(Closed) How to talk to my sister about her relationship (long).

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2427 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

i would just say to her “are you happy if your not you can talk to me about anything, you have seemed a bit down lately. but if you are then thats all i care about.” and leave it to her.

unfortunately – and i know how hard it is to watch – you cant do anything about who shes with and if you say “oh i hate him hes not right for you, break up wit him etc etc” she will probably stay with him anyway and your relationship with her will suffer – and its just not worth it. it happens way too often.

id start with the subtle “are you happy….” and then either go into it further if she intiates it or just leave it – she may need an opening from you to feel comfortable talking about it , or she isnt ready to and shuts you down. but at least she will know you are there and have noticed her unhappiness to some level.

good luck!

Post # 4
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@helpbee:  Usually, I’d say “tend to your own garden”, but I feel like, in this case, you should be upfront with her IF she asks you or brings it up herself.

 

If, in conversation, she asks for your opinion or gives you an opening, I might say “You know I love you, and what you choose to do with this information is none of my business, but I feel like you should know (and outline what you choose to share: even if you don’t mention the threesome, mention how his behavior with other guests has made your Fiance not want him in your home anymore). As my Fiance, I have to respect his wishes not to interact with your Boyfriend or Best Friend at our home. And as your sister, I hope you can understand that he is making me very uncomfortable.”

Post # 5
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It sounds like you and your sister are very close, as my sister and I are. I think you need to be careful here. I’ve gotten into some serious fights with my sister over her choices of men and we didn’t talk for quite some time. First, I don’t really think you should tell her the her boyfriend can’t come over. He didn’t make any moves on you. He’s an ass but that’s something that you can talk to her about. I think you should be honest with her. Start by explaining how he makes you uncomfortable when you have them over and how he makes other guests uncomfortable. She will get defensive but she should also listen to you.

I would also, gently, bring up the fact that you don’t think they are on the same page. She would probably really appreciate having someone to talk to about it but maybe she doesn’t know how. It sounds like she is probably a bit dependent on him, having a threesome even though she wouldn’t want to. She needs help seeing that he may not be for her.

In the end though, it’s her decision. You can only tell her how you feel and hope that maybe it opens her eyes. You shouldn’t pressure her or get mad if she doesn’t dump him right away. Little by little though, bring up the things that he does that bothers you. She probably ignores them after so long but if you bring them up maybe she will start to get bothered by him as well.

Good luck. I love my sister to death and would hate to see her in this position.

Post # 7
Member
9659 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

Has she said she wants to get married and have kids? Perhaps bring the topic up that way, like asking her when she wants to do those things. If she says ‘I don’t’ ask her if she is sure, if that’s her honest opinion. If she is very sure let it drop. If she says a time when she would like to get married or if she says she isn’t sure about whether she wants to get married or not then pursue it further. Let her know that you are there for her and how it must be hard for her with her Boyfriend or Best Friend not wanting to get married.

Post # 8
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you do end up banning him at your house, you really don’t know the whole story.  So you will have to stick to what you do know, and that is he’s made sexual comments about you and your sister together (that’s what I am getting from it.)

For all you really know, your sister is a willing participant.  And banning someone from your home because of their sexual inclinations is not fair (as long as it’s legal.)

Whatever you say to your sister is going to get back to this guy, I can almost guarantee she will tell him.  It would be hard not to if they have no intentions of breaking up and they’ve been together 10 years.

I would be scared this would push them closer together and alienate them from your family.

Post # 10
Member
9659 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@helpbee:  Good point, I think the idea of having fewer people over for a while is a good one.

Post # 11
Member
6355 posts
Bee Keeper

I wouldn’t recommend banning him from your house, because that has the potetntial to create a permanent rift between you and your sister.

Your Fiance should not demand this if the person in question has not directly done harm to either of you. It is not a reasonable demand.

When an adult pressures another adult to make a decision, rather than treating them as an equal and respecting their right to make a decision that the other never would have done, disastrous effects on the relationship can result.

I would absolutely suggest discussing her relationship with her, but I suggest you tread very, very carefully. Remember always that it is her right to say “Thank you for your concern but no thank you, please accept that he’s the person I’ve chosen.”

 

Post # 12
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Can you not have people over without inviting them? You don’t have to ‘ban’ him, you just don’t have to invite him to all of your get togethers.

Post # 13
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@helpbee:  I think you honestly need to leave it alone. I have been given a hard time in the past because my SO and I aren’t engaged/or have kids. We have been together for 6 years. People seem to assume that because marriage and kids is what THEY want, it’s what everyone should want. Me and my SO are on the same page, that’s all that matters. And so what if your sister’s boyfriend asked for a threesome? It doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be all over you, or a threat to your relationship. If you ban him from coming over, you’re effectively alienating her. She will side with him, and she’ll resent you. You put her in such an awkward position if you ban him from the house, and this will not bode well for your relationship. I wouldn’t bring up the threesome at all – it’s hearsay, gossip, and their business.

We’ve all seen our siblings and friends be with someone completely wrong for them, I too have been with someone completely wrong for me – but you need to give people enough credit to realise they are capable of making their own decisions about their own relationships. If they’re not happy, they can leave. It’s not like they’re waiting for someone to tell them what to do. When I was in a bad relationship, I couldn’t be told – I RESENTED being told. I did what I had to do when I was ready to do it, not a moment before. And it did distance me from those who tried to tell me. It made me feel like I was a child who was incapable of making decisions for myself.

Maybe your sister is happy. Maybe she doesn’t want to get married. If she’s staying with him, knowing his feelings, then you have to assume she is ok with that. As for kids, maybe she doesn’t want them either.

If she wants to talk about her relationship, she will. Don’t push her, or you’ll push her away.

Post # 14
Member
9659 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@Deejayelle:  +1 to everything you just said

Post # 15
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

it occurred to be that no one really knows a siblings sexual kinks. maybe you assume she wouldnt be interested/would only have a threesome  to please him and in reality shed love it. im close to my sister but she doesnt know about my sex life

i mean i get it, the man is an ass. but if she wants to leave him, she will. i wouldnt bring it up or voice any opinions unless she specifically asks

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