- 5 years ago
Regular bee gone anon.
I’m sorry that this is so long. I really don’t know how to handle this situation. I will try and keep some parts short but if you have any questions I will explain further.
My sister has been with her boyfriend for over 10 years. They have lived together for about half of that. So it is a long, serious, committed relationship. I know they really do love each other but I no longer think my sister should be with him. I know this is the type of thing that will get a lot of “it’s not any of your business” type responses but I can’t continue to say nothing. There are a few things going on here so I will try and keep the different stories organized.
1. My sister’s Boyfriend or Best Friend seems to have no intention of marrying her which I think is bull, but not really my business. If she wants to stay with him and is fine with not being married, obviously that is up to her. But with my having gotten engaged, it is clear to me now that she wants to. I get the impression they’ve discussed it before. At my engagement party one of my friends asked sis’s Boyfriend or Best Friend why they weren’t married and his response was something along the lines of “That’s not my thing so it’s not happening. She knows that.” Basically seems like he doesn’t want to and that’s the end of it. Ok fine. Still not really any of my business. But she’s my sister and I love her and she’s not happy.
2. My fiancé and I often have firends over to hang out. My sis and her Boyfriend or Best Friend will sometimes come. Most of the people are my fiancé’s friends so before these hang outs started, they didn’t really know sis and Boyfriend or Best Friend. My Fiance starts mentioning to me that sis’s Boyfriend or Best Friend is being rude to people and that they don’t really like him. He makes them uncomfortable. I didn’t really see it at first, for a few reasons. One is that I have known him a long time and kind of gotten used to the fact that that is just how he is. Two is that I had had a few drinks so I didn’t really notice how he was actiing. The last time we had people over I didn’t drink at all and oh boy did I notice. He was making me uncomfortable. Not that he was saying anything to me but I was embarrassed at the way he was treating everyone else. To make matters worse, he got into a fight with my sister at the end of the night. While everyone was still there. The fight wasn’t an all out screaming match right in front of everyone. They went into another room and were pretty low key. But everyone knew they were fighting.
3. During the fight is when I really started thinking that sis needs to move on. They are at completely different points in their lives. Sis has matured a lot and her Boyfriend or Best Friend still acts as though he is in college and every night is a party. I don’t think he has any desire to start acting like an adult. Ever. I don’t know if she wants kids but it wouldn’t surprise me if she does. I know she sees my life moving forward and wants that. I don’t think that will ever happen with her Boyfriend or Best Friend.
Obviously none of this is too terrible or anything. Basically I just don’t think they are right for each other. They are at different points in their lives and want different things. I think my sister does a lot of things she’s not really interested in or would rather not do, but it’s what he wants so she goes along with it. Which brings me to the main reason I’m writing this.
I don’t want to get into how I found all of this out. I will just say it’s a small world, which ended up in us (FI and me) finding out some things. My sister and her Boyfriend or Best Friend share a house with one of their friends and his Girlfriend. Turns out sis’s Boyfriend or Best Friend recently asked the Girlfriend if she would have a threesome with them. I KNOW my sister would NOT be ok with that. I could see her agreeing to it to keep him happy but it would’ve been clrealy obvious to him that she isn’t happy about it/doesn’t really want to. I don’t know if it ever actually happened (I would assume not because I don’t know why their friend would’ve been ok with them sleeping with his GF). I don’t know what else was said (I got this info from my FI). All I know is he (FI) was really upset when he got home from work and he ended up asing me if anything had ever happened between me and sis’s Boyfriend or Best Friend or if he’d ever made a move on me. Nothing like that ever happened but he has made comment in the past about guys liking the whole sister thing. I always thought he was joking becasue my sister would never tolerate that. Anyway, this all ended up in my Fiance saying he no longer wants sis’s Boyfriend or Best Friend at our house or around me (sis is more than welcome to be here anytime). I agree with him. I already strongly felt that she shouldn’t be with him anymore. This just makes me 110% sure.
So now I need advice. My sister is my best friend and I don’t want to lose her in my life but I can’t keep watching her be unhappy in this relationship and not say anything. At one point a few years ago her Boyfriend or Best Friend said they should take a break (he ended up pretending it never happened) and the thing that I remember most from that is that she was upset because all of her friends were his friends first and if they broke up she would have no one. I feel like she has maybe thought about leaving him but won’t because she still feels that way. Also, 10 years is a long time. When you’ve invested that much of your life in someone I know it has to be hard to even consider leaving. I don’t know. Maybe she’s never thought about it. But I know if she ever did, these things would be issues. I need to say something to her about him. That I don’t think she should be with him anymore. Before I was hesitant becasue she loves him and he loves her and has always been good to her. I don’t feel that way anymore. IMO a threesome has no place in a loving relationship.
I don’t know how to have this conversation with her without her getting mad and never wanting to speak to me again. Our mother doesn’t like him and most of our family seems to not be that fond of him. I’ve been her only ally as far as their relationship goes. I don’t want to stop being her support but I can’t anymore. Not with him being like this. I know a lot of you will probably say it’s not my place to talk to her, that I should just keep saying nothing. That’s fine. But I am still going to need to explain to her why he is no longer welcome in our home. Any advice on how to handle this? What to say? What not to say? I really need some help here.