to put baby things awkward).
You think about it the same way I do – DH is much more ‘ehg, we’ll see what happens’ about it. I don’t think I want to bring it up before April and we find out what’s happening with his job – or maybe I do…he can take a while to process things. Tell him I don’t want to start trying now, but I was thinking that June might be good depending on the job situation…
Post # 12
I have no known medical issues, neither does DH.
I used to smoke but quit about 10 years ago, neither of us drink a lot, he likes hot baths but he’s not in hottubs regularly. Mostly the Bee and Dr. Google have scared me. I do have a few friends who’ve struggled, but I also have friends who had no problems.
Post # 13
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Without some sort of already known issue, I’d say the odds are on your side. Try to ignore the 6+ and 1+ TTC threads on here. I think they give a skewed perspective of what “normal” is (in the same way that the Bee seems to be skewed on average education achieved, income, etc.). Heck, TTC forums in general are a bit skewed from what I’ve seen. Sometimes more “information” (and I use that term loosely) is a curse rather than a blessing.
Post # 14
I’ve realized that the TTC forums are going to be skewed and I am hoping for the best but there’s that part of my brain that keeps saying ‘what if’.
Post # 15
There’s never going to be the “perfect time” to have a baby. Just tell him how you are feeling and I hope he understands!