Post # 1
Hi bees! So my SO and I have been together for going on 9 months. I’m 28 and he will be 36 in less than 2 months. My issue is that I’m really starting to get antsy about a timeline. While he has mentioned marriage in conversation and made reference to “our wedding day”, he never asks me how I feel about it or what my thoughts/expectations are. He has told me that at almost 36 years old, if he didn’t see marriage for us then he wouldn’t be with me. So I’m assuming that it is heading in that direction, however, I’d like to get an idea of what his thoughts are on a timeline. Ideally, I’d like to get married in October 2015 but he doesn’t know this because he’s never asked. I don’t bring it up because I don’t want to put any pressure on him. I’ve been thinking of waiting until out one year anniverasry (this October) to see if he brings it up, and then if not, bring it up myself. One of the reasons I’m really curious is because he wants several kids and I think he would want to do that sooner than later because of his age. We have some trips planned, one is a weekend trip in 2 weeks and I think he wants to do a bigger vacation to the Bahamas over the winter… so I was thinking maybe he wants to propose in the Bahamas.
What does everyone think? Am I being too antsy? Should I be more patient? How would you recommend casually bringing up the topic to get him to discuss it? I saw someone write in a post once that “you can’t say the wrong thing to the right guy” meaning, if he is the right guy and wants to get married, then me bringing it up shouldn’t be an issue. Do you agree?
Post # 2
I would have a sit down and talk more about where you both seeing this leading rather than asking for a timeline. I do agree that bringing up the topic won’t “scare off the right guy” but i could diff see it be taken as your just trying to get married if you bring it from a timeframe view.
My fiancée use to say the same thing to me, that he know what he was and wasn’t looking for in a women and if you didn’t see it leading to marriage he wouldn’t have still been with me. But that doesn’t mean he’s ready to propose. It means he’s still evualating the relationship.
Also I have found that men don’t think about the age frame with when they have kids as much as us women do. For example, we have 2 children. He really wants 4, but now that we have 2 I think i may be done. Our older son has sone health issues and we have decided that we will want At least until our boys are in school and see how our eldest is doing and then revisit having more children. So that would be in 6ish years. That being said He is 37 and has said that he wouldnt want children after 40. Obviously that’s only 3. (2 1/2) years away but he doesn’t take it that literally. You said, you don’t think he would want to have children too late in life. Have you guys also takes about or are you beginning to get baby fever and you don’t want to want much longer. There’s nothing wrong with that, I just think you guys really need to talk about what you both want and I think you need to figure out how long your willing to wait rather than giving him a timeline
Post # 3
Allyg: I do have a small case of baby fever, but I’m in graduate school (online) and ideally it would be best to wait until I’m out done with school to have a baby. I won’t graduate until I’m 31 though and that is a bit later than I would like to have my first baby. So I’m flexible with starting a family but I do want to be married first. We have talked about kids and he said he wants 3 maybe 4. He’s also pointed at families that have 3 young kids and made a comment like “that will be us someday”. So I do feel like he sees us heading in that direction. Also, I did ask him once when he thought he could see himself starting a family and he said that probably best to wait till I’m out of school but the sooner the better for him because he’s older. I just am craving more details about our future and what to expect and it’s starting to drive me crazy (in a good way).
Post # 4
NightOwl27: Hey! I wrote nearly this same post several months ago. Our situations are similar (though I’ve been dating my SO over 6 years, but he’s younger than yours so he’s not thinking about marriage yet, etc) so I thought I’d link you to a post I made after asking the bees on this board for advice about talking to my SO regarding our timeline. Here it is: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/6-year-bee-timeline-talk-update/
The best advice I got was that this is something that hugely affects BOTH our lives, so it’s something both of us should have a say in – not just me waiting patiently while he does or does not think about a timeline. Most bees recommended I be upfront and simply say that I was thinking about whether we were going to get engaged and wondering if he thought about it too, where he thought we were in the relationship, etc. I’m not a pushy gal and I definitely didn’t want to be pushy about getting married, but it was surprisingly easy to bring it up and chat about it in a very casual way. Since he’s already said he wouldn’t be dating anyone he didn’t plan on marrying at this point I’d say you’re already ahead of the game! Make a nice dinner, pour a glass of wine and have a relaxing chat about it while you’re both in a good mood.
For what it’s worth, my SO said that because I had never brought up marriage and am just “chill” in general, he never realized engagement was on my mind or something I was concerned about! Like many 20-something guys, he also didn’t really conceptualize a timeline – engagements take time, weddings take a year or more to plan, babies can take even longer, etc. One bee on the boards said something like “guys are like balloons, happily bobbing around and looking at the horizon far away… sometimes you have to pull down the string and get them to see the eye-level, near future where you’re looking”.. I liked that 🙂
Post # 5
NightOwl27: that totally makes sense. well it diff sounds like he sees a future, marriage, kids with you and I totally understand don’t wanting to just wait and see. I would have a relaxing sit down with him. It sounds like you guys have great communication and that he wouldn’t be “scared off” by you bringing it up!
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
Timelines, especially if you want kids, are definitely something both of you have to sit down and have a calm, reasonable, clear conversation about some day. That said … you’ve been together 9 months. You may know you’re right for each other, you may be beginning to know you want to spend the rest of your lives together, but even with someone who’s perfect, coming down with an intense “I have picked out a wedding date of October 2015! Why have we not had The Marriage Talk yet!” convo this early in could make him feel claustrophobic and trapped. It’s not an issue of “scaring someone off” who otherwise wouldn’t want to be with you, it’s about being comfortable and secure enough in your present state to not feel the need to plunge ahead at warp speed.
So take a deep breath, relax, and give it some time. 9 months really isn’t that long, even when you’re 28 😉
Post # 7
I think I would focus more on your timeline for having babies than the marriage. Your bio clock is ticking, not loudly yet but it’s there. Marriage can wait but you only have so many years to have 3 babies! It sounds like he wants the same things you do.