(Closed) How to tell a bride you're not going to bachelorette party?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2022

Has she been to yours and is her wedding going to cost you much? I think it’s a major faux pas to be in her wedding party and not attending her hen party! How much will the hen party cost you? Unfortunately most seem to be a few £100 now… I think if you’re her bridesmaid you should really really try and go. Go for half of it? Were you not involved in planning it too? 

Post # 32
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

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sorba :  plane tickets across the US alone easily cost $400 (£300) and often more depending on time of year/how far in advance they are booked. hotel stays can average about $100 (£80) a night for nice places, and often more. then you factor in food and drinks.. easily a weekend getaway could cost about $1000 (£800) and more if they all pitch in to cover the bride’s costs. so it’s not as cheap as you’re thinking, unfortunately. 

ETA: it’s also not ok of you to just assume or imply that anyone should be comfortable or able to spend even “just” a few hundred pounds on a short getaway. don’t judge others so harshly. 

Post # 33
Member
3323 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Do NOT show her your bank statements. You told her no, stick to it.

Post # 34
Member
1268 posts
Bumble bee

Your answer should have been enough for her. She only has herself to blame now if she is upset or surprised by your not attending.

Post # 35
Member
413 posts
Helper bee

A lot of my friends have done destination bachelorette parties, and frankly I cant remember a single time where all of the bridesmaids were able to make it. If someone is going to want a destination bachelorette which requires a ticket, thats fine, but they need to understand the expectation that not everyone in the bridal party will be able to make it.  Sometimes its not about money too, I know people that couldnt attend destination bachelorettes because they didnt have enough PTO. Its life, she will get over it.

Post # 36
Member
14158 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I can afford it but don’t care for expensive, over the top, destination pre- wedding events and most likely wouldn’t attend. I certainly would not feel obligated to justify my decision. 

Post # 37
Member
3667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

View original reply
eagleandimgone :  When you say “I try to tell her [but she does x y z] you really mean you tried to convince her you dont need to be there. Or, you tried to convince her to give you permission to not attend. You werent successful. 

Listen to the advice above and TELL HER you will not come, do not “TRY” to tell her. You get to run your own life and you get to decide how you will spend your money and time.

Grown up women make decisions, communicate them, and stand firm when others such as your friend dont honor the boundaries they set. You wont go to the Vegas event, she want you there and may badger you about it because she doesnt honor boundaries.

It is ok that both of you have different ideas, but you wont compromise on this, just like she will likely not compromise on her wish that you be there. It is too bad if it leads to awkwardness between both of you, but that is not your problem,. And do NOT show her your bank account, you are a grown up woman who, when saying  “no, ” means “no.” 

 

 

Post # 38
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

This situation literally just came up today for me. My Maid/Matron of Honor called to tell me that what she had originally planned wasn’t feasible for three of the girls, one for financial reasons and two for family reasons (can’t stay overnight). So – we’re coming up with a scaled back version because THE MOST important thing to me is that my closest girlfriends be there. I’m also covering the costs for one of my friends who is in a bad spot financially. It’s more important for me that she’s there. 

Honestly, I think your friend is being really selfish to demand you be there when it’s such an extravagant trip.

Post # 39
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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sorba :  Going to a bachelorette isn’t a requirement for being a bridesmaid. Hell, having a bachelorette isn’t a requirement for getting married. It’s terrible advice to tell somebody to go on a weekend long getaway they can’t afford. Flying off for only part of it probably isn’t feasible either. I just don’t know what planet some people live on that they place this much importance on a party that doesn’t even need to happen.  

Post # 40
Member
3749 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
oceangirl40 <– what she said.

I’m always stunned when people think it’s perfectly OK to tell others how to spend their money. THAT is the faux pas, to put it mildly.

Post # 41
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

I was in the same predicament with a lifelong friend. I’m getting married a few months before her and just don’t have the resources to go to Vegas. I explained to her that I have a lot of expenses this year (as do you, with 3 different weddings) between my own wedding, my mortgage, and my dogs (one of which has a medical condition and I spend a lot of money on treatments, medication etc.) and that at the current moment I just couldn’t afford to fork up $1000 just for flight and hotel. I said I would re-evaluate closer to the weekend of her bach, and if I had some extra cash saved, I could book a last minute flight and she could add me to her room. She was totally understanding. 

I am also going to suggest that once she is back, I take her out in the city that we live in for a night out to celebrate her bachelorette.

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