How to talk to parents about being engaged young.

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
9375 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You can’t control other people’s reactions/behavior. All you can do is be honest with them. 

If they are unhappy, don’t get immediately defensive. Listen to their concerns and be willing to consider if they are valid.

Post # 3
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I second what hikingbride said. My now husband and I got engaged when we were 21 and married at 22. My parents love my husband but were very much like yours in valuing education and financial security. We shared our engagement with them minutes after he proposed (we were already in our hometown) and though they were happy for us they were also concerned of our age and whether or not we had really thought through the expenses and implications of having a wedding and getting married so young. Their concern was not for us but our future well-being. 

While it was a bit of a rocky first week talking through our already extensively-thought out plans with my parents, after realizing that we were as prepared as we could be and knew what we were getting into, they quickly became nothing but excited and supportive of us. I think sitting down and having a respectful conversation brought us all closer and ensured we had their full support and blessing before we moved forward with wedding plans! Once that conversation happens, you can really celebrate!

Post # 5
Member
7784 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Just tell them ASAP and get it over with. I know all to well how much it sucks when your parents aren’t thrilled about your engagement…my husband and I dealt with that on both sides (due to religious/cultural reasons rather than age). But as pp said you can’t control how people react to this news. As long as you and your partner are confident you’re doing the right thing, that is what matters. Their disapproval may well put a damper on your engagement, and that will be hard to cope with, but in time they’ll get over it. 

Post # 6
Member
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 -  Australia

You have a job lined up, so you’ll be financially independent soon (if not already). Maybe entice them with the idea of grandchildren? Unless you already have siblings who reproduced a lot already.

Post # 7
Member
675 posts
Busy bee

Yes you are young; however, you sound exceptionally mature and seem to have your life together at a very young age. You are wanting to get married in two years so I think it’s fine that you are engaged now, as it sounds like you will be able to support yourself independently. 

Your parents are pretty hypocritical if they are going to criticize you for getting engaged now when they literally did the same thing. I get that times are different, but they have no leg to stand on really.

If you were acting immature or unable to support yourself, that would be different. I don’t usually think it’s the best idea to get engaged young, but in this case I think it’s fine

Post # 9
Member
5963 posts
Bee Keeper

zizibee :  Are you going to tell them you’ve been engaged for a month? 

Post # 10
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

I think you should just tell them. If they are nervous, reassure them that you have a good job and are planning to save up for your wedding diligently. Remind them that you are not planning on getting married for another 2 years. Worst case scenario and they take it poorly, they have 2 whole years to get over it and by the time the wedding comes around I’m certain they will be happy and excited. 
Let us know how it goes!

Post # 11
Member
905 posts
Busy bee

CONGRATULATIONS! How exciting! You are more than capable for mariage. You are already going down the right path with an educationa nd career. 🙂 Enjoy it all!

Post # 12
Member
678 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Just tell them as quickly as possible, and prepare yourself for a poor reaction. At this point in your life you will need to stop hoping for their approval, no matter what it is for. I had 2 years of therapy during my masters to help me learn to stop seeking my parent’s approval and/or letting their disapproval affect my mood and emotions. Now I have a better relationship with them because if they disapprove of my choices I am able to take it in stride and not worry about it. 

My mother could barely pretend to be happy for me and D.H, even at our wedding. It sucks but part of being an adult is knowing you can make your own decisions no matter what your parents think. Also it’s good you are planning to save for your own wedding. If they express concern, just inform them that you are prepared for the financial burden of both a wedding and a marriage. If they are ones to try and control your life, keep the answers short and sweet so there’s less chance they’ll try to argue with you. My phrase of choice during dating and engagement was “I can see your point of view, but I am choosing to make my own decisions.” 

Post # 13
Member
616 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

The sooner the better. They may be upset at first but they will come around. You seem to have a great head on your shoulders. They may surprise you and be over joyed for you guys. Positive thinking goes along way. Good luck.

Post # 14
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

My fiance and I are getting married this summer, after 5 years together and both being 22 years old. I feel like if you have a responsible, rational conversation with your parents, it may show them that they should at least consider that you may be at that time in your life. They may not love it, but as long as you don’t get defensive, you are showing your own maturity.

Post # 15
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Maybe they want you to not get married young precisely because they did. People change a lot from their young twenties to late twenties and research shows that we are similar in personality between 30-40 onwards than we are at 20-30. 

Maybe your parents wish they’d waited until they were a bit older. I definitely wouldn’t have thought that I’d change so much in my twenties so I get it of you ignore this comment, I know I would have even though I agree with it now! 

Enough rambling from me, except ro say congratulations on your engagement! 

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