Post # 16
Different perspective as I am the mother of a 24 year old son who has been dating an awesome 22 year old woman for about 4 years. They are both finishing up their degrees and I’ve really enjoyed watching them grow both individually and as a couple. I adore her, I love them together and I genuinely hope they are together forever, as they really seem to bring out the best in each other. But if my son came to me with news of an engagement, though I would be thrilled and show love and support, I would also encourage them to consider a long engagement. Not because I don’t think they are adults or mature enough, simply because we change so much in our twenties and the pressures and complexities of marriage (news flash! It isn’t always a walk in the park LOL) make it more difficult to navigate those changes while being true to yourself and maintaining your relationship. @botanistbee is 100% correct. There is an old adage that says “with age, comes wisdom”, and wisdom is different than maturity or intelligence…it is only something you can acquire with age. Basically, there is nothing to lose by waiting a few years and I feel in most cases your marriage will be stronger for it. That said, there are countless couples who were married in their early twenties and are perfectly happy. But I would venture to say that each of you as individuals and your ultimate marriage would be better served waiting a few years. I am certainly not trying to talk anyone in their early twenties from getting married, nor should anyone who was married in their early twenties feel the need to defend themselves…this is just my opinion. All that said, I do think you should tell your parents sooner rather than later. GL
Post # 17
botanistbee : This is what I was thinking too. My parents also married quite young and they have had a very rocky marriage (though they have chosen to stay together). Because of their experience, they always cautioned my siblings and I to make sure we were really ready for marriage. D.H. and I started dating young (18) but waited until we were 27 to get married and I’m really glad that we did since we both felt very confident that we could weather anything.
I would announce right away and keep an open mind as to what they say. I think a two year engagement is a good idea. Who knows, maybe they will be excited and supportive immediately?
Post # 18
UPDATE: So we told my parents and they were not very excited about it. Actually, that is modest; they were LIVID.
Their argument is: 1) I am too young and have no idea what I am doing, 2) This is unheard of/what would people say, 3) I am just beginning my adult life and career and they want me to ‘experince being an independent adult woman’. They also said I was very lucky they allowed me to publicly have a boyfriend at 22 even though other parents were criticizing them (again, I am from a relativly conservative community).
We were actually surpised because my fiance’s family are much more conservative and we were expecting to have a hard time with them, but they are so happy! In our culture, you have to send older, respected men from the males family with gifts to the woman’s family AFTER the soon-to-be bride and soon-to-be groom have gotten engaged. This is supposed to be happening soon and I’m not sure how we’re supposed to proceed with the state that my parents are in now.
I am dreading having to have this conversation again with them and I have no clue what to do at this point…
Post # 19
zizibee : I’m sorry it didn’t go well bee. I would give them some space now and let the dust settle. Try to make any future conversations about it as matter of fact as possible. I am betting they will eventually accept it and even be happy for you, but it may take some time to get there.
Post # 20
Definitnly let them calm. My parents were pretty strict with me and woudl get upset if i had bfs in my late teens/early twenties. They wuld blow up…but once they digested it a little…theyd realize that they were even married before my age at that time and so they came to terms with it.
They should come around..but IF they dont, remember, this is your life to live sweetheart. yours.
Post # 21
zizibee : I’m sorry that your parents are not excited and supportive about your engagement. I know that when we are celebrating something, we want the people we love to celebrate with us and it sucks that they are not.
I believe the decision you’ve made to get engaged and plan a wedding is the first of many decisions you’ll make that will pave your way to being an ‘independent woman’. I say this because your parents want you to be independent, but still want to enforce what they believe is the right way to do things on to you. I also got married young, my husband and I saved and paid for the wedding on our own. Although we got married with my parent’s blessing, over the course of my marriage I have made choices that I know they may not approve of, but that’s part of growing up and learning to live your own life.
However, I do get where they are coming from. As parents, who love and want the best for you, they are concerned about you and this is the manifestation of that concern. All you can do is hope they come around eventually, but you have to be mature enough to make choices for yourself as an adult, independent of your parents, and the first choice you’re making is to be engaged and plan a wedding to someone you clearly (at least for right now) want to spend the rest of your life with.
Post # 22
Woah! Where the heck do you live that it’s “unheard of” where you’re from? I am so terribly sorry that your family freaked out like that. Stand your ground. This is your life. It’s not like you’re a teenager – you’re 22!!! What matters is that you and your fiance are on the same page. Your family will get over it. For what it’s worth my parents got married at 22 and I’m 21 getting married when I turn 22 and my fiance is 23. I absolutely feel ready for it. Even though they’re really being frustrating right now just continue to show them your maturity by being the bigger person. You may need to step back for a bit and just let them process things. You’re going to get all kinds of people telling you how to live your life throughout your engagement. You get to choose which voices are the loudest and what you want to hold true in your life.