(Closed) How to tell a family member their special needs daughter is not invited…

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How would you handle this?
    Sit down and talk with her. : (80 votes)
    53 %
    Send one invite to her&husband, then a second invite to her other kids. : (2 votes)
    1 %
    Other. (Explain!) : (70 votes)
    46 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1832 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I would just be honest, and explain its due to her outbursts. I’m sure the parents will understand since you can not have a out of control child at a wedding.

    Post # 4
    Member
    4352 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I would just invite the parents.

    If you insist on inviting 3/4 kids I would sit down and talk with her. If she is a very close friend she might understand and come. But I wouldn’t be surprised if none of them come.

    Post # 5
    Member
    963 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Is not inviting any kids a viable option? I think that has the potential to cause less drama than singleing out this one child for exclusion.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1158 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I agree with the pp.Just invite the parents.

    Post # 7
    Member
    3668 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    Could you just invite the parents? It would probably be less awkward to invite none of the kids than it would be to invite all but one.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2622 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Do you think they would bring her?

    If you didnt invite her, do you they have someone to take care of her?

    If you dont invite her, you have to speak with them… its one of their children and I would bet despite her problems they love her.

    I think the best way to address this is to talk to them before the invites going out and say you would have no problem with her being there if someone could guarantee her being quiet (her behavior), (which they cannot likely) and if not you would ask them nicely if she could stay home.

    Post # 10
    Member
    9550 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @JoJoDahling:  This is a really really touchy subject and I work with special needs kids so I’m very sensitive to it. I’m going to try to be understanding. I would highly recommend you avoid iviting her siblings and not inviting her. If it were my family, I would be very hurt. And you love these people. So you shouldn’t want to hurt them.

    What you can do is sit down and talk to them about their family and your wedding. Say that you would love to have their family attend but you’re wondering if they think their special needs duaghter would be able to come/enjoy coming. If she is truly as much of a handful as you say they will likely say that they would prefer to find arrangements with a caregiver during the wedding. However, they may think that she would enjoy it and not disturb the day or possibly a limited part of the day. But this should be THEIR descision. They know their daughter (and her limitations) better than anyone, including you. So trust them. Invite her and make her coming their decision.

    Go the route of not inviting any kids if you have to, but please don’t exclude a child who is already dealing with many struggles that you can’t imagine. It could damage the relationship with this family forever. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    1710 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

    I would just invite the adults. Fiance should be able to talk candidly to his sister about the kids’ attendance. Singling one child out, even though her condition is known, is not polite. if I were the mother, knowing my child’s outbursts and behaviors, I would probably arrange for childcare for the wedding (of course, the appropriate level for the daughter) if all the kids were invited.

    Post # 12
    Member
    6256 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Surely they would not bring her.

    If it were my child, I would not bring her due to the potential financial liability alone. Many weddings are in very old churches, museums, etc. It’s not uncommon for wedding venues to have/be near things that are literally priceless. I think any sensible person would not take the chance.

    Post # 13
    Member
    942 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    You definitely need to talk to her first before any of the invites go out. They may not want to come at all if you are not willing to invite the whole family and would most likely need to (and want to) stay at home and look after their daughter if they can’t take her with them to the wedding. She is obviously the priority. First ask if they would WANT to or be willing to come to your wedding without daughter 4. Explain you really want them to come but understand if they need to stay at home to look after their child.

    edit: if they ask why you don’t want her there, which they probably will, best just say something like you don’t think a wedding would be an appropriate place for her due to her outbursts. Hopefully, they are close enough to you to understand.

    Post # 14
    Member
    7736 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Your fiance needs to talk to his sister first.

    I am a mother but I do not have a special needs child, but my mother feelings tell me I would be **extremely** upset hurt to have my family “split up” like this. Also this girl is now going to be part of your extended family, like it or not. I assume she is invited to birthday and Christmas celebrations? So (from the parents’ point of view) why is this different? I don’t see how you can invite her and not the other children without causing hurt.

    But rather than second guessing how the parents feel, your first step must be talking to the parents, and I think the best way to handle that is brother to sister.

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