(Closed) How to talk to DH about TTC

posted 7 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
MsGinkgo:  I would find some articles on fertility or something , some men respond better to numbers. 

If you need assistance getting pregnant ( which at 35+ it very well could!) there can be a huge huge expense associated with it- like IVF, donor eggs, surrogacy ect. 

What if it takes you a year or two to get pregnant at 33? If it takes you any time at all between kids too your looking at having your 2nd kid at 35 by the earliest.

Im not anti having kids late ( my mom had me at 34, my brother at 37) but the reality of the situation is we do get old and eventually it gets harder and harder to get pregnant…I personally wouldnt risk losing the chance to have the family I want. You can still buy a house with an infant lol, he needs to face the facts. 

 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Boxerlover24.
Post # 3
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

age may or maynot matter. Once you go over 35-40+ thats normally where age related fertility issues kick in. Most fertility issues are non age related.Up to 35 probably has no real bearings. You would probably have had the same issues if you started TTC at 25. But the thing is no one know until they try!

You should show him the statistics, most healthy couples up to 35 can take 12 months to concieve with no known fertility issues. I think men assume that you pick a date and then bam! I had to show my DH those details, he was like a year? really! sometimes they just have no clue! He wanted to go get fertility testing after the second month of TTC ha ha i had to tell him to calm down!

If he has all the facts and figures in front of him maybe he might look at it differently. There is a lot said for both sides. My DH wanted to try sooner than me but i wanted us to be married first and finish stuff on the house. But we reached a compromise on that one, so we did the wedding but will be finishing the house while i’m pregnant. The best thing to do is sit down an have an open conversation with him. If his job is in limbo he might not feel very comfortable discussing it until after that. You’re fully entitled to want to TTC sooner, excluding fertility issues, being pregnant and raising a child can be exhausting. I’m 32 and 6 weeks pregnant and I am exhausted already lol! looking back now I’m sorry i didn’t do it DH’s way and have kids first then do the wedding. I really want to be a young engertic mother. I know I’m not ancient or anything but all the details like the wedding and the house seem insignificant to me now

Post # 5
Member
12340 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Why is he so set on house first?  Is it for space?  Does it just fall in the timeline of wanting some alone married time first?  I should just show him numbers and stats, especially if you want 2.  That’s what worked for my husband.  If you are lucky and it comes easy, great.  If not, you won’t regret having waited that extra time.  We started trying a few months before my 33rd birthday.  And 2.5 years later… we’re still trying so I would definitely be kicking myself in the rears had we waited any longer than we already did.

Post # 6
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I hear you- we started to TTC a shade earlier than our ideal because the inconvenience was far outweighted by the possibility of needing more time if we had trouble. 

Assuming he keeps his job in April, I’d write out a budget showing how buying a house, paying debts, and TTC is financially feasible, and include the possibility of you being put on bed rest and unable to work.  Show him the numbers can add up!        

Post # 7
Member
781 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with all of the previous posts. On the other end of things though, you don’t want to tell him “it might take us a year to get pregnant!”, then he agrees (thinking it’ll take a while), and you’re suddenly pregnant within one cycle. I don’t think it’s fair to use statistics or “what ifs” to talk your partner into TTC.

But it’s perfectly reasonable to explain all of the sides to him. “There’s a good chance it might take us a while, so I’d rather start earlier. However there is also the chance it won’t take us a while, and in that case I need you to be on board with this before we start.”

I don’t have any real advice on how to convince him. Sorry, and good luck!

Post # 9
Member
3292 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Do you guys hope to have more than one child? I’d bring that up, if so. Spell it out for him like this:

–With his current plan, you won’t start TTC till you’re 33 (and that’s if all goes according to plan!)

–It can take healthy couples up to a year to conceive. So that could mean you’d be 34 when you conceive, or even older if (I hope not) you as a couple have fertility problems and need to seek treatments.

–Even if all goes well, you’d likely be close to 34 or 35 when you have your first child. You’ll probably want to wait a bit before conceiving again, which would mean that all subsequent kids would be conceived after you’re 35, which is when it just gets harder. (I’m not trying to freak you out here at all — I’m an over-35 mom — this is just what you can tell him to motivate him! 🙂 )

Also, I don’t understand the whole “get a house before TTC” thing. I know that people want to feel like their lives are 100% settled & everything is perfectly hunky-dory & ready for a baby to enter the scene, but that’s not reality. Life is messy, and there’s ALWAYS something imperfect — a job that suddenly goes south, a housing situation that takes a little longer to resoplve than you’d thought, etc.

We had our first child while living in a 1-bedroom, 700 square foot apartment. It was totally fine. NOw we’re in a 2-bedroom, 900 sq. foot apartment and are expecting #2. It’s really fine. Babies don’t take up a ton of space. 

Post # 10
Member
5191 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Do you have a reason to think you will have a problem getting prgenant? PCOS? Short one ovary or tube? Does he have a history of scrotal surgery? Does he drink a lot, smoke a lot, and get in hot tubs on a regular basis? If there is a specific concern, then maybe it would be advantageous for you to ask him to consider accelerating the timeline. But if this is a nebulous worry about something that could be a problem because The Bee and Dr. Google scare you (and I am totally guilty of googling myself into fear and worry, so absolutely no judgement there!), then maybe you would benefit from some deep yogi breaths and a big glass of wine.

That said, it’s fine to say to DH, “I know you want to wait until we have a house. I just want you to know that I am 100% onboard with starting to TTC before we have a house. If you change your mind and decide that you are ready to TTC sooner, rather than later, just let me know. ;)” That puts the ball in his court without pressure.

Post # 13
Member
5191 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

View original reply
MsGinkgo:  Without some sort of already known issue, I’d say the odds are on your side. Try to ignore the 6+ and 1+ TTC threads on here. I think they give a skewed perspective of what “normal” is (in the same way that the Bee seems to be skewed on average education achieved, income, etc.). Heck, TTC forums in general are a bit skewed from what I’ve seen. Sometimes more “information” (and I use that term loosely) is a curse rather than a blessing.

Post # 15
Member
1517 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

There’s never going to be the “perfect time” to have a baby. Just tell him how you are feeling and I hope he understands!

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