Post # 1
I’ve asked my fiance’, my M.O.H and my mother and none of them can decide what the proper etiquette is on this situation, could you bees help me out please?
First of all, I have not sent out my invites yet so no one really knows who is invited other then my wedding party.
We’ll be inviting my fiance’s sister who is married with 4 kids. We want to officially invite her, her husband, and 3 of her children since we are close friends with her and her kids (They are all teenagers) we’re more then happy to send them an invite that might say Blah family.
However we do not want to invite her 4th daughter who is very, very special needs. I say this with the most sensitivity I hope every bee understands this. Their daughter needs a lot of care. Currently my FI’s sister and her family is living with their dad since they recently moved from another state and they’ve put their special needs daughter in the same house. So far she has ripped the toilet seat off the toilet, punched a hole in her bedroom wall and has serious anger management issues (She’ll have a fit over nothing) plus she is a deaf-mute and does not understand most of what is going on around her. She is a lot to handle, when she was living in her home state her family had her in a special needs home and my Fiance has never been that close with this girl so we don’t want to invite her.
We’re on a very strict budget and can only invite immediate family and a handful of close friends and honestly we don’t want to deal with any problems this girl may have during the ceremony/reception. She’ll also start screaming and flailing around without notice/provocation.
Sooooo……How should we go about this situation? Do we give one invite to my FI’s sister and her husband with their names on it and one inivation to their 3 kids we want to invite? Should we sit down and talk to her about it? What would you do in this situation?
Post # 3
I would just be honest, and explain its due to her outbursts. I’m sure the parents will understand since you can not have a out of control child at a wedding.
Post # 4
I would just invite the parents.
If you insist on inviting 3/4 kids I would sit down and talk with her. If she is a very close friend she might understand and come. But I wouldn’t be surprised if none of them come.
Post # 5
Is not inviting any kids a viable option? I think that has the potential to cause less drama than singleing out this one child for exclusion.
Post # 6
I agree with the pp.Just invite the parents.
Post # 7
Could you just invite the parents? It would probably be less awkward to invite none of the kids than it would be to invite all but one.
Post # 8
@VAwife: Well we are really good friends with her three kids, we hangout with each other quite a bit. So I think the family would be more offended if we didn’t invite any of their kids….
Post # 9
Do you think they would bring her?
If you didnt invite her, do you they have someone to take care of her?
If you dont invite her, you have to speak with them… its one of their children and I would bet despite her problems they love her.
I think the best way to address this is to talk to them before the invites going out and say you would have no problem with her being there if someone could guarantee her being quiet (her behavior), (which they cannot likely) and if not you would ask them nicely if she could stay home.
Post # 10
@JoJoDahling: This is a really really touchy subject and I work with special needs kids so I’m very sensitive to it. I’m going to try to be understanding. I would highly recommend you avoid iviting her siblings and not inviting her. If it were my family, I would be very hurt. And you love these people. So you shouldn’t want to hurt them.
What you can do is sit down and talk to them about their family and your wedding. Say that you would love to have their family attend but you’re wondering if they think their special needs duaghter would be able to come/enjoy coming. If she is truly as much of a handful as you say they will likely say that they would prefer to find arrangements with a caregiver during the wedding. However, they may think that she would enjoy it and not disturb the day or possibly a limited part of the day. But this should be THEIR descision. They know their daughter (and her limitations) better than anyone, including you. So trust them. Invite her and make her coming their decision.
Go the route of not inviting any kids if you have to, but please don’t exclude a child who is already dealing with many struggles that you can’t imagine. It could damage the relationship with this family forever.
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
I would just invite the adults. Fiance should be able to talk candidly to his sister about the kids’ attendance. Singling one child out, even though her condition is known, is not polite. if I were the mother, knowing my child’s outbursts and behaviors, I would probably arrange for childcare for the wedding (of course, the appropriate level for the daughter) if all the kids were invited.
Post # 12
Surely they would not bring her.
If it were my child, I would not bring her due to the potential financial liability alone. Many weddings are in very old churches, museums, etc. It’s not uncommon for wedding venues to have/be near things that are literally priceless. I think any sensible person would not take the chance.
Post # 13
You definitely need to talk to her first before any of the invites go out. They may not want to come at all if you are not willing to invite the whole family and would most likely need to (and want to) stay at home and look after their daughter if they can’t take her with them to the wedding. She is obviously the priority. First ask if they would WANT to or be willing to come to your wedding without daughter 4. Explain you really want them to come but understand if they need to stay at home to look after their child.
edit: if they ask why you don’t want her there, which they probably will, best just say something like you don’t think a wedding would be an appropriate place for her due to her outbursts. Hopefully, they are close enough to you to understand.
Post # 14
Your fiance needs to talk to his sister first.
I am a mother but I do not have a special needs child, but my mother feelings tell me I would be **extremely** upset hurt to have my family “split up” like this. Also this girl is now going to be part of your extended family, like it or not. I assume she is invited to birthday and Christmas celebrations? So (from the parents’ point of view) why is this different? I don’t see how you can invite her and not the other children without causing hurt.
But rather than second guessing how the parents feel, your first step must be talking to the parents, and I think the best way to handle that is brother to sister.
Post # 15
@ThreeMeers: I do think they would bring her and yes they do have someone to look after her – another family friend. Thank you for your help!
@JenGirl: I am glad you posted then, I really appreciate your input on this subject and I understand how delicate this is and wanted to follow the correct etiquette and not offend this family, they are good friends of ours and I would be heart broken if I offend them.
@prisigtr: Yeah, as the responces come in I am realizing that we need to sit down and have a polite talk with this family and have them decide the best course of action, thank you~
@EffieTrinket: The venues we are looking at want us to pay security deposits that we NEED to get back after the wedding so yeah….if she broke anything I would probably cry.
Post # 16
@paula1248: Thank you for your insight, I like that a mother is giving me her honest opinion and views on this subject. Since I am not a mother I cannot see into this situation like you and other mothers can, so having this guidance will help us as a couple and strengthen the bonds of our family and my soon to be extended family. Again, thank you.