(Closed) How to tell a bridesmaid I replaced her.

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
3996 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

I agree with PP, you cant save her from her own feelings. You can make it as easy on her as possible by making it all about the dress, but thats the best you can do. She’s already hurt, and the only way you can prevent more of that is by not having the new bridesmaid at all, which isnt fair to you. You have to find a balance between what you want and hurting your friend (not saying you caused her hurt feelings, though) I would say something like ” I wasn’t able to return the dress as I hoped, but I know someone who it will fit, so I’ve asked her to stand up with me. I know we agreed that it was the right thing for our relationship if you weren’t in the wedding party, but I know that you’re still hurt about it so I wanted to let you know beforehand so you weren’t caught off-guard. I’m really looking forward to celecbrating with you!” Try to focus on all the reasons why her stepping down was the right move for you both, and not on your relationship with the new bridesmaid. Thats a sticky spot, but if she pitches a fit and causes major drama about it, is that really someone you want to foster a relationship with?

Post # 17
Member
3874 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
supermel:  Just be very short and to the point. “I tried to return the dress, the shop wouldn’t let me. I asked a friend if she would wear it, she agreed.” If she’s going to freak out during your wedding ceremony, you can also ask her to stay home.

Post # 18
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I wouldn’t worry so much about this short-fused, insecure girl. She sounds irrational; don’t dignify her irrationality with all this fuss.  You bought the dress back so now it’s actually none of her business.

Post # 19
Member
7644 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

A few things. One, you reimbursed her. The dress is yours to do whatever you want with. Two, she understands she isn’t in the wedding anymore. Three, you cannot change how someone feels. She is allowed to feel sad or pissed off about it. You can only control your reaction to her feelings, so be straight forward with her. I wouldn’t say anything but since you want to just tell her that you were unabel to return the dress but you found someone to wear it and thank her for understanding. Done.

Post # 20
Member
3829 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wouldnt say anything to her.  She isn;t in the wedding anymore and she didnt even like the dress. None of her business if someone else wears it.

Post # 21
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

View original reply
supermel:  She will take the other girl’s appointment as a bridesmaid as the equivalent of me saying “I don’t actually care about you, because look how easily I replaced you.”

Isn’t that exactly what you’re saying? You are within your rights to “fire” your bridesmaid, but you’ve got to understand that it’s a friendship-ending move.

Post # 22
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

Is your main motivation for adding this other woman to your BMs because you don’t want to waste the money spent on the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress?  If so, I think you’re crazy and there’s no way this won’t upset your friend.

If your main motivation for adding this other woman is that you want her as your Bridesmaid or Best Man because you’re close friends (and hey, you happen to have an extra Bridesmaid or Best Man dress), then that makes sense to me.  In that case, it’s not about the dress at all.  It’s about picking the bridal party you’re happy with.  How would she even know it’s the exact same dress that was previously “hers”?  Aren’t all the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses the same?  It could just as easily be another copy of the same dress.  I would just let her know that there’s no hard feelings betwteen you two and that you have found another Bridesmaid or Best Man to take her spot.  End of story.  The dress shouldn’t factor in at all.

Post # 23
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

View original reply
merpitymerp:  +1 Exactly.  Removing someone from your wedding party will destroy the friendship.  Mutual or not, it sounds like this scenario is no different.  I don’t see them staying friends in the long run.

Post # 24
Member
2690 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Err.. you bought the dress so ….

Post # 26
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I don’t think an explanation is really necessary.  She may be a bit miffed that she was replaced, but I think that should always be the expectation if someone is asked to step down.  The only reason she deserves an explanation is if you asked her to step down by saying that you couldn’t have X number of bridesmaids.  The replacement would truly look fishy then… and she would assume that you were lying to her about the reason.

If what you described is how it went down, the dress is no longer hers, she is no longer a bridesmaid, and has no illusions about the reasons for no longer being one.

Having further conversation about the dress/bridal party/etc will probably just stir up unnecessary negativity, drama, and unhappiness.  It’s really none of her business at this point.

Post # 28
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

It sounds like you think your former bridesmaid needs to feel special in order to not freak out… so is there another wedding role she could take on that would fit for her? Some ideas: a reading during the ceremony, giving a toast, introducing the bride and groom, having her name in the program? Or maybe including her in a one-on-one pre-wedding spa day to smooth issues?

Post # 29
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

View original reply
Bexx:  +1

I wouldn’t even bother letting her know, how would she have any idea it was the same dress (and why would she care)? 

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