Post # 1
Darling Husband and I are going to start TTC here soon and we are both super excited but there is one thing we are very worried about. His mother. Our relationship has been semi strained for a while now because of how she has become as a person. We do see her about once a week on saturday but she is a very negative person and it is getting very hard to want to go see her. She is also very opinionated and always thinks she knows best. When we don’t show the right amount of enthusiasm or don’t take her advice she throws fits and says we don’t love her. She also says we don’t love her if we miss one Saturday with her for perfectly valid reasons.
On to our problem, we know she is going to be difficult when we have kids but last night we saw just how difficult. We went to a party and there was a baby there. She barely knows the mom but had the baby within a minute of walking into the house. Once she had the baby she was talking about how the mother shouldn’t have put him in the costume because he is too hot and how he must be hungry. She went looking through the diaper bag for a bottle (baby is breastfed). And made a few other obnoxious comments about what the mother is doing wrong.
So there was all that and the baby finally got to put to bed. She then moved onto SIL’s new puppy. Taking the dog from sil, waking the dog up when it was asleep, trying to feed it even though it had already been fed, telling sil the dog had to pee even though she was asleep and so on.
It was exhausting and I was just on the sidelines. Bees she’s already talking like our nonexistent baby is hers and talking about sleep overs and how I’m going to have “fight” her to hold the baby.
She doesn’t even know we’re about to start TTC, she thinks it’s still a year away.
What are we supposed to do with her? I know we will have to talk to her about all this and how it will not be ok with us. But how do we do it without pissing her off? And when should we do it? SIL who I’ve confided in about this thinks we should talk to her asap. But that would tip her off that were going to start trying and do we want to open that can of worms? Or should we wait until I’m pregnant and then when in my pregnancy?
Ugh I was so excited and now I’m just nervous 🙁
Post # 2
I would say, wait till you are pregnant and then have dh talk to her and set up some boundaries. Maybe include her in some things and ask for suggestions occasionally to not make her feel left out. But if need be(and it sounds it) you should come up with a big list of rules for when the baby comes. Don’t be afraid to say no and keep repeating it until she hears you. I’m guessing SIL will have your back, what about other members of the family?
If you are daring enough, change your Sat visits to every other Sat no matter how much she throws a fit. start will small boundaries now.
Post # 3
Vermont2015: We do have support from DH’s brother and his wife as well which is the rest of her part of the family really, so that will be good. It will just be hard to be stern with her as I’m the quietest one in the family. But I know if we don’t set up boundaries I’ll end up snapping which won’t be good for anyone and if I snap Darling Husband will feed off of it because he is very protective of me.
We have been trying to make more plans for just us every third Saturday but it’s hard to cutt back to much because it’s a family game night and we really enjoy seeing his siblings. If she gets any worse though we have already talked about cutting back more.
Post # 4
Hello, Wow your Mother-In-Law seems very over-bearing. I believe that when she makes those comments… “You’re gonna have to fight me to hold the baby”… That’s when you should respond and say something along the lines like ” Oh you wouldn’t have to worry about me fighting you, because I’m pretty sure I will be so attached to my baby that I wouldn’t want to let anyone hold him/her for a while.” As far as an ” “official” talk with her, I believe your husband should first address his mother, because he may know how to tell his mom to “back off” so to speak, without her getting offended. If that doesn’t work, then girlfriend you may need to be frank with her, respectfully, and tell her that you and your husband appreciates how involved she is, but…. I hope this helps!
Post # 5
If you are really worried about “fighting” your Mother-In-Law for your baby and currently don’t feel strong enough to say no then invest in a sling or wrap and bsbywear. Much harder to get hold of them.
I have found that my confidence is starting to grow in this area since having my daughter 5 weeks ago. On Saturday we were at my ILs and there was joking about my SIL running away with her (not serious of course) and my first thought was, you do and I would fight you – even though I knew she was joking. There was a part of me that knew I would do anything to protect her.
Post # 6
I gotta give you a bit of tough love here – you (and especially your husband) are going to have to put your foot down regarding boundaries. Remember that you guys will have a new, nuclear family that does NOT include your Mother-In-Law. Who cares about pissing her off? She will either choose to be in your lives or not, and that is her decision to make all on her own. You don’t have to be rude about what your boundaries are, but you do have to be direct. She sounds extremely manipulative and uses “feelings” to control you guys – don’t let her continue to manhandle or manipulate you. If you continue to let it happen, she will continue to do it (people will only do what they can get away with, after all).
Post # 7
May I suggest moving far enough away that it will be an effort for visits, but not so far that she would have to sleep over when visiting?
Lol. All jokes aside, I agree with PatientlyWaitn, maybe your husband could have a preliminary discussion with her, and when you become pregnant I would personaly set the boundaries. Maybe she won’t be quite so aggressive when the time actually comes? Definitely make her feel like you want her part of your family’s life, however she must acknowledge her “place” so to speak. Maybe solicit her opinions on trivial things (ex. what brand of rash cream to buy) so it seems like you value your opinion and hopefully suppress her need for unsolicited opinions, when the time comes.
Post # 8
i have similar issues with my mother. negativity and jealousy. negativity was always there but the jealousy started when I married Darling Husband.
jealousy is even worse now that i am pregnant and i can’t imagine what it will be like when baby arrives.
i’ve talked to Darling Husband about it and he said as long it is not stressing me out too much, we will take it as it comes. as long as Darling Husband and I stand together, i think we can handle it.
i plan to call my mom out next time negativity and jealousy rear their ugly heads and see if i can nip this in the bud before april.
Post # 9
PS. I’m 15 weeks pregnant, word is spreading around the office. everyone wants to give their opinions onwhat i should and shouldn’t do.
take it all with a grain of salt. smile and nod and then do what you want.